I'm a runner, have been for 5 years. I run 1, maybe two races a month, I run 4 to 5 days a week but during the week I run in the morning when everyone is asleep and I run 1 day on the weekend with my girlfriend, sometimes there is a group that runs with us. I feel I'm keeping myself healthy, looking fit and stress free by running, however my husband see's it as a threat. He says I put it before him and at times he tells me it's him or running. Our marriage has been bad for a long time. The last 6 months I have been the one that mentally checked out of the marriage and I did the ultimate no-no and cheated on him. I do have regrets and am sorry for doing it and if I could take it back I would. I understand that there is an issue of trust with him for me now and me running makes it harder. I am willing to work hard for my marriage. I believe I can so him the attention he needs and keep my hobby as well. He doesn't think so, he said that if I loved him I would willingly give up running, but I feel if he loved me that he wouldn't ask me to give up something I enjoy. I've never done anything wrong while out running and I always tell him th route i'm running. Ok, enough rambling about this. Any advice on what to do?

Greeting;
I understand what you are going through. I have a hobby where I build static aircraft models. I just don't build them, I modify them and try to reproduce their cockpits in miniture from scratch. I have built several contest winning models and have even written a few articules. I used to go what my freind and I called hobby shop hopping. He went to look and I went to look for materials for a current project and I always try to be cost conscience as not to spend a whole lot of money doing it. Now one of the beefs my EX had was that I was doing a kids thing and to grow up yet she never understood the time and research it took to reproduce these things. She never had any kind of a hobby and so she never could understand. She basically told me the same thing as your husband does. My question is what does he do,woodworking or fixs cars,paints? If he does ask him if he would give up something that he enjoys. Besides what you do is healtier than say smoking for example. Hell if I could get the GF to go for walks with me it could go along ways is helping her with her weight problem and it would be an activity we could do. Maybe you could find something you both could indulge in that you both enjoy and maybe he would not feel so left out. My GF likes bingo and I enjoyed it when we went but money tight right now but I been seriously thinking of taking her so she can have some enjoyment. As for the threat aspect of this I can see it from his view point. Last night the GF's sister took her out to the bar to have a girls night out. I trust Sweetpea but I would be a lier if I said I didn't bother me cause it is a bar situation and I would hate like hell if someone stoled her from me but I put it aside cause I have to show her trust if we are to have a good marriage later.Besides her word has always been good and she has alway stuck by her commitment with me.Anyways I hope this helps abit and please be free to ask me questions and I'll see it I can help<p>231(from the great white north) [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

Marathonmom,<p>You probably have seen my response on the other thread. My take on this whole time issue is that it really isn't a time issue at all. This is a feelings and priority issue. It is my belief that the actual problem here is that the left out spouse feels neglected and unloved. Pointing at your running, for example, is an excuse. It is far easier for a man to say that your running is a problem than to say that he feels that you enjoy the running more than you like him. How would you respond to that? In comparison to the running, could he feel that his priority to you is lower? Is there any kind of trigger attached to your running? For example, you mentioned an affair. Was the affair partner someone you met while running?<p>What you want here is a win-win situation. How can you give him what is important to him and what he needs and still enjoy your running?<p>You mention in your post that you run while everyone is asleep, right? The question is that in order to do that, are there consequences popping up elsewhere? For example, if you are getting up at 4am to run, are you in bed asleep at 8pm?<p>What I would suggest is that you really examine your running as it impacts your life and his life. Try to see what it is that he is reacting to. Don't necessarily put emphasis on what he says, look for what he is feeling. At the same time, if he tells you something point blank, then you need to take those words at face value. I guess that in the end, what I am suggesting is that you really try to walk a couple of miles in his shoes. Examine you marriage from his point of view. If you can determine the things that are really negative to him, you can minimize those things.<p>I think that you should both be able to have what you want. I hope that this helps.

Thanks for the advice from both people who responded. One good thing is that my affair was not anyway involved with my running. It was not anyone who I met while running. He has hobbies that he does on and off but not as consistant as me with my running, but in order to keep the full benefits with running, racing as well as keeping fit, I need to keep it up and be consistant. Anyway, I'll heed the advice.
Thanks

does he run or would he willing to? I'm sure there is some kind of schedule upon which you could agree--each compromising a little to make a POJA. <p>I write and since I work days, it takes away time from my husband. Our agreement is that I will write only one hour at night (and sometimes it's a struggle to do that much!)and he doesn't complain if I go a bit longer-couple/three hours on the weekend days. If I'm really on fire and can't stop (like that's happened any time lately!), he understands as long as it isn't every day. <p>I understand about consistency and keeping fit but I also think sometimes it would please him to no end if you didn't run and stayed in the bed with him and 'burned up a little energy' on other activities. That would probably go a long way toward his liking the running more. Just a little attention makes spouses so much more agreeable.<p>PS-could you maybe run a mile a week for me? I really need the exercise! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ March 11, 2002: Message edited by: diddallas ]</p>

I have a similar problem with my W. I'm a bike racer. I've been putting in a lot of hours for a lot of years and, combined with the other problems in our relationship, it has compounded things. We both ended up pretty unhappy. I just came back from an MB weekend and was amazed how often the issue of fitness addicted spouses came up! And we have to admit to ourselves that that's what it IS, isn't it! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] True, it's healthy, but the time we put into them has made the activities themselves love busters for our spouses! It's really not even an issue of time. I have found that as we work on building a healthier relationship, my riding has become less of an issue. I am training and happy. The tradeoff was convincing my spouse that I was willing to do whatever was necessary to meet her needs and that riding really isn't more important than our marriage. Dr H advises strongly against individual activities that lead us to enjoy the best part of our day "alone", saying we should be enjoying the best part of our day with our spouse. You have to agree with the logic. One thing that has helped us is doing some rides together. Even though I don't count this as "training", it's nice for both of us to have my spouse be part of the activity. Don't know if your H is a runner, but probably not... Maybe you could meet for breakfast after a run or do things in conjunction with your races. It's a tough one.

My wife and I had hobbies and activities that were mutually exclusive to eachother. We worked to find something we could do together, neither of us that "into" it, but we spent time together, emphasizing time into the mutual hobby to regain a connection.<p>Let me tell you how I was like your husband:<p>My W is WAY into volunteering and doing projects for the kids, school, church. She would stay up very very late to complete, and I was frustrated that she did not place the same amount of energy into things I needed her help to accomplish, and was vocal about it. I now understand that it provides her with self fulfillment with her projects, and maybe I need to and could pitch in.

So, how's it going MarathonMom? Thought I'd share what I view as some recent success I've had dealing with your same problem. Following our MB weekend, W and I sat down and revised our weekly schedule to make sure we were spending enough time together. I ended up scheduling literally every waking hour of every day BUT, I managed to find the time for my training. After only a few weeks, things are already a lot better! <p>Yesterday morning I went out to train and agreed to be back by 12:00. My training partners tried to tempt me into staying out longer but I cut off and headed back, making it home before my deadline! My W and I then spent the rest of the afternoon together and then spent the evening with the kids. This morning I asked W when would be the best time for me to ride and she said that if I could get one thing done in the morning, she would "enthusiastically agree" to let me go train for another 3 hours this afternoon. Now that we are both getting what we want, it's a lot easier. I never would have thought we could come to an agreement on it so quickly. Anyway, good luck!