We have been married almost 6 years and have been friends for about 15 years My husband says it is to late to save our marriage. He does not know what he wants. I admit I did not meet his needs but i am ready to change

It's never too late. I suggest reading everything on this site...there's a wealth of knowledge to be gleaned here.<p>And I know not every marriage's problems are due to an affair, but is it possible here? That would be the first thing I would find out. Then perhaps marriage counseling.<p>Good luck. If you will post more details, others will be able to give you smarter answers than this one! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

There is a lot to be gained from counseling if you can convince him to go. Also, there are many wonderful and helpful books to read. Look over the advice of the many hurting people at this site whose experience can really help. <p>Is there any chance there's another person involved. My H really withdrew when he was having an affair with my former best friend. Wanted out, said he never loved me, etc. Well, we were separated for 9 mos, both went to counseling, he stopped all contact, and with lots of prayer we are still together. It's not easy but it was worth it. <p>Good luck and keep in touch

Your H probably doesn't realize that love CAN be rebuilt. I didn't. I thought once it was gone, that was it! I'd encourage him to look at some of Dr. H's stuff to see that the worst relationships can become happy ones if couples take the time to figure out how they really work. Look at Plan A in the meantime and try to get H to counselling. There are no good divorces and even if, God forbid, he already has his eye/heart on some other woman, it's not too late. The line that got me turned around was "isn't it worth spending some time and effort to really be sure you're doing the right thing?" Logic is tough for men to argue against.

My H says the same thing, he doesnt want to give me any false hope, because he wants out of the marriage, he says that he hasent been happy for some time, however he never talked with me about it. My H had an affair last month, this is so not him, he has always been the devoted father and husband, but about a year ago he started to change. His father passed away and from that point on he has been "gone" not himself. He refuses to get any help and thinks that leaving me will solve all him problems. He says that he does not think I love him, that I am just use to him. I just wish he could understand how very much I do love him and I am willing to forgive him and start over in our marriage. We have been married 11 years, together 12...
Every day is a different mood, never know if he will be happy, sad, depressed, or what. This is not fun. But I guess when you love someone there is always pain along the road.

Indiana,<p>Your H sounds exactly like my H!! I am the BS. We have been married 34 years and have known each other for 38 years. He had always been a "True Blue" guy. Now he is talking about wanting a divorce, but he doesn't want to face reality. He left and took all of the playthings with him (boat, canoe, etc.)<p>I do not want a divorce, I am willing to wait. but I am setting him free and working on my problems and the things from the marriage that caused us pain.<p>Somebody please tell me how you set them free but still hold onto hope that things will work out. Help me work out a plan. The OW was a friend and just wants to WIN. I have been told that if I am no longer competion, she will move on to someone else. Could this be true? She is filling his head with divorce info. She has been divorced twice. Loose morals etc.<p>Any advice would be helpful.<p>Thanks,<p>A & F
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Hi A&F
I also thought I was married to a "TRUE BLUE" guy....the best husband and father you could ever ask for. He's been in an A for six months now....he told me about it almost three months ago.
He's tried giving her up but wouldn't let me meet any of his EN....failed after 2 and a half weeks.
I asked him to move out which he did...to a hotel..that lasted 3 weeks. One of the weeks, he was with OW. I thought I should give Plan A more time so he has moved back into the house as my housemate and we live as virtual strangers. He was here less than a week before he went to her and is there now.(combination pleasure and work...it is a company headquarters affair). What a mess. I try to read everything I can,log on here,gather strength, but it's not easy. I have been smothering him with tears and pleas to no avail. I realize now that it is the wrong approach but it still so difficult when you love some one so much. We have been in counseling...first together than separately( he isn't interested in saving the marriage so no need to go with me) but at least he hasn't stopped getting some help for himself.
I don't know what to tell you except hang in there ..all I've read indicates that A's usually do not last...the question is can you last!
For the sake of my children and the love I've held in my heart for for this man for so long, I'm going to give it my best shot.
You have to let them go, to ever get them back.
Try to stay well, take care of yourself, be the best you can possibly be.
Wintergal

Well I guess I have had some hope brought to me this week, yesterday, my husband come in from work 3 hours late, he said he had been thinking and had to make up his mindd and not drag his feet. He then said, He loved me and was not ready to give up YET! but that he wanted to try and fall in love all over again, he didnt want to give me false hope, but he says he wants to try.
He says I am a fool, but I am his fool. He says he just wants me to forgive him. And be patient with him. There is one problem, his 16yr old daughter, we had been getting along well since she tried to kill herself, but as soon as she gets in trouble, all hell breaks lose. She always runs to her daddy, and he seems to side with her. I have raised this girl since she was 5 years old. And sometimes I just feel so hopeless. She told me tonight that her father told her he is leaving me.
I know that if I bring it up to my H he will only get mad and we will have a huge fight. I guess I am just at a point of pulling away from her and letting her come and on as she pleases, then her father will have to deal with the problems that come. I want to work on my marraige but I am very worried that she will try to cause us more problems so that her dad will leave me.
Boy am I confused!!
Some times I think I am just plan crazy for dealing with all of this SH**! But I know how very much I love my WS, I know that the kids wont always be here, and one day it will just be the two of us. I also know that teenagers SU** ! I have to more to get through the teenage years. But for some reason I think it will be easier becasue they are my kids, I have always been reminded that she is NOT my child and she can use that to her advantage.
Her relatioship with her mother is an on-off kind of thing. So I have always been there to pick up the piece and help her through it.
I am just praying she does not try and come between my WS and me.

I just read the posts and I am somewhat amazed at all of your tenacity in saving your marriages.<p>My wife and I were together 14 years,9 of them as man and wife. we were divorced last September. i did not want to get divorced my wife did. At the time I felt she was being a complete *****. I was numbed emotionally by the whole experience. however, I now realize that how she acted towards me was the result of how I treated her. I'm sure it still takes two to tango but I do believe that I am primarily responsible for ruining my relationship with her.<p>Actually I feel like a drunk who has finally sobered up and doing so I am now able to clearly see my role in the destruction of my marriage.<p>Anger, blame, stubborness are all attitudes which contribute to poor communication between H and W.
Too much pride and not enough sense.<p>Now, upon realizing the error of my ways, I am
deeply regreting my actions and would like to return to my wife and son. I recently mailed her a letter telling her that I am sorry for acting as I did. <p>Apparently, she is dating some other guy. What I realize is that I pushed away from me and into another man's arms. My marriage ruined, I'm kicked out of my family and i need to get back. I do not htink she will ever trust and love me again, but I have to try. Good luck to all, <p>Bob

Hi!<p>Don't give up!! Just thank God for the small baby steps of progress!!<p>My WS and I are into the no contact stage at this time. I am dealing with it with a lot of help from God and a lot of prayer!! My WS said that he wants a D. This is not what I want at all.<p> [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>WS is blaming me for things that happened 10 years ago!! He never said anything in all of that time. He thinks that he was unhappy for the last 10 years. <p>However, the truth is that we did have a lot of happy times!!! REAL PROBLEM is that he got angry and moved in with the OW. The affair started right under my nose and I was very naive!! (OW was a friend of mine. Twice divorced and chasing my H for months, begging for his help with little things she could not do herself!!)<p>Help me!! I need to know if anyone else has had WS living with OW and been able to have no contact and have it work out so that WS returns home on his own????<p>I know that God is in control and I am trying to let GOD work on my WS. PLEASE PRAY FOR US!!<p> [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Thanks,<p>A & F

Unfortunately, <p>I can relate to everything that you are saying. My wife and I almost never argued. I thought that we had worked through most of the issues that we had earlier in our marriage like for example us working different shifts. Everytime I would get on the same shift, she would get her hours modified, etc. We had considered adoption and starting our own woodworking business. Just four days after my birthday and being told what a wonderful husband I was, she told me that she did not know who she was anymore and was going out of town for 4 days and could not tell me where she was going. When she returned, she told me that we could not work through what was troubling her and that she was leaving. I begged her to stay and asked her to go to marital counseling with me. I had asked everyone that I knew to pray for our marriage and whatever would be best to happen. In any event, she would not communicate with me, and she moved in with a lesbian friend named Lenetta who had been having trouble with her girlfriend Tonya just 1 month before my birthday. In the months before she left, she was sending lesbian humor cards to my mom and made the statement that "She thought there were so many lesbians becaue only another woman knew how a woman felt." It was as though she was not even the same person. When she would get around her family, she would act strange when we got back home. In any event, we are now divorced. Part of me still wants her to come back, but all of my family has told me that they were betrayed too by her behavior and that I am better off without her. She had burned herself, threatened suicide, and made the comment that she wondered what it would be like to kill someone and watch them die. In any event, my family was scared of her after she told them about these comments and actions. Anyway, I think that I did all that I knew to do, and I hope that God above understands. If I die alone and never get married again, I believe that I will be happier than having to constantly wonder if my wife is going to quit on me and leave me. I have very few enemies, so this whole experience is new to me. I am 31 now and have a great job, and I thought that I had a great marriage. Any advice will be appreciated. My e-mail address is peugh@juno.com if you have any advice that you would like to keep private.