[img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] Why Can't He Hear Me? "I Love Him!"<p>
My husband and I can't seem to see eye to eye on the porn xxx subject. My husband doesn't give me sex at all on workdays! He sometimes won't even do it once a week! So I'm lucky if it is twice a month. <p>My husband has been on live web cams, private email boxes, all this internet catch me porno junk. Last summer I thought we could compromise, if we did it TOGETHER he could enjoy it...but he insists on his privacy. He wanted his email box full of intimate relationship adds for our area! I am heartbroken because I believe I should confront him...so I did, he denied all. I talked with a counselor who told me to do the same or have an affair, the counselor told me to masturbate. UGH!<p>I am a Christian! I hate all this porn! I don't block it all though because my husband will be angry. He likes it! It is ruining my marriage. He has viagra, it doesn't matter, he won't take it unless he wants to. <p>I am frustrated. I am lonely, I am a beautiful wife and mother, I know that. I am here! Does he see me? I keep asking him about the :elephant: in our living room! I don't want to ignore that big elephant it is ruining me!<p>Do husbands get to have porno privacy? Is this what the world is now? I am so sad! I love him, needless to say that again. He says he loves me and can't live without me, but everytime I turn around he is on the internet, plus he will never have sex ever unless he needs it. HELP!

<small>[ January 26, 2005, 07:48 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

Ineed,<p>thank you for you reply on my post I have a suggestion and mind you its just a suggestion but there is a program you can put on your computer it on www.contentwatch.com you can filter the porn off your computer with a password that disables others from getting into it. also they will give you email alerts and send you montly a statement of the activity on your computer.. and much more go to the site and see what it says. He obviously dosen't care how much he hurts you and I think you have the right to monitor what is being done on that computer you have children around this is not right his time should be with you admireing his loving and beautiful wife spending quality time with you not on the computor chating etc with slutty women. I am praying for you Ineed and your husband too. I hope God will open his eyes as to what he is doing to his wife, children and marraige he is loosing his life for some cheap excitement how sad for him. stay strong, be tough, and take all your toubles, concerns, and heartaches to the lord in prayer he is there for you Ineed.
with all my hope for you
watergirl...pamela good luck and god bless

I am a husband. First of all, Is your husband a Christian? Whether he is or not, he should know that pornography is very destructive and consuming. Once you start off with pornography, you want harder and harder porn. to the point of getting into trash like bestiality and kiddy-porn..then it becomes a criminal matter. So for your husband's own safe, tell him to leave the porn alone. It will consume him. Secondly, speaking as husband, I think you tell him how you feel and don't sugar-coat it. Third, I have perfect solution for you. I've seen this work on countless ocassions. Why don't you and your husband take some provocative pictures of yourselves. I'm telling you, he will love this because whenever he has the appetite to see something visually stimulating he will pull out your pictures and smile, knowing that he has that waiting for him at home. I really encourage you to try this. Let me know if you're successful.

WOW! Menekim, I just gave that advice to a newlywed wife. My SO and I did the pictures and it's helped. Plus, my SO is fighting SA. Imagine the help it would do for someone who's yet to cross the line.<p>Sadly, when the H starts to prefer the porn to his W, the line may have already been crossed.

Let me add a man's voice here. I agree with all that has been said, and I agree, porn is wrong and harmful. I certainly don't want to excuse it, but I think there are reasons that make it easier for men to get involved. But remember, these are not excuses!<p>Men are fragile, no matter what you think. And when we hurt we internalize it. No one likes pain and rejection, percieved or real, so we try to relieve it with other behavior and escape. We all know the usual addictive behaviors - drinking, drugs, porn, eating, shopping, plus almost anything else that we use regularly for relief of pain.<p>For men visual stimulation is very powerful, and sexual visual stimulation is extremely strong. When men and women are aroused our brains release endorphines - chemicals that are more powerful, more addicting, and harder to walk away from than morphine. Numerous studies have shown this to be true. Porn makes people feel "good" by giving a shot of these chemicals. It becomes easier to run to porn than to deal with problems, to work out argurments, and to work at a relationship when it is hard. It is an escape into non-reality.<p>There is no relationship with a picture, so it is safe. You can make her out to be anything you want or imagine. Always hot, always panting after you, and never a relationship problem at all. If men would see how these movies and pictures are made - take after take of the same sexual action, 20 people standing around to work the equipment needed for movies, and actors who are acting, not living, who are not in love, but are soul-less and hollow - maybe this would help cure them.<p>Many women run to food or sweets or shopping. I know this is not the same, and I don't mean to demean women. These do not harm a marriage as easily, and do not end a sex life usually. But it may help to understand the allure of this as an excape from reality and pain. The problem is that men get addicted to their own brain chemicals more strongly than a morphine addict is addicted to the drug, and men begin to use any excuse to escape. Add to this plain old lust after the anorexic, computer and/or surgically enhanced, always ready body, and you can begin to see the problem.<p>Your pain and sense of betrayal and fear are so evident, and I hurt for you. Don't give up yet! It is too early to give up. Try to get on his side and ask how you can help him rather than condemning him. Condemning will only drive him deeper and make him become more secretive.<p>There is a good book you might want to look at. It is called "An Affair of the Mind" by Laurie Hall. Her husband was addicted to porn for 20 years. This is her story of survival and restoration, but it is not easy to read - her pain and dark times are clearly spelled out, and her marriage is healing, but hot whole yet. I think it will help, though, is pointing you in the right direction.<p>praying<p>rjd

Ineed....Im sorry for all your hurt. There are deeper issues here I think. Your husband has signs of being a sex addict. I know because I am a recovering sex addict. I really suggest getting the book "Out of the Shadows" by Patrick Carnes. The things your husband is doing are the things I use to do for hours at a time. Mine grew into multiple affairs. What he is doing now is already considered an affair in Gods eyes. Your husband will soon want and crave more than just chat rooms and porn.In my opinion, the reason your husband never wants to have sex is because he is having it without you while he is doing all this stuff. PLEASE GET THE BOOK AND READ IT AND LET YOUR HUSBAND READ IT. I WISH I HAD BEFORE I THREW AWAY MY MARRIAGE AND MY KIDS OVER SOMETHING SOOOOOO STUPID.<p> Nobody has a right to porno privacy or any other kind of privacy. If you have to hide anything from your spouse then it is wrong and it degrades the marriage. Some people say there is no harm in looking. I say BULL DOODOO. When you lust after another you degrade your spouse and completely disrespect them.<p> My wife did the same thing you did and looked at it with me. Little did we realize that it was leading to a path of destruction for us.<p> Please take my advice and read and possibly get a counselor before your marriage goes to far the wrong way that it will be impossible to recover.<p> Love in christ,<p> Cajunky<p>[ February 03, 2002: Message edited by: cajunky ]<p>[ February 04, 2002: Message edited by: cajunky ]</p>

You heard the Christian. Porn is bad news. I was married to a sex addict. It starts with mags & movies, computer crap, a lap dance, a private lap dance, an erotic "massage", a call girl, a hooker, a swingers club, a crack whore. It ends in a very ugly way, he only gets supervised visitation for a reason. Bad news man, bad news. There should be no "privacy" from the person you committed your life to, unless of course you are making some smelly business in the little room. Then it isn't even privacy, it is just plain old polite. When you say you will "share your life with someone" it doesn't mean you will share your life until you want to do something you don't want her to know about.
With love,
a bitter old bat

I know how you feel. My husband and I have only been married 6 months. First let me tell you my husband is an artist and he was not like this before. It just started 2 weeks ago. He is now staying up all night looking at porn sites. When I confronted him he said he was on there to look at the artwork of the carttons. I told him I didn't like him doing that and it made me feel hurt when he did. He said sorry he won't do it again. Yet, he did it last night. He thinks he is getting away with it because he doesn't know that I can check the history of the web sites. So now I am really lost and confused. I love my husband dearly. So I know how you feel. Now I am lost and confused. I hope your marriage works out for the best.

I just wanted to offer a suggestion, maybe it'll help. I heard a plug for a Christian website for men with an addiction to pornog on 980 am radio station (same one that features Marriage Talk) This website offers help for the wives dealing with this problem.

csjunky is right, Carnes book is excellent. Another good one is "Every Man's Battle" by Steve Arterburn, I think. That would be a good one to give to your husband.

Ineed,<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Ineed:
<strong>Do husbands get to have porno privacy? Is this what the world is now?</strong><hr></blockquote><p>The answer is a simpe one: NO, a thousand times no.<p>If for no other reason, your H should stop all use of porn because his use obviously hurts you. Plus, there are a ton of other reasons, many of which have been mentioned by others who have already replied.<p>Another book, Christian based, is "Silent Battle: Ministering to those trapped in the deception of pornography". But, how helpful all the book suggestions in the world are is hard to tell. If your H is not even willing to negotiate on the point, then you are not getting anywhere on the issue.<p>There is absolutely no way your H should have secrets from you, no matter what they relate to. When you married him, I bet you thought that you would discuss all things relating to the sexuality in your M. Well, your H either did not think the same thing or has lied to you. Either way, this is serious and you should not let that 'elephant' hang out under your carpet any longer.<p>Harley has written 2 articles in the Q&A's on porn. The Enough is Enough campaign has recently written a report on how 'harmless' (NOT) porn is. Very, very few people who have really studied the effects of porn believe that it is okay. Rather, the more recent research studies all point in one direction: porn is harmful. It is now clear that there is no satisfying the 'want' associated to porn use, there is no volume that satisfies, and so there is a high risk that the habit escalates over time. Also, it has been shown that viewing of anything but the most conventional porn (softcore and boring hardcore stuff), will eventually translate into wanting to try it out in real life. Both these finding have been confirmed recently by different sources.<p>Ineed, if you can't get your H's agreement on porn use that you can live with (whether that is none or only with you in the room, or whatever is acceptable to you), then what about joint counselling with a C that you can both trust and who you have both agreed upon? If you are part of a church or parish, another option is the minister/pastor/counsellor from there.<p>Good luck. Let us know whether you make any progress on this issue.<p>
rjd,<p>I know you are not defending the use of porn by a married man, but your "man's point of view" deserves some comment.<p>There may be 'no relationship with a picture', but it is NOT at all safe. All the rationalization and reasons in the world won't change the fact that porn is hurtful and damaging. It is, when hidden from one's W in M, a betrayal. Whether the person viewing it wants to believe it is hurtful is almost irrelevant; it IS hurtful to that person's W; it is a recurring betrayal; it is a death by a thousand cuts.<p>The stories on this board are but a few of the horrible scenarios resulting, at least in part, from continued porn use. A visit to a prison where sex offenders are incarcerated would yield dozens of other examples that are even more extreme. The situations where porn use stay 'controlled' in the sense that the use does not escalate or worsen in anyway, there is complete honesty with one's spouse, and both spouses gladly consent to its use are few and far between. The odds are overwhelmingly against porn use having no harmful effects on anyone.<p>Why does every man who uses porn think he is the one to beat the odds?<p>[ February 05, 2002: Message edited by: OneDay ]</p>

For those who don't know my story, here it is in a nutshell. My H used porn, secret e-mails, phone sex and other avenues to get his secret sex fixes via OW for as long as we have been together. I think he has stopped, at least for now, but being able to trust him, after so many relapses, is so difficult. I was available for him for sex and I thought we had a good sex life. I was wrong.<p>As for the issue of porn, I think it is the work of Satan. I'm not a bible thumping Christian either but I think porn or other people period have any place in the intimacy of a marital relationship and is simply evil. <p>Porn makes men look like they can have sex with as many women as they want, whenever they want. Women, on the other hand, are insatiable sex machines who are always available to accomodate the man's every request, no matter how bizarre or harmful it may be. The characteristic message of pornography is that women are promiscuous sexual creatures who are subordinate and subserviant to men. <p>Pornography portrays all sexual relationships to be devoid of commitment, monogamy, fidelity or responsibility. In real life, where are the most satisfying and rewarding sexual relatiohsips? In a marriage that values intimacy, commitment, responsibility and fidelity. People who use pornography, I believe, set themselves up for unrealistic expectations that lead to failed relationships. Habitual male users of pornography are at greater risk of becoming sexually callous...I have certainly seen that in my relationship with my spouse. He is sexually callous. An example...a few months ago, when we were in what I know know was a false recovery, he told me I should watch a porn video to get an idea of how to really give a blowjob. What I was doing was stimulating but I just wasn't as "into it" as the porn actresses where. (can I vomit now?)<p>The harms of pornography are attested to by those who have experienced them directly...users and spouses of users of pornography. Look at the numbers of marriage builders that chime in on a thread about porn and how harmful it is to marital relationships. <p>Pornography is not about real human sexuality or real human relationships. Pornography dehumanizes love, honor, dignity, true intimacy and commitment. It doesn't show the consequences the young woman with an unwanted pregnancy, a man getting AIDS, the married man or woman being tempted into a sexual relationship by a member of the opposite sex or the pain that innocent kids feel when their parents are divorcing because of infidelity.<p>Now, for the men who think I am bashing you collectively, that is not how I mean for my post to be taken. Please consider when the last time was that a man came to marriage builders complaining about his wife using porn and how it is hurtful to him. It seems it is a very one sided issue as far as who is the user that is causing the hurt when it comes to porn. Both men and women are hurt by it but the men do not seem to realize how hurtful porn is to their relationships until they see their wife falling in love with someone else or they see their wives withdrawing from them because they are acting callous toward them.<p>People who use porn do not stop so easily. I've been in your shoes for too many years. Keep an eye on your husband. I doubt he has stopped for good. I hope I am wrong but I have lived too long in a marriage plagued by the images of porn and talked with too many women who it seems, have been living a life quite parallel to mine. I have issued a edict in our realationship when it comes to chatting, email and porn... if it stays, I go. There is no room for this type of privacy in a marriage.<p>This is a good website for more information on how harmful pornography is to marriage:<p>http://www.pureintimacy.org<p>Drop me a line if you need to ...webmaster@bustedyouonline.com<p>Bluebird

OneDay
Thanks for the correction. I am afraid I was not clear in what I said. I did not mean to say that it was safe to have a relationship with a picture. What I was trying to say that for a man with relationship problems with a real, live wife - a picture is to him much safer. There are no relationship problems with a picture. There is only the false person you create in you mind who never gives you problems. <p>I agree, porn is harmful and destructive. I was raised in a bar and saw the empty shells of people who used porn. <p>I hope I've been a bit clearer. By the way, is your name from OneDay at Shelby Farms in May, 2000? I was there leading a college group with my wife and three older children. If you were there you will understand my full address rjd268

Oh Bluebird, you hit on the thing I find most disturbing. This porn thing IS one-sided right now. But using porn instead of intimacy is a learned behavior. One that's only been taught and sold to men thus far. With the internet and women earning more money, I fear the worst is to come in our children's generation. How long before women are trained to look at men as objects so women will buy porn of men and boys.