My H and I have been married 5 years, and together for 9. Overall, it has been a very happy marriage. We have both been very independent and this has led to each of us spending a lot of time apart. This was due mainly to his job, which requires him to travel a lot. Because of this, I adjusted my life so that I would not be lonely. In the last year his job became less demandiing, but I didn't really notice and never adjusted my busy schedule to be home more. <BR>He became lonely and bored - and as it would be, became close friends with mutual "new" friend of ours. I was aware of our new friends crush on my husband, but I tried very hard to be understanding, since I was trying to trust my husband (due to a previous incident). I told him it bothered me, and he adjusted his behavior accordingly whenever we were around her. <P>But, about 2 months ago, I found out that in reality, they have been talking on the phone whenever he goes out of town. The phone calls have been happening for over a year and they have been 1-4 hour long conversations. Also, when he confessed to the phone calls, he told me he was miserable, that he doesn't feel any spark for me anymore and that he thinks we are too different and should get a divorce. He also said he wanted to pursue a relationship with this OW.<P>Soon after that revelation, I found this web site and I have been trying very hard to fill his love bank. He has been very receptive and loving back to me. We've spent a lot more time together. Now, he says he doesn't want a divorce and he agrees we are compatible. <P>However, the phone calls continue. He still travels for work and everytime he is gone, he is calling her. He tells me they are friends and that they mostly talk about me. I have been very careful not to make any demands. I did not tell him that he can't call her, but I did say that if the phone calls continue, I will have to do what I need to do. <P>Also, I have been more aware of what is happening - call it snooping - whatever, and he has recently said he feels like a prisoner in his own home. At that point, I packed my bags and told him to straighten it out himself that I would give him space, so he doesn't feel like a prisoner. I wasn't gone long - 2 days, 2 nights. I was a mess by the time I got home.<P>He hasn't called her since, but I know he will when he goes out of town (which may be today). I want to forget about her and work on the issues that drove him to her in the first place. He is very hard to talk to though. Where should I begin? I tried to get him to fill out the survey, but he wasn't interested. He won't consider counseling either. So, I am left with just trying to talk to him, but I think it comes across as a lecture. He has trouble opening up to me, but 4 hour long conversations tell me he is capable. I think I go about it wrong. Can anyone offer advice? <P>I should also mention, his job means the world to him and 2 months ago, he didn't get a well deserved promotion because his company was bought out - it was the biggest, most important thing in his life to date. Now he fears the job opportunity is gone and that makes him very depressed. This has played into his feeling miserable and wanting the divorce.<P>He is a great H, very loving and patient. He does love me and I know we are good for each other. Now that he agrees with that, what do I do? What about the phone calls? He says he would never let his wife tell him who he will be friends with. I guess I feel, I shouldn't have to. He should be able to maintain his own friendships - I do. But he has proven on more than one occassion that he can't. I have a major trust issue with him and he says he doesn't know if he wants my trust. Probably because he does have feelings for this OW and wants to protect that friendship. I understand you can't just turn off feelings. How long does this usually take? And how can I start us talking about the real issues?
