This is my first post here and I really could use some advice. I will try to make this as short as possible. My H and I have been married for 5 1/2 years and together for 8 years and have 3 beautiful children. We are 33 and 32 and the kids are 11, 6 & 2. We have two children together and I have one from a previous marriage who he has always treated like his own. For the past 3 months now we have really been doing a lot of fighting. I would say we have been building up to these big problems for about 1 year now and it was when I realized that my husband was slipping away from me physically and emotionally. That is when I started asking him to include me more in things he was doing. You see, we haven’t gone out and done anything alone for about a year. It is very hard with 3 children and limited finances. Well when I expressed to him that I wanted to be included more and that I have realized the mistakes I have made over the years and want to be there for him more, that is when everything really triggered for the bad. It has brought up pent up emotions from him for the past 20 years of his life. Things he never discussed with me in our marriage that has bothered him. He is angry with me for now all of a sudden wanting to be there for him and why couldn’t I have been there for him earlier. Things like my lack of sex drive for a period of time after our second child and me being so negative all the time and always pointing out what he is doing wrong and not the good things he has done. He is also now feeling regrets for things he did as a teenager into young adulthood and is also bringing up things from his childhood that are really affecting him. I guess his parents used to fight in front of him all the time and only stayed married because of him. Now he is feeling that we are doing this to our kids and doesn’t want them to go through what he went through as a child.<P>With that little bit of background, we are now going through some really serious problems, financially, emotionally and physically. He says he is still “in love” with me and still very attracted to me but he is very mad at me for the past 8 years and he does not know if and when he will ever be able to forgive me. He says he wants to stay and work things out and give 100% but he wants to take it one day at a time, which is really frustrating for me, because that means I basically have to sit back and wait for him to come around and I don't see his efforts. You see, he gets really mad and frustrated when I bring up our problems because I want to talk about them and he wants to just work them out in his head. Unfortunately, I am a person that needs answers and he can’t give them to me right now. He says part of him wants to stay and part of him wants to go. He is definitely a different person than the one I fell in love with and married. He was always the prankster and the center of everybody’s attention and now he never really talks or jokes around anymore. This was a man who used to tell me he loved me everytime he called me or just left to run a quick errand and now I am just thankful for the twice a week "I love you" and occasional peck on the cheek.<P>In one breath he will tell me he thinks it could be good again and in the next breath, he will tell me he wants to leave. Several times, I have asked him why hasn't he left yet and he says because he wants to work it out but just one day at a time and right now he feels that know matter what he does, it will never be enough for me. He gets mad when I point out the little things he does for the positive as progress and says I should just accept them for what they are and not bring them up to him because he knows what he is doing. Last night, we had another one of my weekly talks and it was the same thing where he told me the good and bad of leaving and he feels the kids would be better off if he left. I completely disagree. So I asked him if he wanted a divorce and he said no. HELP! These confusing signals are killing me emotionally. I try to be strong and happy every day because he gets mad when I look depressed. Any piece of advice would be great. By the way, I am in counseling and he is completely against it. Thanks for listening.<BR>

Dear Sball,<BR>Read, read, read...everything on this site...Look at the Emotional Needs, and Love Busters section...study them thouroughly..there are also questionnaires, but I would wait for a bit before bringing them up to him. Read about the Plan A in the Affairs section, and apply it to your marriage...I'm not sugesting that he's had an affair, but Plan A is a good way to win back a mate.<BR>You said that things aren't great right now financially, so that could really have him down...give him a little space.<BR>The words "we have to talk" sound horrible to men, so cut him a little slack in the weekly talks. <BR>Woman and men communicate differently...check out John Gray's Venus and Mars Books at the Library.<BR>Hang in there.<BR>T

I would like to offer myself as a friend to you as I have been in your boots and agree that you should read the site as it has a lot of answers in for you especially the conversation aspect and conversation negative items in other words things you should not be saying or doing<P>I am Carol a counsellor and on<BR>kidnpuppetshow@yahoo.com<P>Write to me<BR>I have a team of people who will try to counsel<BR>and help you and support your relationship<P>