Just curious. My W keeps saying to me that she never wanted to be married in the first place. Even said this before we got married. But definitely saying this nowadays.<p>Is this unusual?

anyone?

Hi 2long,
My H has often said he wished he hadn't married me in the heat of a loud discussion. But not that he never wanted to be married in the first place. It sounds like your spouse is confused about her own feelings about marriage to begin with. Have you ever asked her why she even got married to begin with if she feels she is not the marrying type??<p>Apparantly she found you appealing enough to marry or she wouldn't have. Her feelings about marriage may stem from her own experiences with it in her own family or ?? <p>I wish I could be of more help, but I myself have always wanted to be married. There are times now, after 20 years of marriage that I often wonder and imagine what it would be like to be single, but the grass seems to always be greener on the other side they say....<p>God Bless,
frstrtd

hi....
I don't think its normal esp before marriage-in the typical marriage....to not want to be married. I would think prior to marriage you would be in that euphoric state of happiness where you want to be with that person forever...<p>I am sorry this is probably not helpful. I wish I could say something more positive.
I am sure there are ways to work on your marriage and make things improve.
And perhaps, this is a power play----like if you do not do what I want you to--this is what I say.
Good luck and God Bless you....
Maylin~

These answers are helpful, actually. I think that the comment before M can be attributed to a little "rewriting of history" on her part now because of a need to justify her recent A. But she was always pretty independent when I met her, which I actually found very attractive, and so I guess I remember it as "I don't want to be dependent on anyone." Which I interpreted as meaning that SHE was someone I wanted to share my life with because we could grow together and nuture each other. I don't think I ever wanted a W that would just keep the house neat, provide sex, and raise the kids. Not interesting. She IS interesting!

You know what 2long, you said some very interesting things. <p>That you were attracted to your W because of her independence is very real and very often we are attracted to traits in our mate which later we sometimes become irritated by. And that you are not interested in someone who wants to be dependent on you is very real and wonderful. I mistook marriage for dependency on my husband for a long time. Now I see that a good marriage depends on the ability both parties have to SHARE themselves with the other, not to depend on one another. It doesn't sound like your wife is having any problems being 'independent' but she may be having a problem learning how to SHARE her life with you as your spouse.<p>I believe you said that your W has had an affair and that she may now be trying to justify it with her independent attitude. But she had this attitude before you met. Could it be the other way around.....that she is a very independent (and somewhat selfish) person and therefore, she had an affair?? I am sorry to be so blunt, but there can be a lot of truth in that statement that needs to be seen.<p>That you are still with her since the A and that you want to work things out is a positive step on your part. Now, you need to find out if your W wants to do the same. Does your W really want to take responsibility for her part in this marriage and change enough so another A doesn't occur and so that you KNOW FOR SURE she wants to be married to you and not keep saying and doing things which injure you or the relationship? Maybe this is something you need to clarify with her.<p>God Bless,
frstrtd

frstrtd:<p>You offer some interesting perspectives on my situation. I have to run off to work now, so I can't reply to them just yet. Will cogitate and get back to this later, maybe over the weekend.<p>Thanks,

I dont know how unusual it is but that is what my wife is saying. In her case, she was vulanerable, young ect. but has spent 23+ years with me and the first time that she left came running when another woman came home with me.Who knows?, you can play junior phsychologist if you want, but I would recomend dedicating a long weekend to you her and Dr. Harleys books and worksheets.

frstrtd:
"That you are still with her since the A and that you want to work things out is a positive step on your part. Now, you need to find out if your W wants to do the same. Does your W really want to take responsibility for her part in this marriage and change enough so another A doesn't occur and so that you KNOW FOR SURE she wants to be married to you and not keep saying and doing things which injure you or the relationship? Maybe this is something you need to clarify with her."<p>I think my W does want to work on our M. She says so, at least. Problem is her definition of M and what her boundaries are. We haven't discussed what our boundaries are yet, other than to have a couple of arguments that either wind up focusing too much on my annoyance at continued (but very sparse) contact with OM (due to him working for her), or wind up with her focusing on how I pressured her into having a physical relationship with her (27 years ago!) when she "wasn't ready." As for saying things that are hurtful, she does this pretty often, but at least these days is recognizing more that it does bother me. That, and I'm telling her more about it when she does it. <p>One thing that happened when we were talking about what we'd miss if the other left (I brought up a thread by that subject on this forum), was that she said she's been worried lately that one of the times she comes home from the field, I might be packed up and gone. First time she ever really expressed that concern, and so maybe she's getting a taste of what I've been feeling the past 2.5 months. But only a taste.<p>ds7...: "I dont know how unusual it is but that is what my wife is saying. In her case, she was vulanerable, young ect. but has spent 23+ years with me and the first time that she left came running when another woman came home with me.Who knows?, you can play junior phsychologist if you want, but I would recomend dedicating a long weekend to you her and Dr. Harleys books and worksheets. "<p>I don't know what my W would do if I were to really take an interest in another woman. She's said for years that I "should find someone better." My "problem" is that I won't do anything like that while we're married. I respect her far more than she's respected me in that regard. And I respect marriage. As for getting her to read Harley's books: I can't. I've tried in the past to read sections, and she simply thinks they're "simplistic and stupid." Until I can get her to take counseling seriously (we've been twice to our MC, first for intro, then second W yelled at her for my reaction to a contact email to OM) I'm forced to work with her "one day at a time" approach, which to me seems like going back to the way things were before D-day and hoping for the best to just happen. It'll work within my plan A for a while, but not forever. Hopefully, future C meetings will be more productive.