I know I've posted before in a different section but, I need more advice/feedback to make a decision, thanks in advance for any info!!!!<P>I am 41 with 2 children. My first husband died of drug abuse 6 yrs. <BR>ago. I have remarried to a 60 year old who has been married 4x before.<BR> We've now been married 1-1/2 years and it's becoming obvious why he'd<BR> been married so many times before. When we first met/married, he was<BR> very attentive and paid for everything, I tried to pay my share, but<BR> he insisted that that's what a husband is for. Then he suddenly turned<BR> it against me. He now says I need to pay the utilities while he pays<BR> the mortgage, which is ok with me, but he keeps throwing up in my <BR>face how he paid everything the first year and how he paid off my car<BR>(he did it out of our income tax refund saying that because I was <BR>losing my earned income credit by marrying at the end of the year that<BR> he thought he should use our refund to pay off my car), and how he <BR>fixed up a room for my son (it was unlivable from the people who owned<BR> the house before he bought it) and how we should be grateful to him.<BR> He's using it to controll us, won't let the kids have any friends over<BR> because he thinks if we have freinds over they will steal from him <BR>while he's not home, etc. He's still very attentive and such, but it <BR>always has a price to it, if I want to change something around the <BR>house or yard, he says I have no right as it was his house before we <BR>married, etc. He plays head games with my children, setting them up so<BR> that no matter what they do, it's wrong or offensive to him, or he <BR>accuses them of doing something damaging to his property. He buys them<BR> anything they want against my wishes and pays them for household <BR>chores when I think they should do them as a member of the family and<BR> not for pay, then says they are golddiggers and inconsiderate of his<BR> authority and says they should be grateful for him paying for thier <BR>things and paying for thier chores. I don't know how to deal with this.<BR> I had a good job and a nice rental house before I met him, I just <BR>wanted a love in my life. He told me all of his wives left because they<BR> were too protective of thier own children and wouldn't let him<BR>discipline them in his own way. For example, my son had a glass of <BR>kool aid which he set down on a popcorn can that we often used as a<BR> "table" of sorts. My husband told him he shouldn't put it there <BR>because it was unstable. I agreed by saying, "(name), move the glass<BR> to the windowsill." My husband was mad because I didn't "disciplin"<BR> him more, what did he expect? In another instance, my son was eating<BR> in the frontroom (my husband refused to eat at the table, he says he<BR> is retired and has a right to eat wherever he wants to, but the kids<BR> should eat at the table, he says I treat everyone in the family <BR>equally and that's not right because kids are not equal to adults in a<BR> household, anyway, my son was eating on a tv tray and put his hand on<BR> the couch, my husband got mad at him for touching the couch with dirty<BR> hands, I said "(name), go get a napkin and use it", my husband later<BR> told me off for not doing something about what the boy had "done" to<BR> his couch, he said now that the damage is done, it can't be fixed..<BR>what did he want, blood from the kid? I cleaned the couch with<BR>carpet cleaner and it's fine now. With my daughter, he started letting<BR>her mow the lawn for $40. a time (way too much, but he insisted), this<BR>went on for a few weeks, then, when she came home and said she had <BR>gotten into an argument with his neice at school and she didn't like the<BR>way this girl was treating her friends, he got mad and said my daughter<BR>was being snooty, and how his relatives were poor and should be treated<BR>better because they had it rough and now he's cut off her lawn mowing<BR>job because he says she's stuck up toward his family. When she was <BR>learning to drive, he took her right downtown the first day and when<BR>she overshot a red light and had to back-up some, he yelled at her<BR>and said she was going to get him a ticket, so now she doesn't want<BR>to drive with him, and he's mad at her about that. "our" is not in his<BR>vocabulary, only I. If I try to talk to him about problems or when he brings up problems he has with the kids, he always compares them to his other marriages, he says he has to because we are all a product of our past and he also quotes these psycology courses he took and says "you're trying to get me to (whatever his point is) by doing (whatever he says I'm using "against" him). If it's about the kids he says "he/she thinks..." as if he's an expert on what other people are thinking, and it's always something he thinks they are thinking against someone or plotting against someone. When I come home from work, he talks non-stop about<BR>what his day was like, but when I try to talk about my day or things,<BR>he turns up the tv and ignores me. How do you handle such a person?

Dear Shaylene,<BR> I'm not sure how you can deal with this kind of behavior. But, I think you can change some things. First, I'd make sure you are acting the same as when you first married. Spending time with him, being supportive, all those good things. Then, I would try to negotiate rationally with him, about the house and your kids. My dad always used money as a way to show affection, but also to buy loyalty, obedience and admiration. Naturally, it backfired. So, now we children are leary of any substantial gifts. And when we do accept them, we accept them with no strings, which has created some friction. One way to deal with this is to split everything, but that may hurt your husband. He may take that as a sign that you aren't committed to him. <P>A big question too is whether this man wants to be the father for your children and whether your children will accept him in a father role. A lot depends on that. If he thinks that he is entitled to the respect of a father simply because you and your children share his house, he's in for a big disappointment. On the other hand, if he really wants to be a father to them, and they are young enough, he may just need some coaching (not from you). And you and he will have to come to an agreement about how to handle discipline, money, and other things. Plus, you will have to fight the maternal urge to protect your children. (My husband is a great father, but I always want him to mother the children rather than father them. Recently, I've really tried to let him do it his way. So far everyone is happy and alive.)<P>I think the best chance is for you to explain your values, unemotionally, try to understand what your husband really wants and needs, and then try to find a way that will make you both happy. This probably won't happen in one sitting, although you may want it to.<P>Good luck.<BR>

Thanks for the advice, it's food for thought, however, I think it's also "food" for caution, I think this is how alot of women and children get into alot of trouble. <P>[QUOTE]Originally posted by greengables:<BR>Plus, you will have to fight the maternal urge to protect your children. (My husband is a great father, but I always want him to mother the children rather than father them. Recently, I've really tried to let him do it his way. So far everyone is happy and alive.)<P>