From "Coping with Infidelity: Part 3":<BR> "In short, it's hard enough to restore a marital relationship when a lover is finally out of the picture. But it's almost impossible when the lover is still hanging around."<BR>I have tried to do this with my wife (without my knowledge) still in contact with her lover. So I must now consider it impossible to restore the marriage with the lover still hanging around - he has to go.<P>From "How to Overcome Love Busters":<BR> "Spouses who use demands and control to try to get their way not only fail, but also create defenses that make further negotiations almost impossible. They also cause spouses to fall out of love with each other."<P>So I must demand that her lover goes, yet in making a demand I am hurting the relationship??? What the heck?!? I'm feeling boxed in by my cheating wife, now I come to this great website - that seems to offer so much assistance - only to find that I must make a demand but if I do, I'm sunk.<P>Any responses, please?<BR>

Philip,<P>I am sorry to hear your problem. Have you and your wife sat down and talked about this and how you feel? If not, you should tell her just how you feel before any demands are made. Talking it out is the best thing.

I have made it clear to my wife, both in private and in front of our counsellor, that I can't accept her lover being around. The counsellor - not normally tending to give statements - agrees that he has to go. In fact, he is now passing us over to another counsellor because he is fed up trying to repair a marriage where she isn't properly comitted by his standards.<P>I'm also insisting that if she and I are to get together (we are currently living apart, at my instigation) then she must terminate all contact with a group of other women that are involved with him, all thinking that he's a great, supportive, wonderful, loving guy! (Yes, my wife is well aware of at least four of these other women.)<P>My wife says that I'm just trying to control her by stopping her talking to her friends. I insist that I am trying to put a relationship together that will last: I've given it a go in the past with these others around and it just hasn't worked. <P>It may sound like my wife just isn't interested (enough) but the counsellor believes that we have a chance and that my wife is genuine when she says she wants us to be together again. <BR>So I come back to my previous issue: how can I insist that her lover must be history, yet not make demands that make up one of the major Love Busters??