How long should I let H struggle with the decision of whether to recommit to our marriage? I understand that this must be really hard for him, but I need his to decided to work things out between us. I can I prove to him that if we both have a plan and be proactive in making our marriage work, that it can be wonderful? How can I make him see that he can trust me and put his faith in my ability to do things differently in my life? How long do I let this go on? When do I know (a sign) that is is over and there is no hope? Please help!<P>------------------<BR>Rachel :)<BR>

Only you know the answer to your question. I have read posts here where a H or W have waited a year or more for the other spouse to come around. In one case, the H said he stayed married to his W for years even though she continues the affair. I can't imagine! My H gave me three weeks to decide. When I couldn't, he moved out just like that. When he cheated (12 yrs. ago) I never had a set time limit to wait for his decision. I just waited, and it took about three months. Everyone is different, and can handle a different amount of pain and stress. You do what you think is best. Are you in counseling of any kind? Have you talked to a pastor or minister about what you're going through? Do you read the self-help books? All of those things would be helpful, as is reading here at MB. Best wishes to you!

Hi RAchel, as new beginings says in her post, there really isn't a set limit of time. It has to come from you. WHen you feel that you no longer can cope with it, that you're losing the love you have for your h, then it's time to think about another alternative.<BR>I gave myself 6 months reserving the right ( ) to change that amount of time for shorter, if I found I was having trouble coping with it, or longer if I could se any real positive signs. The affair went for about 4 months,by them he had decided to stay. But things didn't get better right away. AS I said it only started to be really good on the 7th month. The time between the 4th and the 7th month was full of ups and downs, doubts - both of us had them -, pagings from her, and stuff like that. But there was always something positive to keep us going.<BR>I'm not sure there really is a special sign that will tells us that there's no more hope. Or one that tells us there is.I suppose it also depends on hoe stubborn we are . I'm very stubborn. As long as I believed that there was still a chance for us, I don't think I would give up. Mayve just do things differently.<BR>However I did prepare for the worst case scenario. I got back in touch with friends. DId things for myself - was a bit selfish too, so what? setting the example. - nade sure if things never got back, that I would have no problem stamding on my own with my kids. Went back to swwimming, got a new haircut - a made sure that I never skipped the haidresser just because I was worried about him not having enough spare cash for himself - though look! Better spent on me than on her - he was thinking that I wouldn't be able to stand on my own, boy did he get the surprise of his life!<BR>But troughout all this, I kept working towards my goal - get my marriage back on track.<BR>What would have happened if after the six months there was no change and no positive signs? I'm not sure I know.I suppose it would have to be decided regarding on what kind of feelings I was having for him at that time.After a while people do have a tendency to start thinking that maybe it's better to go on with their lifes., being discouraged for so long.<BR>SO I think the answer is : it al depends on how you are doing,how the situation is affecting you and are you losing your love for your h due to his indecision? If you are, maye you should think about another alternative. If you're not, then maybe you can try and hold on a bit longer.<BR>Also, in most cases I know, it seems to get way worse just before it gets better.I don't know why, but it did happen in some cases. <BR>Take care<BR>And don't expect him to understand now what makes so much sense to you, or to any of us outside . It will take a while until his brain regains normal function. <BR>Kat

Cam,<P>If husband does want to come back, but slips up sometimes - and gets disgusted with himself and keeps wanting to try - what will you do? How MUCH do you want this to work? It probably won't be handed to you on a silver platter, in fact most of the "work" and "wanting" and "discipline" is really your responsibility - even if it isn't fair.<P>Life isn't fair, but we take what is in it and CREATE what WE WANT with it. Do you want this marriage to work? How bad? What are YOU willing to do to make it work? <P>I just wonder if you are ready to try to work on it yet. I am sensing there is some ambiguity on your part? I hope I'm mistaken..<P>You CAN do this, it is NOT EASY. Do YOU want to?<BR>

Yes, I want to work on our marriage very badly. But he is waffling so much that I need him to be sure also. I know we can make it work, I am confident in that, but I can't give it 100% if he is only giving 25% because part of him still wants OW.<P>------------------<BR>Rachel :)<BR>

Hi Rachel -<BR> W's affair was revealed to me on April 10 of this year and as of last night, she still doesn't know what she wants. So that puts us in the same timeframe...Are you separated?<P>I have been asking myself the same questions as you. The answers cannot be given by someone else, only you know how much you can put up with. There is nothing wrong if your tolerance level only allowed for a very short decision period. I have seen with others on this board that they are willing to wait for over a year or two. Maybe it's unfortunate, but I am reaching the end of my rope. I'm being used and I know it, but she won't make the decision on her own. <P>It could be that your H really can't make up his mind, but it could also be that he knows what he wants to do, but is too much the coward to confront you. The latter is where I think W is.<P>Anyway, you should only wait for as long as you can take it. Life is too short to damage your health and well-being waiting for someone who refuses to take your feelings into account.

Yes, we have been separated since June 6th. The conversations we have had lately have been so wonderful. We are being respectful and honest and open and vulnerable to eachother and yet he still has enough feelings for OW to make the decision hard. He says he doesn't want to move back with me, have everything be the same and then have lost OW also. That feels selfish to me and that he is sort of using OW as a "back up". This is so frustrating. Any suggestions?<P>------------------<BR>Rachel :)<BR>