Where to start...<p>My wife and I have been married almost 13 years and known each other for almost 16 years. I now realize that for the past 2-3 years we have been growing apart. She had an affair beginning in July 01 (with someone she was seeing when we met in 1986) She arranged to meet him at Mardi Gras this year and then moved out in March after revealing everything. She admitted the incident in July within a week but kept the rest "hidden" until the day before she moved out.<p>We are going to consoling now one day a week but she only want to remain friends (for our children's sake - we have 7 yr old twins, a boy and a girl). I want to reconcile our marriage. <p>Lately she has claimed that because I have told a lot of people about our situation (she had an affair, she moved out, she wants a divorce) that it is impossible for us to reconcile. Besides that, she is very angry that I've told people this. I know it did it because I was angry and hurt but feel bad now because I did it (and that it probably has killed any chance to reconcile) The situation was usually someone saying they heard a rumor or they asked about me and "my lovely wife" I felt that I should put the rumors to rest and basically state the truth.<p>I still love her and want to be with her....Last week I sent her three roses (at work) because she was going to have a long day at work and I wanted to show her I still cared. I also part her a little gift for Easter (from me and the kids). The gift was some bath oils from Bath & Body Works. Finally on Monday, I wrote her a card and explained that I wanted to try to again meet her emotional needs and that I wanted to compete for her affection. (You had my affection for ten years and I'm not sure what you mean by competing for them anyway...)<p>She just about lost it because she feels that I am pressuring her with this "new found attention". She claims it is out of character (I've bought her flowers and jewelry in past but unfortunately not lately) and is troubled by the outpouring of emotions I am displaying now (where was all this when we were married?). She still cares for me and is now hesistant to tell me how angry she is because of the emtional state I'm in (I think she is being mean here). I've also examined myself and begun to make major changes in my life and outlook (things that she had told me about when we were together); I've rediscovered my relationship with God and am trying to be more positive amoung other things.<p>She has been telling me constantly that she has no feelings for my any more and that she doesn't know how to get them again. She wants a divorce. She says she loves this other person yet in the same breath says she can't be with him because of his lifestyle. In addition, he can't tell her he loves her nor will he acknowledge their relationship (He told her he was going to keep lying about seeing her and was going to deny seeing her).<p>I'm taking anti-depression medication (and have had the dosage up yesterday to 40 mg of Paxil).<p>I guess my main problem is that in my heart I still love her and I don't think she is entirely convinced to divorce me (no one has filed yet but we are separated). I want to try to work it out but she doesn't want to try. I've told her to let me do the trying....<p>Bottom line is that I can't or won't accept the fact that she wants a divorce.<p>What do I need to do? Do I try to move on or should I try to wait it out.
Both our families want us to stay together and I have be encouraged by my mother-in law and my sister-in- law to have patience and let her really think it through and not have her just rely on her current feelings.<p>Thanks for listening

Frank,<p>Welcome to MarriageBuilders. I'm sorry you're here.<p>Is the affair over? Does she still have contact with the other man?<p>There is some excellent posts on the difference between love and in-love. I found these helped me understand my wifes lack of feelings for me. I'm assuming that you have read most of the site and have a good understanding where the both of you are?<p>I'm making some broad assumptions, but if you didn't meet her emotional needs for sometime, she was bound to fall out of love with you. Then if someone comes along and meets those needs, an affair can happen. The only way to fill her love bank is to use the Plan A approach. Her telling you that you have been acting out of character tells me that you have made changes in your behavior to try and meet her needs. That's good, but for the last couple of years (or so) you haven't been, so it's going to be hard for her to trust that they are here to stay.<p>Keep doing what you are doing, your moving in the right direction. It's going to take time.<p>Good luck.

I believe the affair is over. OM lives in another state about 5 hour drive away but OM occasionally comes back to our state on business and OM has family in the area. W spent a long weekend with OM after W moved out and came to the following realization (the veil has dropped from W eyes about OM) W said that she still loves OM but can't be with OM because of his lifestyle (heavy drinker and drug user). OM is also a poor parent to his 12 yr S (W said OM parents by phone.)<p>W has been out of the house for about 4 weeks and I guess I have been rushing things. We have gone to a MC twice now (I went the first time alone). It seems to be doing some good but again W says she is doing it so we can remain friends for the benifit of the kids but W has no desire to reconcile.<p>I realize now that I must accept the MC for now. I must give W time and space to make her own decision -- without any (real or not) pressure or influence from me. <p>Again I have come to hard conclusion that I must set her free if she will ever come back. I don't plan on cutting her off but I must try to live like she is gone but occasionally let her know that I love her still.<p>Also, W says she cares about me but doesn't love me anymore and is too tired to try. I've told her to let me try but I realize that again I've been to "pushy" instead of trying some baby steps. The situation didn't develope over night and I need to realize that things (if ever) won't get better over night...it will take time, patience and the Lord to straighten it all out.<p>Thanks for the support and insight.

I would suggest you post in the Emotional Needs forum as well. There are alot of people there that deal with filling love banks and meeting needs in there.<p>The support of strangers is strangely comforting.

Boy do we have some things in common! My W has been gone since the first of the year, and yes I was "being pushy" and all the rest. But I read Dr Harleys book His Needs Her Needs (that is how I found thid web site). Then I understood everything that had happened! Wow, he makes it so simple. So I backed off a little bit, told her that I understood and that I knew for a fact that things could be better than ever if she would give me a little time. So I quit drinking, and started one by one addressing every single problem with me she had with me. I have collected guns and gadjets that I thought were interesting and neglected the house for too long and the place is a mess. I have a lot to do but I am working hard and the more she sees that I am serious and willing to do whatever it takes to make her happy the more she is willing to talk . The other day she gave me a long list of things that she wanted to see before she would come back and I was very happy to get it because she was at least considering reconsiliation), but just yesturday she backed off of that and reduced the long list of expensive repairs to just hauling off the junk and trash from the yard! You probly are not a pack rat but the thing that I am saying to you is Order His Needs Her Needs and Love Busters either on this site or amazon.com, then get busy reading the "basics" on this site and all the other materiel next. One last thing, the hardest step, but a very neccesary step, in my case was to stop pressuring for sex. It has dang near drove me crazy, but it was neccessary for her to feel comfortable enough to get where we are today. If your W comes to you, fine, but be sensitive to what she wants and needs. I found that the starting point that made her take a second look was when I was talking with her and "TOOK NOTES ON WHAT SHE WANTED ME TO DO". And when I started refering to that list and filling it, that is when the healing started.
So what are you waiting for man? If you realy love that woman then you want to make here happy right? So get busy reading and fulfilling her needs!
May God bless and keep you both.

I have read His Needs, Her Needs but not Love Busters. <p>W will have the kids this weekend and she invited me over for pizza tonite so I'll see how it goes but I'm not going to get too up because I don't want to get shot down (again) -- but I AM hopeful.<p>I'm sure she wants to talk but it's strange since I've opened new savings & checking accts for myself and have submitted the paperwork to have my paychecks direct deposited into my new acct. I've also put our house up for sale (per her wishes -- I've been wanting to move out of our house for a couple of years now and I don't want to remain in it if we do get divorced).<p>It's just crazy -- we are spliting everything up but still interacting (I guess it's for the children) but again I will have to play it by ear when I see her tonite<p>I'm just praying for strenght, patience, and wisdom (for myself) and clarity of vision for her.

It seems od to be splitting things up but when I helped my wife move out and had to put up her light deposite and everything it seemed like this opened up a door that let hope in. There are some things that she wants that I dont, and whether or not I wound up doing them I told her very gently that I did not agree but that I would consider doing them for her. So how did the pizza go?

The pizza went well Friday nite. I brought the twins by and we had pizza and I just asked about her day -- nothing heavy and we didn't go into anything else. I fell asleep in the chair and she fell asleep on the couch with our daughter. <p>Saturday was very strange. It started fine when we went to our son's soccer game. When I met her for our daughter's game in the afternoon, she was angry about something. When I asked her about it, she told me she was very angry that I had told some of our friends that she had an affair and people were giving her the cold shoulder -- besides because I told soo many people that it was impossible for her to reconcile. I raised the bulls**t flag and told her 1) she couldn't blame me for how others judge this or their feelings on the situation and 2) that yeah I told people but several people already knew about it or had heard rumors which I put to rest (no rumor people, she had an affair, she moved out, she wants a divorce).<p>Sunday she was very distant and we didn't see or talk much (which was okay by me)<p>Monday she came over (unexpectedly) after taking the kids to school. She looked frazzled and said she wasn't going to the consuling session because she needs sometime for herself. So I went this morning and had a good session.<p>I believe that right now she feels caught between a rock and a hard place. She's not happy where she is living right now (but it was convient to move in with her girl friend) plus I think the guilt is REALLY bothering her. She is just grasping for straws to stay angry with me and to also justify what she did (my opinion).<p>As for myself, I went to mass yesterday and the gospel reading spoke to me. It was a reading from the Acts of the Apostles and Jesus told the (three times in the reading) "Peace be with you." Well, I took that to heart and the turmoil in my being went away and I had a good rest of the day. I slept good (7 hours!) for the first time in a month (at least) and I still have this peaceful feeling. Plus, I wasn't bothered nor upset when I saw her today (actually I kinda laughed because she was so frazzled) and I am moving on. If she wants to come back, then I will deal with that issue if/when it comes up. As for me, again, I am moving on. I'm resigned to the fact she wants a divorce and I must prepare for it but neither of us has filed for divorce and I still hope that it doesn't come to it but again I can only control myself and I can't prevent her from filing.<p>Take care, God bless and pray for us.

Boy, your wife and my husband must have been twins in a previous life!! He still yells at me that I "told everyone" he had an affair (then says to me he didn't etc). I told him the behaviour of himself & OW is how everyone knew, they're not blind. I was referring to everyone we used to work with!!! I was told to stay away from his office, but him & OW would be in his office with door closed very often EVERY DAY!! His coworkers could not catch him alone!! They then started calling OW his "girlfriend" jokingly. He got furious with them All this before I had much clue what was happening. <p>Anyway, don't let her blame you. Its a total cop out. Like my H, the guilt & more so the embarrasement of everyone knowing SHE is at 'fault' for the hardships you are having. She is on the rollercoaster ride, don't let her drag you down with her. Ive been at the bottom & its horrible. As you can see from my sign on name, I still havent let go.<p>OW was 'friends' with us. We went to gym together. I went on Sat. My H & her were meeting EVERY MORNING!! Went on trips for work but to same town & hotel on same nights!! Email, phone calls, lies etc. God it hurts. He filed in Nov, dismissed by March. We dont have kids. At home, but says hes moving "eventually". I dont know what that means. He is still sitting on the fence emotionally I guess.<p>You said it best yourself about leaving well enough alone & being the best you can be for your kids. She doesnt live with you now? Quit focusing on her. Show her that you could live without her if you had to (but try not to be angry or lovebust). Why dont you keep contact to a minimum. Dont chase her anymore, dont call her unless its about kids etc. Take care of yourself. You cannot make your wife change. She has to choose that for herself. Sometimes changes in one person help bring about changes in the other. So keep those baby steps in mind. Get tough though. No more gifts (though I wish I got gifts from my H). The advise here has often been to stop being needy or pleading or crying & show them you can get on with it without them if you have to. Be a great guy & a great dad & a good friend & put 'husband' on hold for now. Have some fun with your kids.<p>I think your wife is still very attatched to the OM. Even if he lives away, theres always the darned cordless phone & email accounts. Give her space. She needs to have some deep refelctive thoughts & decide what she wants to do. <p>PS. If she mentions OM again, tell her you dont want your twins having any exposure to this man whatsover, in person, phone or from mom talking about him. It sound like he would be an awful role model for them to be around.<p>Best of luck. Hang in there. Do activities with your (male) friends, extended family, and kids. Take up good hobbies. And if she brings up the "you told everybody" speech say you needed someone to confide in before your marriage counselor & did not tell the whole world like she thinks. you can refer to it as "troubles" or "difficulties" & leave it at that. No more info.<p>Stay away from sad women with an understanding ear. You might notice, but they could feel like they're starting something with you if you confide in them. Dont! Talk to the MC. Maybe you could arrange for MC to see each of you for an individual session in betwee somewhere. You would both feel freer to talk & MC could be mediatior. Maybe your wife would tell MC a different story then. <p>Scan the headings in Emotional Needs and Divorcing/Divorced sometime. Alot of it overlaps in subject matter!<p>All the best. Stay cool!

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Thanks for the kind words and heartfelt advice.<p>I too still can't let go but the best advice I've gotten (just like you say) is to buck up and show her I can get along fine without her and to be the best dad I can be for my kids. I am also doing (or rediscovering) the things that bring me joy and happiness.<p>All I can do is control myself and my actions and generate happiness from within. I can't control my wife and must let her go. She can make her own decisions and if she wants to come back, it must be her decision made freely and without any pressure from me, our friends or family.<p>Again, it is one day at a time and each day seems to be easier and better than the last but it is painful. Hopefully, as each day passes, I will become stronger and wiser. Plus, I KNOW that the price I've paid has been great but it is not without its reward.<p>Finally, this has been a time of great introspection and I've begun the journey of making meaningful changes in my life and being.<p>Thanks again and hope to hear from you soon