A little background: this is my 1st marriage, my husband's second. His former wife died leaving him with 2 young children 4 years ago. We've been together for 2 1/2 years, married for one. <p>As you can imagine, my husband's and my road has not been an easy one. We've had so many issues to sort out that you'd think we'd be masters of negotiation by now. Think again!<p>My biggest stumbling block is how my husband responds to any complaints that I may have. When something bothers me, I try to bring it up right away. I know how "sensitive" he is to my complaints, so I consciously approach the topic as carefully as possible. What often happens is that I present my complaint, we discuss it, he nods his head and agrees with me and then life goes on. EXCEPT that within a very short period of time, he's "forgotten" what I've asked of him, I get resentful because I hate nagging and I refuse to do it, I become very bad tempered, he asks me what's wrong, I tell him, he gets defensive, I clam up and withdraw, he gets aggressive, calls me names, I withdraw completely (I can't deal with aggression because of a history of childhood abuse). <p>Recently, he presented me with a list of reasons for why he thinks I'm arrogant. Great way to start a discussion, huh?! The list contained 7 things that I had "dared" to complain about over the past 2 1/2 years. I told him that I had discussed those things with him very respectfully and that he had lead me to believe that he agreed with me. He claims to not remember and said that it was the tone of my voice that he objected to. I remember the conversations very clearly, and I remember my tone of voice. I also remember how he reacted. <p>How the heck am I supposed to communicate with someone who doesn't "remember" what we talked about or how I phrased things? What's the point of "phrasing" anything if he doesn't even remember? Do I have to bring in a portable tape recorder next time? Do we have to begin writing everything down? Is he being deceptive when he nods his head and agrees with me? I don't believe him anymore. I feel that he deceives me into believing he's okay with everything and then throws it in my face weeks later.<p>[ January 01, 2002: Message edited by: Miss Construed ]</p>

dear miss construed;
I have the same problem but with myself. My GF tells me that I am smothering her and I do hear her but I keep on doing it. Her plate is way over full with problems and I ain't helping here. Your husband my be getting fustrated not with you but himself for it. My biggest problem like you is trying to comunicate a problem to a spouse or GF. I been trying to tell her that there is a imbalance. My needs are not being met yet when it comes to telling her I either stumble over myself or I fail all together. Lets face it communication is hit and miss at best but we must persist if we are ever to get anywhere. My biggest stumbling block with her is sex. My sexual needs are not being met here and she is very sensitive on this subject. I feel she is worried about getting you know while still engaged in her legal affairs. I agree it would not be pretty for her if she was carrying. But still I haven't had it since before my marriage breakup three years ago and its hard to love someone without that physical contact. As for your problem there could be somethingelse going on in his head. It could be that there is something he is trying to work out. He loves you he just needs time to adjust and he in a state of flux. Give it time , these things take time, be patience and maybe like me we both need to tone it down and pick our times to bring things up.Like you I can't wait to talk to her about something and I feel compelled to do it right away and I feel thats where the sensitivity and fustrations come in<p>231<p>[ January 01, 2002: Message edited by: 231 ]</p>

My wife and I struggle with many of the same issues regarding communication. We have, at times done exactly what you suggested. Tape record our conversations. It was at the request of a counselor so we didn't have one or the other of us bearing the burden of guilt or blame for doing it. Surprisingly It had several effects. The main one being that we were BOTH very carefull to say what we meant. And correct ourselves when we were not clear. There was an instant improvement in how respectfull we were when the machine was on because neither of us wanted our disrespect recorded. It surprised me that even though I thought I had been very respectful before, I behaved differently knowing that we were recording it.
I'm not necessarily recommending using a tape recorder, but it was certainly a revealing exercise for me and made me think differently about how I said things.
My wife and I have had great success in communicating through writing. Mostly through email. Sometimes through letters. It gives the reader time to vent emotions while reading things that would otherwise generate arguments. In addition, It help us formulated and think more about our responses. My wife thinks on the fly and replies almost immediately to things. It takes me a lot longer to process things and figure out what or how I feel about something. By using a medium of communication that allows this not to be a problem, it removes the frustration for her of waiting for me to think about it, and I don't feel rushed through an issue during conversation.
It's possible that your husband isn't really aggreeing when he nod's, but rather is processing and hasn't been able to figure out a lot of conflicting emotions regarding the issue. Another advantage to writing is that the issues don't go away quite as easily. It's much harder to put things in the mental 'done file' when it's in the form of paper. It may also allow him to reflect, and re-read issues you might have if he had a more permenant record. I'm sure that the most memorable things about some of my tyrades are not the ideas I've been trying to disclose, but rather my emotions. Writing things helps to focus on the issues for us.
I also think it help me formulate my feelings and concerns in a much more constructive manner to begin with.<p>Good Luck, Hang In There, The only true failure is giving up.