I'm new at this...I have read some of the info available on your site -- I'm a mixture of several of the topics:<p>I been married for 7 years (3rd marriage) my husband and I married after dating for six months; We both have been in a tug-a-war throughout the marriage; we attended a promise-keeper marriage seminar when we were 1st married and argued and left on the 2nd day; we attended our church hosted couples retreat in 2001 after which I accepted and was relocated by my company to Manchester, NH; my husband remained in CA; [this is the 2nd time I have been relocated by my company; I met my husband because I had been relocated from Houston, Tx to S.F., CA] the understanding was this was a temporary move for me to garner the experience I needed to secure the same type position with my company in CA. at which time I would return; living in NH btw 18months - 2 years; the discussion of me accepting the promotion and prior to my relocation we talked about having a bi-coastal marriage;and the demands/strain it would put on our relationship; prior to 09/11 my company provided free plane travel which allowed me to return to CA one extended week-end per month; since that time I am now only able to travel by commerical airline which limits my ability to travel home; I did return in Dec for an extended stay; however, upon my return to NH my husband informed me that he felt that we would eventually separate for good and that he was happy with the ways things are and that he saw no reason for us to continue our marriage; he has stated part of the reason for him feeling this way is because I left; which I advised him we talked about my leaving and he never stated that if I chose to accept the job that our marriage would dissolve; admittedly as I have said to my husband, I really was surprised that he felt that way, since we were so distance and I really didn't think that it would actually matter whether I was there or not, I really thought that probadly the distance would help us in trying to solve some personal and marital problems we were having regarding finances, intimacy, and faith (he has acknowledged his call to the ministry and is currently a minister in training); I want to believe the one person can save a marriage but i'm really struggling on how to combat the fact that my husband now says I'm happier and better off without you. This has been a real emotional rollercoaster.

Wow, he is a minister in training you say??? I wonder how he would councel a young married couple who are having difficualty with thier relationship if he can not even face his own? <p>It sounds as if he is saying that maybe he made a bad decision in marrying you and wants to back out of the covenant he made with you. If he goes through with that and becomes a minister anyway, I am not sure that I would want him to be my minister or my childs. It really sounds as if he is running away from real deep issues in his own life that he doesn't want to face that DO and WILL continue to affect his walk with the Lord, whether it manifests now or later. Sooner or later, this is a bound to catch up with him. <p>I feel for you. This must be real hard. I know you came to this board for help, but I guess that in doing so, I need to ask the question....in your heart of hearts, how do you feel about his present actions and decision? Have you prayed about it and asked God to help you see more clearly even admidst the rollercoaster ride of emotions??

Well, if I were a minister in training, how would I counsel a young married couple who were having difficulty with their relationship?<p>If I were following Harley's principles, one thing I'd advise them to do is to follow his Policy of Joint Agreement, which begins: "Never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse." I'm hearing on the one hand that your H had an "understanding" that this relocation was temporary, and that he "never stated" the marriage would dissolve if you went away. But that sounds lukewarm at best to me, if not actually negative. I'm not exactly hearing that the guy was gung-ho about the idea. It sounds as if he accepted it very reluctantly, and with reservations--especially since you already had, as you said, existing marital problems regarding finances, intimacy, and faith.<p>This is pretty serious. It suggests you have fundamental disagreements about the philosophy of life, and about lifestyle as well--whether you want to spend energy earning the money to be affluent, or on being a minister's wife, for instance. The fatal rift at that Promise Keepers' marriage seminar suggests you've also disagreed about your roles from the very beginning of the marriage. And the problem over "intimacy," whatever that means precisely, puts the cap on it all.<p>If I were following Harley's principles, I'd advise them to get these issues sorted out as soon as they could. I'd also pass on his good advice that couples need to spend time with one another to keep their marriage glued together. Extended separations are hazardous to the health of a marriage. Absence may make the heart grow fonder now and then, but "out of sight, out of mind" is the more general rule. More marriages break down in wartime due to long absences, for instance. You can't meet each other's emotional needs very well while apart, and his sexual needs are only the beginning of those. As far as other needs go I dare say it's riskier still when the wife is away from home, because even more of those needs are being shortchanged than when the husband is away from home.<p>I've done a bit of this extended business travel myself, though not for eighteen months at a crack, and I was getting a week back home every month or so. A long weekend a month isn't very much. And however reluctant that agreement may have been, unfortunately 9/11 wasn't part of it either. It sounds as if your company should have been held to their own agreement of a minimum amount of time at home with your H.<p>As hard as it may be to predict the outcome of a long separation, the problem is only compounded when the marriage is rocky to start with. If you truly felt you were so distanced that it wouldn't matter whether you were there or not, that was an enormous red flag and action on the issues was long overdue even then. Separation only "feels" better because it relieves you of the immediate pressure to resolve those issues. It does nothing at all to actually get them resolved. It's only putting that job off while an already weak marriage continues to rot away with the separation. Since then you've grown further apart, each pursuing your own divergent career directions. If your H couldn't get the time, the attention, and the will to get these problems straightened out, he's simply moved on with his life. As sorry as I am to hear about it, I'm afraid this was all too predictable.<p>It's up to you now. You'll have to try to determine first of all whether the marriage might be saved, and if so, then you may end up having to decide between your current job and your marriage, if you want it. I hope you've read through all the concepts, especially Plan A; you'll be needing that. Anyway I wish you more success with this marriage than you had with the previous two. Good luck!

thank you for your thoughts -- I have to admit you are quite on target -- there has been several tug-a-wars in this relationship and yes, a major one my H accepting the call to preach; I really truly never saw myself as a preachy wife with all that can entail...However, my 2nd husband had been dead for ten years before I had even began dating again (my current husband was that 1st date) and I married within six months of that; so I honestly did (or I thought so) went into this with my eyes open (that is knowing that it would be an uphill climb) we were going to have to build a marriage and really get to know one another at the same time -- yes, my H has said that he simply resigned himself to my move and felt that if he had said to me that it would cause add'l rifts he really didn't think I would care and would have left anyway, I don't think that is true, but it could be, honestly I am happy with the move (career advancement) but I cannot be blind to the add'l damage it has done to my marriage -- now, whether I would actually quit my job and return home to save my marriage, sounds like a great idea, but the reality of my H and my life is for me to then on top of everyting else quit my job; it not would only add insult to the injury...I am reading through the articles and steps and sent a link to my husband hoping that he will read and we can start a dialogue regarding some of the information -- I want to be open, I hope i'm open and can regain his trust or atleast his interest to work this through...

In fervert daily prayer -- because my emotions are so very mixed -- The move has been a great decision relating to my career goals but an absolute terror for trying to hold my marriage together and resolve the problems that we were already encountering before I left...my husband has told me as of last night that he is bringing the message at our church on Sunday and he will be able to tell me then whether he is willing to commit to us working towards resolving our problems or that he is filing for divorce (go figure) I'm still standing steadfast that if I show myself trustworthy and faithful he will regain some of his trust in me and give us the opportunity of beginning againn<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by frstrtd:
<strong>Wow, he is a minister in training you say??? I wonder how he would councel a young married couple who are having difficualty with thier relationship if he can not even face his own? <p>It sounds as if he is saying that maybe he made a bad decision in marrying you and wants to back out of the covenant he made with you. If he goes through with that and becomes a minister anyway, I am not sure that I would want him to be my minister or my childs. It really sounds as if he is running away from real deep issues in his own life that he doesn't want to face that DO and WILL continue to affect his walk with the Lord, whether it manifests now or later. Sooner or later, this is a bound to catch up with him. <p>I feel for you. This must be real hard. I know you came to this board for help, but I guess that in doing so, I need to ask the question....in your heart of hearts, how do you feel about his present actions and decision? Have you prayed about it and asked God to help you see more clearly even admidst the rollercoaster ride of emotions??</strong><hr></blockquote>

I'm very sorry about the loss of your second husband. It sounds as though the effect of that blow lasted a long time. Yes, it is a choice to be made carefully, between a job and a marriage, particularly if it might mean losing both anyway with a setback for future security. But it may not come down to that at all. I hope your H finds this site useful.