I'm not sure where to start, we have been only married 6 months and are in trouble all ready. I'm a full time college student and work part-time at the school. He works full-time and we have a 8 year-old son, not his but he's willing to adopt him.
Well heres the problems, I also work at a bar one day a week from 8pm-3am and sometimes I pick up a friday night or saturday, at first he was fine with it for a while and now he hates me working there. I don't understand! he want's me to find a real job and not work that late, he also said that he's done all the changing and now I want to be a college kid again and party and hang out with just my friends. We just moved to a town away from all our family and friends and I hated it here till I started to meet new people,which I meet at the bar working. Now he hates everyone here and wants me to hate them all too.
He also say's that I don't show him enough affection when we go out, he want's me to hang on him and not talk to anyone but him.
He's changed so much since we got married. He told me last night that he's not happy with the way I am in this marriage, he want's me to be depents on him only and not be depent on my own. I know that a marriage is to work together but I'm so lost and not sure what to do. He has no trust in me and checks up on what I do all the time. He said that I should spend all my time with him and our son, not friens or doing school work. I'm just trying to better myself so we can have more money and be able to do more things as a family. Now we can't afford to go out to a movie or anythign. That's part of the reason I took the bar job and he thougt that was fine, till I started. I'm scarred that I'm not what a wife should be, should a be a "Judy Clever" and stay home like he wants me too? He also said that he wants a divorce if I don't change my ways and quit school and the bar. School has been a dream for a long time and I started going before I was married and he was fine with it. Why the change since we got married???
Please give me some help,

Let me start by saying that I understand. I know people say that all the time without meaning. But I do.. I have been married for 11 years, and I'm still strugling to please my husband. I've been thru a serious break down. That my husband didn't understand.. So please take a bit of advice. DO NOT LOSE YOURSELF!! You have to do something that you know in your heart is good for you and your family. Do not let him take complete control of you. If so you will get to a point where you will shut down. I did whatever my husband asked me to do.. He told me to cut all ties with my family and friends. And of course I did. But that wasn't good enough for him.. You shouldn't have to give up big things. Little things ok but not family and friends. And as for you going to school. DONT YOU DROP OUT!! Finish college.. That way you don't have to bartend for the rest of your life. Bartending? Well at least you are making money. Your husband sounds like mine in ways. And it will get worse before it gets better.. Just remember no matter what you keep you happy and do what you know is the right thing to do. I would like to hear from you..

ok..i am a student at high school and im doind a research paper on teenage marriages. I would like to know if anybody was married at an early age and if you were can i ask you a few questions.

Hello it was nice to hear from someone, thank you very much. So you don't think that I'm wrong for going to school and still working at the bar. He's really upset with me now, because when we were fighting I said fine I'll give it up and quit and i can't do it, i feel bad for leaving the bar hanging and for not doing what my husband wants me to do. I just feel like I'm a huge looser because I can't make my husband happy with me. He said if I go back to the bar tonight that I have to see what's going to happen when I get home. I'm just lost and so upset. Thank you for lisening. Carrie

Carrie,
Your pain and heartache come through so clearly, and I am so sorry that you are having such a hard time. Speaking as a counselor you H is emotionally abusive. In fact, what he is doing is a textbook description of the beginings of abuse. Social isolation, moving from family and friends, demands for total dependency, criticism of your work and especially your schooling. And your confusion is a textbook response - self blame, confusion, doubting that you are a good wife, not knowing what to do or what to be, and especially, seeing such a drastic change so quickly.<p>Carrie, you are in danger emotionally; serious danger. I am not being an alarmist, but this is how an abusive reltaionship begins. It ends up with a broken, emotionally shattered wife. This must end now, or the marriage will be hell and you will be devestated. And yes, it can escalate to physical abuse, even sexual abuse. If he will not go for counseling with you, go alone, but let there be consequences for his not going. Tell him he must either go or leave the house. This is drastic, but Carrie, I have worked with women whose mariages began as yours did, and they have lost years of life and hope. Please don't let this happen to you and your son.<p>PLEASE read this book: "No Visible Wounds: Idnetifying Nonphysical Abuse of Women by Their Men" by MAry Susan Miller. Here is the link to Amazon where you can buy it, and read 52 oages right on this site: <p>http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/A...sr=8-1/ref=sr_8_67_1/104-1605098-6311929<p>Also, here is the web address for the American Association of Christian Counselors: www.aacc.net
You can look for a counselor in your area by going to the page called Find a Counselor and typing in your zip code. If you are in Canada you can call them and they will give you someone in your area there.<p>Please do not let this go. You are already feeling the effects of abuse and it will get worse beyond what you can imagine now. <p>Rich

Hi Carrie,
I hope things are going ok for you. No I do not think you are wrong. Please forgive me for saying this.. Things are going to get worse for you if you don't stand your ground. Stand up for yourself. I KNOW!!! If u give in now your H will expect you to all the time. Do not give into this. It's good to do what you can for your husband to make him happy but what what about your happiness? Does he make you happy? Does he go out of his way to make you happy? Does he give up things? If your husband REALLY loves you he would do what he can to amke you happy. No one should feel like it is all their fault. You are on your way to emoitinal distruction.. I've been there!!! It is the hardest thing to live with. No matter how hard you try to please it just gets hard and harder with no end in sight. He's already made you doubt yourself and feel ashamed. That isn't right. YOur husband should also be your friend. He is supposed to encourage you and push you toward your goals.. <p>I want to say one more thing, cause maybe you need to hear it from someone.. I am proud of you!! VERY PROUD!!! PROUD becuase u see there is a problem!! Listen to your heart. I read in a magazine that the best place to find answers is within ourselves. That we ask people for advise because we hope they will tell us what we want to hear. Not what we know is the answer. Try something.. Look in the mirror and ask yourself what you should do, what you see happening and what you see in the future.. YES TALK TO YOURSELF. ANSWER YOURSELF. It does work.
Remember.. Hold on to yourself cause once u give that up you may never find it again. ANd let me tell you this, Once your spirit dies inside of you, It is so dark and lonely and very easy to get lost. And right now it sounds to me that the only person you have is your child and husband. I know cause that was all I had. I will be here for you PLEASE EMAIL ME.. I would love to have a personal conversation with you. I want to be the friend to you that I never had. YOu don't need to go thru this alone .. I PROMISE!!! <p>with my love and prayers. Lisa

Hi Lisa,
Thank you so much for being a friend for me, I really need it right now, because I don't think I can really tell my family or others what is really going on. I feel like I would just disapoint them all.
I'll tell you about are weekend, it started off really good, my dad came up to get my son for the weekend and it was just going to be our time, Friday night went well and so did Saturday and most of that night, we went out with another couple his best friend and his wife and we went out to eat and went to a few bars, I'm not really a big drinker but I had a few and for some stupid reason my friend said lets flash someone so like a stupid person I did and my husband was just livid the rest of the night. I had a bar on which is just like a swim suit top I didn't show anything. But I know it was wrong and now I can't take it back as much as I would like to. He said I'm just a huge disapointment to him as a wife. I tried so hard to make it so right this weekend and I messed it all up. What is wrong with me and why can't I do anything right for him? I feel like I'm walking on pins and needles with him, I have to watch what i say or do who I speak to and make sure I give him all the attention he needs.
Last night I just wanted to die and forget about everything and how bad of a person that I am. But then I thougt of my 8-year-old son and could never leave him alone. But that's how awful i felt. I told my H that I was really sorry and he said he's sick of hearing me say sorry and I should change and stop doing the things I do to make him feel the way he does with me.
Thank you again so much for taking the time for me. I'm not sure how to e-mail you personally is there a trick to it? I would also love to just chat with you. Please write again and inform me how to e-mail you or get you e-mail address.
Thank you so much.
your friend Carrie

Carrie,
Lisa is right, listen to your feelings. And listen to yourself in your last post. You are ripping yourself to pieces as though you were a horrible person. You are not a bad wife, or a bad woman. You are trying so hard to be a good wife and mother, and your H has made you feel like dirt. Carrie, please listen, you are already begining to take on the characteristics of an emotionally abused wife. Please get help, now. And if you need to, get out now. Emotional abuse is worse than pyhsical abuse in some ways. You cannot see the wounds, but they bleed and hurt just as bad. And all the time you are being battered you are believing that you are the cause! Carrie, you are not the cause for him wounding your soul, he is. And you are not bad because he says you are, or because he cannot be pleased with anything you do. Please look up some web sites on emotional abuse, you will see.<p>Man, if my wife flashed someone it would make me smile and want to make love to such a hot and playful wife! OK, so you made a mistake. So what? Remember Jesus words to the woman who was caught in bed with another woman's husband? All the do-gooders wanted to stone her to death - a common practice back then. Jesus said that the one who has no sin should throw the first stone! Guess what, they all slipped away, and Jesus forgave her. So, you did something wrong, he did worse by making you feel like dirt and by condemning you.<p>Carrie, please get help before it gets worse. Lisa is so right, he will get worse and you will be so harmed within, as well as your son. If not for your sake, then for his, get help or get out.

Hello,
I just wanted to say do not let him get control of your LIFE!!! I have allways been dependent on my husband,letting him do everything, and i just stayed at home thinking ok this is what my husband wants so be it, i wanted to make my husband happy to. But u see the problem with that is when u let your husband try and control your every need, then he has u right where he wants u and then u begain to feel insecure scared lonely and feel like u can't do nothing for yourself. Belive me i a'm there right now, and a'm in a process of filing for divorce. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] I a'm soooo afride to do anything on my own and he knows this. that is why he wanted me to be dependent upon him, that way he could do anything he wanted for himself , and treat me like crap knowing i was to scared to do anything about it. Please PLEASE don't let him get this grip on u. if u would like to talk to me here is my e-mail address. mcjackson58@hotmail.com Cathy

Hi again,
I also wanted to tell u this has been happening to me now for 10yrs. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] I as well feel ugly, hurt, like it is my fault on everything , VERY INSECURE!!!! And very very LOW SELF ESTEEM. I have even gotton to the point of where i feel like all i wanted to do was die.!!!! He makes me feel like i am going crazy.
[img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] So as i said i TRULY understand where u are coming from. Please e-mail me if u want to talk. GOD BLESS

Hi Carrie,
I;m sorry about your weekend. So you messed up we all have. Don't beat yourself up over it. Cause I'm sure your H is doing a good job by himself. I am sitting here at work crying in pain for you. I feel every word he has said and says to you. I wish I could make it all go away for you. I want to reach out and give you a BIG hug and tell you that it is ok. {{{{}}}}} there is my hug to you!!! <p>I want to tell you a little storry and I'm sorry if it seems like I am just talking about myself. I just want you to see where you are going!!. <p>My H used to tell me that I wasn't a good wife. Said I was lucky to have him, that no other man would stay with someone as crazy as me. No matter what I did, said, didn't do or didn't say I heard about. I always had to say I was sorry. Sorry for everything. Sorry for living and making his life so hard and miserable. I got to the point that I wanted to die. I lied to everyone. Everyone thought we had a perfect marriage. I hid the bruise ,yes he USED to hit me, I hid the hurt. I protected him, but I didn't have a protector. I got so afraid of making him mad and making him hate me more that I shut my self away in my head. I started beating myself up YEs that is what I mean. Emotionally and physically. I started hearing voices in my head. They told me how pathetic I was, they told me they same as my husband always did. Your no good, why do you always screw up, why cant you make him happy, on and on all negative!! I hated myself more than my husband hated me. I stopped eating cause that took away the pain and that was one thing I had control over. Well it got to where it didn't take away the pain anymore. When we would fight I never ever got to say anything. I always talked and I listened. He would lecture me for hours and hours on why I was a screw up, worthless, why he shouldn't have married me and on and on till my head was spinning and I couldn't even understand what he was saying. Always holding in everything with no way to let it out. So I started cutting myself. Oh, finally relief. For awhile. <p>One morning I was getting ready for work and he started in on me about my attitude (I had even said anything to him) I couldn't take it that day. I didn't realize that my childen were sitting at the table. I walked into the kitchen crying and cocked my head to one side and banged it against the wall. I fell to the ground crying. My oldest son , he was 8 at the time, put his hand on my shoulder and said "Mommy why did you bang your head? I couldn't even look at him. I said "Mommy didn't mean to, I tripped." Shortly after my youngest started hitting himself. I said then "NO MORE" I will not have my children see me like this anymore. So I took control of myself and guess what, I am winning and I'm not scared and I like me!!<p>Carrie this will be the hardest thing you will have to do. But if you don't you will be where I was. And take my word you do not want to go there. It is the most scary, lonely, dark place you could imagine. But you have something I didn't have. You have a friend that you can say anything to without shame or judgement. You have me and I will never abandon you! here is my email. bigi1414@yahoo.com I want to talk to you so bad.. <p>With that I want to leave you with a PHRASE for the DAY! say this to yourself ( [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] There is nothing wrong with me, I am smart, I am special, I am worth loving and I am not alone!! {{{}}} big hug to you my dear friend!!<p>Your Special Friend forever I promise!!
Lisa

Carrie,
One more thing. Well two. Sorry for all the type o's I didn't proof read ( a little laugh?) Next. Take the beautiful child of yours and hug him. Let all your love flow into him and you in turn take in his. OUr children are our strength and happiness. He needs you too right now even if he doesn't show it. He isn't blind he knows what's going on and he can feel your pain. He loves you unconditionally..

Your Friend
Lisa (ohio)

Carrie,
Hi I hope you are doing well.

Carrie,<p>Hi, I hope you are ok. I haven't seen any posting since your last. After what I read and how upset he was with you over the events that happened I am deeply worried. Please post something so I know that you are ok. I also posted my email for you. <p>Your Friend,
Lisa

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by carriemariebesl:
<strong>I'm not sure where to start, we have been only married 6 months and are in trouble all ready. I'm a full time college student and work part-time at the school. He works full-time and we have a 8 year-old son, not his but he's willing to adopt him.
Well heres the problems, I also work at a bar one day a week from 8pm-3am and sometimes I pick up a friday night or saturday, at first he was fine with it for a while and now he hates me working there. I don't understand! he want's me to find a real job and not work that late, he also said that he's done all the changing and now I want to be a college kid again and party and hang out with just my friends. We just moved to a town away from all our family and friends and I hated it here till I started to meet new people,which I meet at the bar working. Now he hates everyone here and wants me to hate them all too.
He also say's that I don't show him enough affection when we go out, he want's me to hang on him and not talk to anyone but him.
He's changed so much since we got married. He told me last night that he's not happy with the way I am in this marriage, he want's me to be depents on him only and not be depent on my own. I know that a marriage is to work together but I'm so lost and not sure what to do. He has no trust in me and checks up on what I do all the time. He said that I should spend all my time with him and our son, not friens or doing school work. I'm just trying to better myself so we can have more money and be able to do more things as a family. Now we can't afford to go out to a movie or anythign. That's part of the reason I took the bar job and he thougt that was fine, till I started. I'm scarred that I'm not what a wife should be, should a be a "Judy Clever" and stay home like he wants me too? He also said that he wants a divorce if I don't change my ways and quit school and the bar. School has been a dream for a long time and I started going before I was married and he was fine with it. Why the change since we got married???
Please give me some help,</strong><hr></blockquote>

Hello, Lisa<p>Sorry I have not wrote back, things are just really crazy and today is the first time I could write to you. I know have your e-mail wrote down so when I get to class Thurday I will write back to you and tell you what is all going on.
Thank you so much for your friend ship. <p>Friends
Carrie

Carrie,<p>Do you think it's "normal" for a husband to want his wife to be nothing but a flunky who stays home and caters to his ego on demand? Apparently, HE thinks it's normal... Is there anything unusual in his family background perhaps? Sounds like there are some deep problems on his side that need to be resolved before he's ready to have a healthy ADULT relationship. Hang tough and face it now. It's not going to get better on its own. Take responsibility for your own welfare. That's all you can do and no one else can do it for you.

So I am not alone!
My husband and I have been married for six months on the eleventh. I am a fulltime college student and work partime at a bar/restaurant. My husband basically supports me and lets me know that he does all the time. He on the other hand, is an emotional wall. I cant cuddle at home or in public. I can't talk to him at night because he's too tired or to crabby. We have no sex life, not in the past two months at least. I feel like I can't do anything good. I feel sad and cry every day. I am miserable and the only thing that I can think of is that this marriage is a mistake.

Hello! Things are still really bad. Just when I think I'm doing okay, he starts in on me about things and that I'm not doing what he thinks that I should be doing. He told me last night that he's going to move out for awhile and see if he can then trust me and believe in me. Every thing I tell him he thinks it is a lie or I'm hiding things from him and I'm not hiding anything. I can't write much tonight

Hello, Things are still about the same, I just keep trying to make things better but it's not working if I say one thing he dosen't like then he say's just go ahead and do what ever you want because I'm going to do what I want. I really don't do anything, go to school and work and come home. Lately I've been feeling really run down and just really not my self. I told him last night I was going to take a job on second shift so we have more money and don't get to far in debt and he was all bent out of shape. Saying I just didn't want to be with him adn I would do anything to stay out of the house, that is so not true. I just want to make him happy and nothing I do is correct. I would like to thank all of you for writting me, it's helped a lot.<p>Cmr