Does anyone have advice for a newlywed wife on how to get her husband to show more affection. I don't understand how he can be so cold to me. He doesn't see anything wrong, even when I am crying right in front of him. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

What are his passions- try to talk about them first - then move to your interests. oint out things from the paper. What things did you talk about before marrriage? Remember continuous conversation is not necessary. Sme of the best times can be sitting quietly with your spouse. I realize it can not be always silent. Good luck.

I dont have any suggestions but have been and am still in a marriage like that, shortly after we were married this started, the lack of communication and ignorance of my feelings, boy it sure does hurt to cry and have no one tell you things will be o.k., in my situation things seem to be getting worse and worse and the communication is slim to none at this point. I am sorry you are having to go through this, if you want to talk feel free to email me usthree@eudoramail.com

Your husband needs to know that you need affection as much as he needs sex and that if he can't give it to you, he's going to destroy your relationship and your love for him. He needs to understand that just because HE doesn't need affection, that doesn't mean YOU don't. This is a critical issue to resolve. If you're going to have a strong marriage, you both need to understand each other's needs. If you don't, the odds are you'll end up in the section of this board titled "Infidelity." It can happen to anyone and the only defense against it is a solid relationship. Many men, me included, have repressed their feelings since childhood. Men often view feelings as a sign of weakness. Not smart. The great thing is that if you loved each other once, you can learn to again - if you can figure out how to meet each other's needs. Maybe you need to reexamine whether you are meeting your H's needs as well? Could he be withdrawing from you? You might review the concept of Plan A on this board and see if you need to "love him up" before you can get him to really commit to cooperating on fixing this problem. Don't doubt though, that it HAS to be fixed. You're on a bad road and you need to get turned in the right direction before things get worse! Good Luck!

Get him to do the Questionnaires on this site. Probably too late for me. I'm listening to the tapes now. Taking the test may help you discuss things that are difficult to address in everyday discussion.
Good Luck. If you don't start now, you'll be lurking with us on Divorce/Divorcing.

I thought my W cried because she came from a very emotional family - they carried all emotions on their shoulders in the open. I was a hard-a** New Yorker that did not understand her tears.<p>No EN fulfillment on my part, created an environment for an EA by her with someone that created a fantasy world.<p>Some comments:
- get him to go with you to counselling (if ONLY I had done it) you may need to drag the bull by the horns, please consider dragging.
- have you visited with your doctor to see if you may be depressed? (please don't label me an ignorant, cold New Yorker)
- I would suggest telling him, when you are not crying, how he is not fulfilling your EN's. If you feel this way as a newly wed, I fear for down the road. Why I suggest when you are not crying - perhaps he tunes out - I did

losingmymind has a good point. A lot of men view crying women as out of control and don't want to deal with them. I tuned my wife out for a long time whenever she would cry. Unemotional men are particularly uncomfortable with crying. Also, when you're crying your probably "venting" not "communicating." Good point. His point of weakness, if he's a typical guy, is LOGIC. You've got to get him to realize that there's some data here that he is not aware of, namely, THE LOVE BANK and the EN requirements that go along with that.

I have had a lot of trouble sharing my feelings with my wife. I would not consider myself to be unemotional, simply unable to share my feelings with my wife. I have gotten logic confused with feelings a lot. I'd argue with my wife logically about feelings. Telling her things like, 'Of course you feel exausted and lifeless. We have three little kids.' I was really clueless. Lot's of builtup anger and resentment. I think my breakthrough was realizing that feelings are never right or wrong. They are simply feelings.
If that seems to be of any use, then here's a thread with more about it:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=3&t=000351<p>I think people differ greatly when it comes to processing emotions and it's sometimes a very hard thing to understand from the other point of view.<p>Peace.

There are at least 16 different personality types and they all have different strengths and weaknesses. Check out the book Type Talk. Some people are introverted (quiet) by nature. I was quiet at one time and thankfully grew out of it. At times, I can stlll be quiet. It took a lot of work for me to become extroverted (socially outgoing). Unfortunately, I began to talk more than I listened when I became more of an extrovert. Your husband may always be quiet, but more than likely with time the two of you will meet somewhere in the middle like my mother and stepfather did. My stepfather always has been quiet, but he talks more now than he used to. Everyone needs to become a better listener, because often women criticize the men in their lives for being poor listeners when in fact they are not doing a good job of listening either. Of course, more women are naturally gifted at language/listening and talking about feelings than men are. Most men deal with their feelings by doing something active instead of talking about them. Sometimes, I don't even know why I am feeling the way that I am feeling about something until I have had a chance to think about it for a few days. Sometimes, it hits me while I am jumping on a trampoline or driving. Sometimes I will get upset and after some more thought decide that it was not that important too.

Hello
I think I am going to change my Displayed name to "PLEASE READ THE GOD BLESSED BOOKS!!!" OR "BACK TO BASICS". Dr Harley has been fixing marriages for twenty someodd years now. I can not emphasise enough the importance of getting at least HNHN and Love Busters and reading them. And when you are through reading them, DO WHAT THE DR SAYS!!!!!
If you buy an appiance you can not expect to get much out of it if you dont read the dang intructions. Well I for one sure wish that my marriage lic.came with a copy of HNHN.
These boards are a good place to vent and get support, but please, if you realy want things to work out, dont forget the basics.
May God Bless and keep you all.
PS I sure wish I had a newlywed wife that needed some affection. Mine has more than doubled the weight I married her at and now says she needs no affection! Take a word from the wise and dont let any grass grow under your feet!