My husband feels as though I've not been honest with him in our 2.5 year marriage about his physical appearance. When we met, I was in SUPERB shape and he was very very overweight. My decision to marry him was based on my head and my heart, not an overwhelming passion at his sexual prowess or appearance. I'd dated oodles of men for that reason and it hadnt been enough to make it last so in this case I married a man that I loved, that seemed like a good provider, intelligent, caring, and who was "well equiped", but was not the drop-dead best lover I'd ever had. Knowing that physical appearance can be fleeting, I looked at it like the physical connection can be worked on...it can get better with practice.(We met and married inside of 2 months by the way so there was not alot of experimentation in the sex department.) My husband though, wants to know what my ideal is...what weight and height will unlock the key to all the passion that he feels he's gone without as he compares me to the 1000 or so women he's been with in his life who seemed to just fall all over him and couldnt get enough. How do I tell him that there is NO ideal he can get to in appearance because I just didnt marry him for that. The only parallel he has with men I used to date is that he's tall...that's it. I've told him time and again that I dont care how he looks...that its not the answer. The answer is to grow to know what turns each other on...where to touch...how to do it...find what we like and define it within a sinLESS covenant marriage relationship instead of comparing it to the sinFUL relationships we had before we were Christian. That way, even when its twenty years down the line and its just a quicky at 6am, it can be fulfilling because we know exactly what to do to get the other one off. Right now, my husband has no clue what I like in bed (or he refuses to do it) and I know just three things that he likes..and I know there's got to be more to him than this. I fear that sharing this information about "not picking him for the passion" will be hard on his ego. What do I do??

I recommend frequent use of the phrase "I love it when you..."<P>Fill in the blanks. Don't be afraid to repeat yourself.<P>Regards,<BR>rs0522

Dear blessed192,<P> Was he really with 1000 women? If so he should be great!;-) Anyway, I know how hard this can be. My H. is somewhat lacking in skill. And is a terrible kisser. However, I think it is good to keep lines of communication open. And I've learned that right after sex, or during, it is not a good idea to talk about what you may like. It has kinda worked for me when I mention something during the very initial stages. But, my H. has yet to tell me what really pleases him, other than the given that every man loves.<P> As for his physical appearance... Do you think he may want your support in making life-style changes? If he has a fit, beautiful woman on his arm, he may want to make sure he doesn't have a heart attack before he has a chance to enjoy you. Next time he mentions it, you could say something like, "Honey, are you asking me if you need to get in shape? Or are you asking about my physical attraction to you?" And if it's the latter, you could maybe explain that for us women, it's all in the head. How else do you explain the smart, beautiful, young women who marry smart, sensitive men who are older, ugly, bald, fat or all of the above? It isn't for their money, because lots of times there isn't any. It's for the other things. <P>Oh, one other thing. Your husband may actually like to think of sex (even with his wife) as being naughty, sinful or somewhat dirty. The forbidden factor may be enticing. So, you may try not mentioning that this is a God-sanctioned activity, even though you like thinking of it that way.

You say you know three things your H likes? OK; I can understand two things - sex and food, in that order unless I'm hungry, then it's food and sex, unless of course, I'm horny. Then... Anyway I give up...what's the third??