Found out S had short-term A 10 years ago. Believe it or not, I knew for those 10 years something was wrong between us but did not suspect A. When I found out I felt so betrayed and cheated that I did not think I could live with him so we separated. During separation I felt cheated out of home, future, dreams, etc. and S convinced me to try again, so we got back together after 8 months. We read all the MB stuff, even had MB counseling, so I thought we had a good chance. We've been back together for months and things were going well until I found out H has broken a promise made when we got back together. It had nothing to do with A and would seem inconsequential to most, but for me has brought back anger, distrust, etc. that came with finding out about A. How to get past this? Most of you posting want to save marriage, but I keep thinking, "do I want to be with someone I can't trust"?

I know that once someone lies to you, you feel betrayed, taken for granted and hurt. You wonder why they lie to you because you never gave them a reason too. My STBX lied to me many of times. It had nothing to do with OW (there was none). It was the little lies that hurt the most and I always found out from someone else then confronted him and he lied right to my face.<P>Its very hard to trust someone who lies to you. You have to start rebuilding that trust. I just got to the point that I couldn't trust him at all. Once a liar, always a liar. I tried rebuilding that trust while we were separated and it worked for about 2 weeks then I found out this and that and he lied to me. My STBX didn't want to make any efforts to change. We went to 1 counseling session and I found out from my FIL (STBX's step dad) that my STBX will not let feelings out and once someone starts picking his brain, he shuts down. So that ended counseling real quick. I never noticed that about my STBX, I just thought my husband didn't show feelings like most do.<P>About 2 weeks ago my STBX said he wanted a divorce. I filed for it because I know he doesn't have the money to do it and he would sit on this separation until he was good and ready to come back. I didn't want to file and I never thought my marriage or life would come to this point. Why did I actually file? Because I kept asking myself the same questions over and over again about his lying. Do I want to live with someone who lies to me? Do I want him back and when he says he's going out, do I have to worry myself sick wondering where he is, who he's with and what he's doing? Do I want to get in the car and follow him to see where he is? Is his lying ever going to stop when my FIL told me my STBX lied to them numerous times when he was younger? All those questions I asked myself helped me make the decision as to where I am in my marriage today (divorce proceedings).<P>Its up to you in wanting to rebuild trust and how to rebuild it. If you keep assuming, blaming, or accusing, that's definately won't build trust. Is you have to follow them to see where they are, that won't build trust.<P>Good Luck

I feel my H is a pathological liar! I keep asking myself the questions that ela asked herself and I don't think I can remain married, but I just can't bring myself to filing.<P>Once again we are discussing rebuilding our marriage. We've been married less than 2 years and he's been lying the whole time. We've had these discussions over and over again.<P>I also caught my H in lies before we were married, but didn't think it was a habit until we moved under one roof.<P>I don't have any suggestions and I'm sorry - just wanted to add some support to you.<P>Take care!

Liars = Players! <BR>I've noticed all players are liars, they have to in order to survive but eventually they get caught. If you notice, they are the people who move from person to person with no remorse and are always running from their past. <P>In Dr Harleys negotiation steps in marriage he speaks of honesty and how important it is. I too myself have a problem with someone I'm in a relationship with & Love when they cannot be TOTALLY honest with me. Anymore, when I see that a person doesn't have integrity in their character makeup I don't even waste my time with them because I feel I deserve more. I feel you are correct in stating that "Once a Liar always a Liar" as my experience has been the same.<P>It's very frustrating & emotionally draining when dealing with a liar. I find myself making a mistake under Dr Harleys succesful negotiations rules # 2, #3 and #4. Sometimes my taker wins and I say disrespectful statements but they are facts! If someone robbed a bank and was caught by the police and we were all outside when the police brought him/her out and I called him/her a bank robber would I be wrong? I believe in Honesty & Loyalty, with these in mind a relationship will always work when both people practice this.<P>PS: If It Looks Like a Duck, Sounds Like a Duck & Walks Like a Duck? Its probably a duck!

I deal with the same things with my H. We have just moved back in together after 9 mo of separation, caused mostly by his lying. Even if everything else is great, the lying erases it. The A would be not such a big deal in my case, but the lying continues.....<P>Hanging on to what he "can be"....wondering if the lies will eventually kill all feelings for him.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by rhapsody:<BR><STRONG>I deal with the same things with my H. We have just moved back in together after 9 mo of separation, caused mostly by his lying. Even if everything else is great, the lying erases it. The A would be not such a big deal in my case, but the lying continues.....<P>Hanging on to what he "can be"....wondering if the lies will eventually kill all feelings for him.</STRONG><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>It would be so much easier if these people would be honest, they just dont get it that in the long run honesty does payoff. But players rely on dishonesty because thats how they get by.

I can, sadly, empathise with all of you. My husband is a pathological liar (I found out after we married). He would lie about any behaviour he did that he thought I would not like.<p>For example, he took up porn and lied about it (I found some on his computer, he said it wasn't his, but he is the only one who ever used that computer). He started smoking and lied about it, because I am a non smoker and don't like to be around cigarette smoke. He lied about his credit card debt, because he thought that "by the time I found out about it, he would have it paid off". I quickly lost my trust for him and started going through his stuff (I told him I would be doing this). I found messages on his computer to various people, in which he complained about me, told them that he "couldn't take it anymore and wanted to leave me". When I asked him if he ever complained about me to others, he said never. (obvious lie). As our relationship deteriorated, he started going out and not telling me where he was going. (I found out, once, that he snuck out in the middle of the night to meet an ex-lover - "she's just a friend") I dont think anything happened but he lied to me about where he was. I threw him out on Tuesday night because he would not tell me the truth and would not own up to what he did. Also, blamed me and said if I didn't try to control what he did, he wouldn't have to lie.<p>Finally, he announced last night that he is divorcing me. (legal separation first.) Based on the fact that OUR MARRIAGE WAS A LIE. He never *really* loved me, he only married me because he was at a bad point in his life, and I made him feel good about himself and supported him. Now, he feels better about himself, and apparently, my services are no longer required. [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] <p>So, do you want to be with someone you can't trust? My answer is, if you feel like, if there was some way he could made up for those lies and he was willing to do whatever it takes, and then you would re-gain your trust for him, DO IT. A marriage should not be thrown away. However, if you honestly, feel that you can never trust him again or he will not try to make it up to you and show you he is truly sorry, consider that the rest of you marriage you will be living in constant distrust, and that is no way to live life IMHO.<p>It seems like he IS willing to try, so I think you should give him a chance. He just made a slip up, I think it is like quitting smoking. He is addicted to lies, so as he quits he is bound to have a couple relapses. But as long as he tries, I think you should try to save the marriage. especially if there are kids involved.<p>HTH<p>Avatar