OK, I need help and quick! A little background.......my H and I have been married for 7 years. We have twin daughters who were born 10 weeks early which resulted in one child with special needs who is severly disabled. (they are now 4). We have been through hell financially as you can imagine. As of right now, my H has a great job and we have been able to buy a home. I talked him into letting me stay at home with the kids about a year and a half ago but over the last 6 months he has backtracked and said it was never his decision ....that he just did it basically to shut me up. We don't have an extravagant life style and live paycheck to paycheck. So after 6 months or so of arguing i agreed to go back to work. (the plan always was to wait until kindergarten started). I have an as needed job for now because the demand for my field is very low right now. This job will turn into more and I have already had one possible offer for full time in the near future. The problem is this: this is not what i want for my kids but have agreed because i basically have no choice. It is either work full time so he can have more "things" (he said he wants more out of life than living paycheck to paycheck) or work full time and live on my own after a divorce. I am very resentful that he will get what he wants with no regard for my feelings or a compromise. And also, this is only the tip of the iceberg as far as arguements go in our household. I have found myself withdrawing from my responsibilites at home and feeling very bad about myself as a person. My question is : is it right to break up my children's family just to make myself feel better? It will be a struggle to make it on my own. If i do as he asks they will have a comfortable life and a nice home to live in. Is it selfish of me to just throw in the towel and move on by myself? I am sure I am not representing him fully in this post...he would have other opinions of our problems. I try to be fair but somehow just can't get past the fact that i feel he is selfish and immature about what a family really is. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks so much........Heather

Wow.. you have just hit on one of the top problems in marriage. Sex, money, and inlaws lol
I understand your resentment... but life is not about things... they only bring temporary happiness. Your children are only with you a short time and that time can not be replaced. They need parents. Perhaps you could just work part time and talk to him more about compromising with you. Let him know how important being with your children at this time is...at least until school starts. There are tooo many kids without partens. These days children with 2 parents in the unusual..not the norm. Very Sad indeed. Can you be happy on your own.. I cant answer that for you.. but marriage is suppose to be for better or worst... sickness and in health... Work to get past these differences... And ask yourself the question How much do I love my husband... are you both adding daily to the Love Bank or have there been way too many Love Busters going on... ??? [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]

Thank you for replying........there really is no compromise in this situation. He won't budge from his opinion and the longer I don't go to work full time the more I suffer from his negative attitudes and verbal tirades about it. I am just not sure what to do next. Heather

This is a shot in the dark. But I too have a son
that requires alot of extra time because of his disbilities. And my husband told me something the other day that hit home. He said to me that I was the world's greatest mother... always there for the kids. But he said that the marriage needs that time too. I think you can relate to this - I am the great mom,sounds like you are too, and I deal with everything around the house and it comsumes all my time and energy. I put those kids first everyday of my life. Last week, my H suggested that we go on a holiday by ourselves and I was disgusted that he thought about going away "not as a family"......but about one hour later, a light bulb went off. He needs me to himself; I need him to myself. The kids would be well looked after if we went, I would never leave them with a care giver who could not look after them. What I hear him saying to me is that the kids cannot run our lives. We need each other and we can have each other and not neglect the kids. I agree. Hope this helps. If not. let it go out the other ear.

Medical problems prohibited my W to continue work. A lot the medical expenses were out of pocket, as many of the doctors we went to were "out-of-network" so huge bills. I always paid the mortgage, utilities, and medical bills immediately - causing credit cards to be cancelled and winding up in credit h*ll. I too was frustrated living paycheck to paycheck where I was always two or three paychecks behind. We are in a house we love, didn't have car payments (read: no repossession), so was willing to pay unsecured debt (credit cards) to the best of my ability. We shut down our spending, lived on the basics, and after four years I feel our finances are beginning to recover. Our credit will take YEARS to repair, but my kids, and W, received the care necessary.<p>I have no advice on throwing in the towel, it is something only you can decide. It may require counselling for your marriage to head in the right direction, and each of you to understand the other's perspective on the problems and issues.

You're ddoing work prn. basis. Is it something you could be contracted for to do at home? Like transcription etc? Is there something (besides the avon, tupperware stuff) that you could do from home. Also, remind your husband how much day care for your children would cost - likely more than the income you would bring in. <p>Do you have some sort of budget for home expenses, medical, personal use etc? My H started saying "MY house, MY money" although I have worked a 40HR week for years! but only earn less than half of what he does. We do not have children and I still heard the old "working for nothing" speech. Now I think the D papers will be signed one of these months. I was desperate for reconsiliation, but he says & does nothing with or for me. <p>Does your husband have regular work hours? What about letting him take care of the house & children when he comes home so that you could leave for a job at that time (evening hours?). <p>I get the feeling there is more disharmony in your marriage than the income issue? You should not feel bad for wanting to be on your own. But I think you should have tried to talk it out with your husband and express your true feelings first before slapping him with papers out of the blue. Divorce should always be the LAST resort, after every other effort has been made. What about some financial/credit counseling or budgetary/savings recommendations. And wouldnt you working screw up filing taxes too!<p>Explore all your options and take it slow!

I've had problems kind of similar. I quite work for one year to say home with our infant. Although I thought my husband agreed with me, I found out years later he was totally surprised! That one year wreaked havoc with our relationship. No sex, no affection for me. He totally withdrew and I handled it by making demands and becoming critical. <p>My husband was totally stressed because he couldn't provide for us. And your husband may be too. You say he wants "things," but you also said that he's tired of living paycheck to paycheck. These are usually in opposition of each other. Acquiring things usually means living hand to mouth. Maybe he is worried about the future of your special needs child; maybe he wants to save money just in case. These are different from wanting more or better toys.<p>Try to find out what he's really after. Hopefully, it is something you value too. Then, you can be creative in working toward a common solution.<p>Now for some hardball type stuff. If your husband is tired of his responsibilities and wants you to get a job so he can leave his family... Do not go back to work full time. Or if you want to leave him, do not go back to work full time without consulting a lawyer. In many states, a stay-at-home wife and mother gets added respect. Also, you can make a case for special needs of your one daughter. Other items, do not move out of the house. And get accounts in your own name. First one to the bank wins.<p>But, the best thing is for you and your husband to be in love and work together so both get what you want.