I am new here and to be honest, a little apprehensive about sharing my problems with total strangers. And I will be somewhat longwinded in trying to share enough info. to give a clear picture of the problem, so please be patient. My husband and I have been married for 20 years. We have 3 children. My husband is self-employed and has provided us with an extremely comfortable lifestyle. I work part-time at his office (1day/wk)and have the luxury of staying home to care for the house and the kids the rest of the week. He provides a good enough income that money is never a concern at all. We have a nice IRA and are saving for the kids' college. We have a couple of areas in our marriage that are minor that we are working on, but the one issue that we cannot seem to resolve is the fact that he wants the freedom to gamble (i.e. go to casinos, bet sporting events, etc.)as much as he wants with as much money as he wants without any say from me. He "does not want me to dictate to him how often or how much he spends gambling - I should trust his judgement not to gamble beyond our means". Like I said before, we are saving money and living very comfortably. My problem is that I don't want to spend near the amount he wants to on gambling. I would rather give the money to my parents or a sibling or friend who doesn't have the luxuries we do than risk losing it all gambling. Up to this point he's had it his way but he's getting tired of "feeling guilty every time he gambles". So I have asked him to please sit down with me and lets find a place somewhere in between where we can both be happy. I would like to find an amount that I can be comfortable with setting aside for his gambling and then he can have the freedom to choose how he distributes it - in one big trip or in 8 -10 smaller ones, or whatever. He says if I put any restrictions on him at all I am dictating because it is a restriction from allowing him to use his own good judgement. I feel in my heart he should care enough about me to be willing to compromise. He feels I should trust him enough to not question it and really should embrace his interest in gambling and share in the excitement of it. Anyone have any thoughts on this?

Hi there, I read your question a couple days ago, but didn't reply because I can't really relate to this. I can suggest that you take a look at the Marriage Builders principles throughout this site. One in particular is the policy of joint agreement. Your husband may will probably not be open to this right now, but it may help if you begin to work on learning all you can about making your relationship work, and begin to work on all YOU can. Hopefully he will eventually open up as he sees you working so hard, and be willing to listen to your feelings on this.

You might want to try posting your question under the Emotional Needs section - it seems to be the most active one.

Thanks for taking the time to respond! Will try both of your suggestions.

POJA definitely! If you don't agree with the time, place and amount played, it ought not happen.<P>This comes under the realm of the Financial Support emotional need as well as POJA/negotiation. Financial support issues are tricky. The best reference I have found for such is the author Suze Orman. She has written a lot on "financial intimacy." His demand to gamble the family money on his own is pure selfishness. Not one iota of financial intimacy is being considered. Read the chapter in <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1573221252/qid=999304743/sr=1-1/ref=sc_b_1/107-7617894-0983757" TARGET=_blank>The Courage to be Rich</A> on financial intimacy. <P>Besides the basic respect and sharing issues, you may have a deep seated difference in Values. Many if not most religions consider gambling for greed a sin. My perspective is that the whole thing disrespects the blessings of God, squandering the material wealth meant for your future and your family on thrills. <P>Money wasted in a casino will not be a blessing to the poor or anyone but the casino owners. Gambling in church bingo games is slightly different because all the proceeds are for charity, so it is basically a fun fundraising. <P>I still have a problem with it because some people are easily addicted to gambling. The idea and thrill of getting something for nothing teaches children things I would rather mine not learn.<P><p>[This message has been edited by Karenna (edited August 31, 2001).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by lookin4answers:<BR><B><P> the one issue that we cannot seem to resolve is the fact that he wants the freedom to gamble (i.e. go to casinos, bet sporting events, etc.)as much as he wants with as much money as he wants without any say from me. He "does not want me to dictate to him how often or how much he spends gambling - I should trust his judgement not to gamble beyond our means". Like I said before, we are saving money and living very comfortably. My problem is that I don't want to spend near the amount he wants to on gambling. I would rather give the money to my parents or a sibling or friend who doesn't have the luxuries we do than risk losing it all gambling. Up to this point he's had it his way but he's getting tired of "feeling guilty every time he gambles". So I have asked him to please sit down with me and lets find a place somewhere in between where we can both be happy. I would like to find an amount that I can be comfortable with setting aside for his gambling and then he can have the freedom to choose how he distributes it - in one big trip or in 8 -10 smaller ones, or whatever. He says if I put any restrictions on him at all I am dictating because it is a restriction from allowing him to use his own good judgement. I feel in my heart he should care enough about me to be willing to compromise. He feels I should trust him enough to not question it and really should embrace his interest in gambling and share in the excitement of it. Anyone have any thoughts on this?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>L4A,<P>Hi there, welcome.<P>Here is what I would do:<P>My mate is a gambler: so to love him I must love gamblers.<P>But to lvoe gamblers, i must first lvoe myself as one.<P>So I say those words; I lvoe myself as gambler so that I acan love my H as myself.<P>So we are now on the same Love-length.<P>So he is going to here me saying it: I love mysef as a gambler, and Honey i love you as a gambler. He is going to hear me singing Love is a Gamble by paul Anka. Can I come gambling with you?<BR>Then you can kid with him: <BR>I want to gamble double waht you do! You're cheap honey!<BR>Or,<BR>I want to gamble with my life: now THAT is exciting: base jumping, yeah! Bungee is it! Gambling life eats gambling money anytime everytime: my life is my money: your money os your life!<P>He is going to be in no doubt as to my lvoe for him as WHO he is.<BR>He will start THINKING!<BR>Hmmmmmm, is she losing it? By principle she is right: If i can gamble money, she can gamble wahtever. Hmmmmmm is she having a midlife crisis? Hmmmmmm having an affair? i better realise what example I am setting with this gambling of mine.<BR>What IS wrong with me.<BR>Then he says to you:<BR>Honey, we need to talk!<P>Then: he will begin to sense that ht ereason you want him to not gamble with so much money if ONLY for his benefit: you are not going to love him less if he gambles with how much he wants, and you are not going to love him MORE if he goes with your idea.<P>He will stop feeling SO guilty for gambling!<BR>He will no longer ahve YOU to balme for gambling: he will only ffel his won guilt!<P>Then you continue:<P>I love me as guilty so I lvoe you as guilty.<BR>You making him see that his only guilt is being guilty for hating himself!<P>I love being dictated to/restricted so I lvoe you as dictated to/restricted too.<BR>I love being a dictator/restricter so I love you as a dictator/restricter.<P>I love myself as trusted and distrusted so that I love him as trusted and distrusted.<BR>My love is NOT based on trust: or no trust or less trist, no Love or less Love.<BR>My trust is based on Love: so no ot less Love, same 100% Love!<BR>That is how you answer his concerns about trust!<P>All of this is to free you up of any contribution of Hate to the cause of his over gambling with your welfare.<P>Now why the gambling:<P>Pepole who hate being bored want excitement to love themselves.<BR>And since Love is the real need, to keep the Love coming, they have to keep the excitement coming: <BR>so they must over do whatever they get the excitememnt from: food, fast driving, drinking, sex, GAMBLING, whatever. <BR>ok?<BR>They end up being symptom-addicted to whatever.<BR>The real addiction is their HATE for themselves as whatever words they hate themselves as!<BR>So they end up looking for Love in all the wrong places: outside of themselves.<BR>They never look within!<P>So does your H hate being bored, being dull, safe, weak, complacent, being lazy, being fat?<BR>Do you hate being bored and etc?<P>Then:<BR>He must HEAR you say you LOVE being bored and etc and that you lvoe being excited!<BR>So you lvoe him as all those words.<P>You will tehn have set him up to get help ... from himself!<P>Deal with the cause and the behavior will take care of itself, ok?<P>What do you think?<P>Love and Respect,<BR>Omega<BR>

Just some info on gambling I came across...<BR> <A HREF="http://www.family.org/cforum/gambling/" TARGET=_blank>http://www.family.org/cforum/gambling/</A> <P>Hope it is helpful. Maybe there is something in there you can share with your H.

I think you have a bigger problem than you may think, compulsive gambling is a progressive illness which gets worse never better. I know it might be hard to admitt there is a problem but there is trust me, I have been in recovery 18yrs. Try visiting gamblersanonymous.org and delphi.com/gambler and read all you can on compulsive gambling, also if you are from a large area try to find a local gam-anon meeting and attend regular for 3 months for yourself give them an honest chance to help you in this situation. Take care of yourself<P>

If you need more help, email me at jabber245@yahoo.com<P>