I have a problem with my H who brings up things said or done 8-10 years ago when we argue. Many of these things had to do with stuff i said out of anger or immaturity. I have apologized numerous times and have tried to sit and listen to him go on about what had happened hoping that it would finally just feel better for him to get it all out what he felt. But he still brings them up in any current arguement we may have. I also probably escalate the fights by getting exasperated and saying do we have to go over this again. I've told him I'm not the same person i was when i said those things. He's even gotten mad and brought up things that were done even before we were married. I need some advice to how to resolve it. Like i said before, i've listened to him a couple of times and he has even promised me before not to bring it up again that he felt better. But, it still happens. I told him it is not productive to go over these things over and over again. We need to move on. Any suggestions. Thanks

You and your husband have to learn how to "walk away" from these sort of fights... It's a very very hard thing to do, but when you learn how to do it, you will be happy and thankful. <P>Generally it's not beneficial to bring up the past, unless the item @ issue is something that is the same as something you have done in the past, and something you should have learned from... i.e you had an affair in the past, and you keep having affairs!!! I'd say then it might be relevant! <P>BUT, if your fights start out about something specific, and then morph out into all directions to include things that are not at issue and even things that happened before and were previously resolved, they stop being productive, and nothing gets accomplished. Just alot of hurt feelings, and hoarse voices. It's called "kitchen sinking" (throwing in everything but the kitchen sink) <P>Try to keep him on track... Turn the conversation back to the issue at hand. If he wont go there with you, then refuse to go down his path. Walk away. Let him cool down, and revisit the issue at hand later, if necessary. Many times after you walk away, you decide that the issue was really not that important anyway, and you just forget about it. <P>A couple of questions: Have you and he resolved the issues he keeps bringing up? <BR>Are they major offenses that would somehow warrant this kind of dead horse beating? <BR>If the issues are resolved, how did you resolve them? Are you certain he is comfortable with the resolution?<P>Good Luck. I've gone through something pretty similar with my now fiance, and it took me leaving and a good counselor to help us see the rewards of walking away... We used to have such screaming matches about literally anything and everything... and we'd always somehow include everything that had ever gone awry in our relationship...blame flew around everywhere. But now we pick our battles. Let some things go. Let me know how it goes...<P>-Barta<BR>

Tell your H that it is years and years old dirty bones and they need to be buried and he must forgive you so that your relationship can grow healthily<P>It cannot grow with a bad disease like the past being brought up again and again<P>Get yourselves a qualified minister who can refer you to counselling or a counsellor who is properly qualified to handle the problem and help you and your husband deal with these age old issues<P>Read <A HREF="http://www.prayertoweronline.org" TARGET=_blank>www.prayertoweronline.org</A> <BR>and <A HREF="http://www.allexperts.com" TARGET=_blank>www.allexperts.com</A> <BR>They will give you perfect advice on the spot or 24 hours<BR>Carol<BR>

Hi all, this is the first time I have posted a reply, but I have been reading them for awhile. The problem about bringing up the past really hit home. My husband and I both were really bad about it, though he was worse than me. He just couldn't let go of any of the mistakes I may have made. Most of them were due to insecurities and imaturaties. (I'm horrible at spelling, please bear with me) At any rate, for years this went on and just recently we made an agreement that there would be no more past issues brought up. We were starting from this day forward and working on our relationship as it is now and what it can be in the future. <P> I do still wander if he associates the past with things that happen now, but just won't talk about them. I do have to work on trusting that he is doing as he promised. We all have done things in our past that we may not be proud of, but we can't change the past. We are all humans and we make mistakes the only thing we can do is go forward and try to learn from them.<P>I hope it all works out for you, because I have been in your situation and it really makes you feel horrible. Good Luck!

Skate123. Dr. Wayne Dyer has a chapter in his book "Your Erroneous Zones," and he says: By absorbing your present moments feeling guilty about something that has already taken place, you don't have to use that now moment in any kind of effective, self-enhancing way. Very simply, like so many self-defeating behaviors guilt is an avoidance technique for working on yourself in the present. Begin to view the past as something that can never be changed. It's over! Any guilt you choose will not make the past different. "My feeling guilty will not change the past,nor will it make me a better person." Dr. Dyer says to use behavior when your husband brings up the past, tell him if he keeps talking about the past you will leave the room. And do it. Be a broken record, tell him you refuse to talk about it. End of discussion.