Two years before I migrated to one of the developed country with my wife and two small kids. I was very confident to get job in my field as I was granted skilled category visa. I had money to survive only for three months. However contrary to my expectation, I did not get job in my field. Every one asked me whether I have local experience & turned down my application. There are no relatives or friends in the country we migrated. We were not eligible for any social security benefits until we stay for two years. So after three I run out of money. I was under too much stressful condition. For survival, I tried all type of casual job. I could not get even casual job, because I could not give local referee in my application. I contacted various banks for loans but all of them refused. Under the circumstances we were totally helpless & did not know what to do. My wife approached one lady who became her friend when she met her in supermarket some time back. The lady invited my wife to her house for discussion. When my wife met her, she told my wife that she is an employment agent for sex industry. She told my wife to undress. She saw her totally nude. Then she invited manager who was young male to assess her beauty and features. Then one doctor came. He took her blood & took some other tests as well. After that she was called after two days, at her house again. This time, she told my wife, “ You are very beautiful lady with great assets, curved sexy contour, tight womanhood and good boobs and more importantly no disease. We can absorb you as a strip tease artist.(Full nude dancer in night club & rave parties) We will pay you good money as beautiful women are in great demand.
Till that time, my wife did not tell me what is going on. After she was offered a job, she very hesitantly told me about this. At first I was shocked & instantly refused the idea. But after day or two we had to keep fasting, as we did not have any thing to eat. We however emotionally broke down for our kids, as we could not keep them hungry any more. So I told my wife to accept the job that she was offered.
My wife then joined night club for nude dance performance. Though my wife had to accept this job out of compulsion, she did her job whole-heartedly after she got rid of initial shyness and inhibitions. She gave her 100 % to please her customer. Thus her beauty and attitude attracted many clients. She earned good money. I took admission in university to do one-year course to retrain myself. Meanwhile she bore all uni. Expenses & house hold expenses. When I finished uni. Course, I got job. At the same time, we started getting social security benefits. My wife had worked for long hours & especially during weekend nights, she had to literally work full night and that to with crazy groups.
Any way, when we became comfortable, I told her to quit the job. To my surprise, she became too much upset & she told me that she did not want to quit the profession. She however was not ready to answer my question as to why she wants to continue. After too much insistence she broke down & told me she has developed strong liking in her job & she can't leave this job as she has signed long term contract with night club manager. I was shocked because, I always believed that no woman would enjoy nude dancing by choice. I did not insist but approached night club manager to discuss about the contract.He produced their contract to me which was truly long term contract. It was fresh contract recently signed for 5 years terms. Previous contract was for three years.But i was shocked to find her job description. She was no more nude dancer but was employed as a call girl.I took photocopy of contract & showed to my wife. She admitted that after 2-3 months of nude dancing she was attracted in this line because of her other colleagues switched to this. She is now addicted to the sexual encounters with men to such an extent that she is not ready to leave her job.When i took her to therapist for consultation, he detected that there is some thing seriously wrong with her body chemistry as secretion of testasteron ( sexual hormone)is ten times more than normal female hence she has uncontrollable sexual urge which she can't control & hence she is nymphomaniac. She is being treated but so far there is no effect. She is still continuing as a call girl job. I am sympathetic to her situation & so far i have not over reacted as i consider her as pationt rather than infidel & immoral wife.However, I don’t know how to persuade her to quit prostitution and secondly how to solve her hyper sexual need which doctor said to me that my increased frequency of sexual encounter will not solve problem. Doctor told me clearly that even if she quit her profession, she still will gratify her sexual urge & need through extra marrital relationship & he advised me to think if she is still worth keeping. Well,except this problem, my wife is great woman at heart. She has made many sacrifices in the past for me. Hence during her downfall i can't let her down especially when her problem is biological in nature. I am not too much hurt because she does not love any man other than me.I love her & don't want to desert her at a time when she perhaps needs me most.
Could you advise me what I should do ?
<p>
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Responses:<p>Re: My wife is sexually addicted Shekhar 4/4/2002,

Mr. India,<p>Welcome to MB-though I'm sorry of the circumstances that brought you here. <p>I think you must not be living in the US, because prostitution is illegal here and a 'contract' as a call girl could not be legally binding. I would find out what the laws were where you are.<p>Many women DO enjoy the attention that they receive when they dance nude or show their bodies. All people crave to be noticed and admired. It's one of the needs in Mazlow's Hierarchy. <p>Another problem, as I see it, is that you approved of this 'profession' while it served your purposes. Now that you no longer need her to support you, it has suddenly become taboo...
We have a saying "how are you going to keep them down on the farm after they've seen the city?" Meaning, once someone is turned on to a certain way of life, it may be impossible for them to revert to their previous lifestyle.<p>If your wife has a physiological problem, that should be addressed. If it is psychological in nature, then you will have to define a lifestyle that you can live with. My husband has a friend whose 'wife' is also a nude dancer---and she also is bisexual. He allows her to have girlfriends but no other men. I guess it's all gonna boil down to what you can tolerate.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by diddallas:
<strong>Mr. India,<p>Welcome to MB-though I'm sorry of the circumstances that brought you here. <p>I think you must not be living in the US, because prostitution is illegal here and a 'contract' as a call girl could not be legally binding. I would find out what the laws were where you are.<p>Many women DO enjoy the attention that they receive when they dance nude or show their bodies. All people crave to be noticed and admired. It's one of the needs in Mazlow's Hierarchy. <p>Another problem, as I see it, is that you approved of this 'profession' while it served your purposes. Now that you no longer need her to support you, it has suddenly become taboo...
We have a saying "how are you going to keep them down on the farm after they've seen the city?" Meaning, once someone is turned on to a certain way of life, it may be impossible for them to revert to their previous lifestyle.<p>If your wife has a physiological problem, that should be addressed. If it is psychological in nature, then you will have to define a lifestyle that you can live with. My husband has a friend whose 'wife' is also a nude dancer---and she also is bisexual. He allows her to have girlfriends but no other men. I guess it's all gonna boil down to what you can tolerate.</strong><hr></blockquote>

Hi there
Thanks for your prompt reply. I am very much relaxed & more importantly impressed by your analytical ability, conventional wisdom & knowledge about human psycology.You have rightly pointed out that, initially I accepted her profession to serve my purpose. When i no longer need her support, i am telling her to revert back which is almost impossible now. It is not taboo for me now.I thought she would be more than happy to quit this job. Secondly i thought that long term effects of her profession may not be good. Any way since i now know why she wants to continue owing to her physiological & psycological needs i agree with you that i need to address those issues. I was in dilemma whether i should allow her to work as a call girl, because initially i allowed her as nude dancer & not as a call girl. She did not take me into confidance when she entered in to this.She has definitely overstepped on this.This definitely made me upset. However, owing to her physiological problem ( uncontrolled very strong sexual impulses)which i discovered now, i reviewed the situation & felt that I need to allow her to continue till i come across with some practical solution to this. Meanwhile i posted my problem on other discussion forum. I received many replies. One reply seems to be worth considering. She proposed that it is better alternative for my wife to join broadminded club
rather than continue as call girl because her primary interest is sexual encounter with men & not money. she is doing for her sexual needs. I was still confused but your last million dollar statement made my mind crystal clear.I understood your apt massage that bottomline is, how much i can tolerate.Indirectly you said that if my wife gratify her sexual needs by extramarrital relationship with men & if it is acceptable to me than go ahead & address her problem.However i need your opinion whether joining her bm club is advisable or just let her do what she wants to do.
Looking forward to ur reply
Mr. India

Hi there
I think Australia is the only country where Prostitution is legal. I have copied & pasted for your information pl.
Australian Prostitution Legal With Mostly Reasonable Restrictions<p>Prostitution itself is not illegal in Australia. However: Street prostitution is illegal in New South Wales and Queensland (though not for the client) and allowed in Victoria if it doesn't happen near schools, churches or hospitals. New South Wales and Victoria allow licensed brothels.<p>Queensland (QLD) prostitutes (male or female) have been allowed to work out of a residential or commercial property provided that no more than one person is working from each location for several years now, this includes outcall services. Recent changes brought in by the Beattie Labor Government mean that "Boutique Brothels", no more than 5 staff at a time and only 20 staff all up, are legal - they have to be licensed and be in commercial areas away from schools, churches and hospitals and city or shire councils can oppose a license being issued. The single person operations remain legal. The police does not conduct sting operations.<p>The massage parlours in NSW usually require regular health checks from their employees, as do the licensed brothels in Victoria. Working conditions in these brothels seem to be rather poor: the women are bound by a large set of house rules, cannot reject clients and are required to sign a contract waiving their civil rights and entitlement to health and safety protection.<p>Western Australia's street prostitution laws are to undergo a dramatic change for the first time in more than 100 years. The Government has approved harsh new penalties to crack down on the public face of the sex trade. A bill proposed in November 1999, is designed to deal with street prostitution only. Police Minister Kevin Prince says penalties for kerb crawling, a maximum of two years jail, will be double those for street soliciting."If you can actually control the demand, i.e. the kerb crawler, obviously you're going to limit the supply," he said. And police will be given new powers to make it easier to gain evidence. Officers will also have the power to move on anyone suspected of operating as a streetwalker. Labor says it will support the legislation in both Houses of Parliament.<p>I understand Queensland in December 1999 authorized brothels to help the street problem.
From news article 12/99:
Boutique brothels will soon be legal in Queensland after Parliament today passed controversial new prostitution laws. All Government MPs backed the Prostitution Bill, even though one had publicly expressed reservations about it. Government backbenchers described the move to legalise small licenced brothels as a "necessary evil". But they voted to pass the bill. <p>To which someone replied: This bill was passed and the full parliamentary caucus did support it, the general belief within the ALP is that this bill is for the protection of the sex workers, there is greater security in numbers and the bill allows for the employment of professional security gaurds. Personally I have not heard any disent over it. <p>=============
Tasmania is also jumping on the law reform wagon, with mandatory registration of sex workers and compulsory testing for STDs.<p>NSW has certain sections of the street legalized for street work, and brothels are legal provided they comply with town planning.'<p>Victoria has had a partially decriminalized system for 10 years! Many brothels are legal in Vic, although street work is not.<p>NT has decriminalized escorts only, but is examining the prospect of legalized brothels later in the year.<p>ACT has a decriminalized system that is the best in the world.<p>South Australia
Governed by Summary Offences Act 1953 and Criminal Law Consolidation Act 1935 which seems very similar to Canadian and European laws again restricting street prostitution and brothels but private individual prostitution totally legal and no offense for a customer only the provider if restrictions are broken. South Australia recently passed the "Prostitution Regulation Bill", which was the best of four bills presented to the parliament last year (ranging from increased penalities right through to negative licensing). This will be the first time South Australians can legally visit a brothel.<p>Western Australia
Relevant Legislation Police Act 1892 Criminal Code similar to South Australia but a one person brothel is legal (incall) and Agency prostitution is legal. <p>In summary prostitution IS LEGAL in all of Australia but there are restrictions, most of which I totally support, on street work, pimping (living of avails), and brothels. But my main focus is on the right of the individual women to choose private sex work as a legitimate, legal occupation, which is legal in Australia and most all the world, except the U.S.<p>Advertising also seems to follow the Canadian and European model. As long as not done on the streets, ads in newspapers, magazines, web sites are totally legal and are usually legitimate unlike the situation in the U.S. full of scams and rip offs, not to mention very high prices, due to the unique legal status of sexwork in the U.S.
=======
SYDNEY, Sept 23,2000 (Reuters) - As Olympic fever grips Sydney, the queues are building up everywhere from trains to stadiums. It now even takes two hours to be served in a brothel.<p>Keeping up with the Olympic pace is hard work for the girls at the legalised brothels in the harbour city, madams report. ``It's like New Year's Eve. We can't keep up with it,'' the spokeswoman for one brothel told the Sydney Morning Herald. Clients had ranged from an Olympic basketball team to a soccer team, she said. But the athletes, issued with three condoms each at the Olympic village when the Games began, have to wait patiently in line. Another brothel said regulars had abandoned it but Olympic trade was booming with several athletes signing in under the name ``John.''<p>In the world's oldest profession, it shows that it pays to advertise. Sydney prostitutes have been offering ``Sprints! Relays! and Marathons!'' in an advertising drive to cash in on the Games. One brothel in the Lidcombe area near the Olympic Homebush Bay complex insists in an advert in the Daily Telgraph tabloid that it has ``gold medal specialists'' to entertain clients. Another near the Olympic venues says: ``Go for gold! We always go the distance.''<p>FOR MORE INFORMATION SEE:
The Scarlet Alliance - Australian National Forum for Sex Worker Organisations at http://www.freespeech.org/scarlet

Well, I guess it *IS* true--you learn something new every day. No wonder those guys from Australia are so jolly.
Secondly i thought that long term effects of her profession may not be good. Well, I would agree that the long term effects are probably not good--for one thing there are so many STD's that she can contract and pass on to you. If she doesn't care about her own health, she should consider yours. AIDS doesn't discriminate against young, brown-eyed beauties. She is at risk, too.<p>initially i allowed her as nude dancer & not as a call girl. She did not take me into confidance when she entered in to this.She has definitely overstepped on this.You may have been a bit naive on this matter. I do agree, however, that she should never have crossed into this side of the 'business'. It is dangerous in so many ways, not the least of which is to your marriage.
However, owing to her physiological problem ( uncontrolled very strong sexual impulses)which i discovered now, i reviewed the situation & felt that I need to allow her to continue till i come across with some practical solution to this. I still am not sure about this. If this has a physiological root, why can't she be given hormone therapy to reduce the level of testosterone? Was she always this way or perhaps the different sexual encounters have opened a new side of her libido that she was unaware of before. I also feel strong, sometimes overwhelming sexual urges but if my husband can't meet those needs, I do it myself. I'm just wondering if she has felt extremely repressed until now and feels that she is making up 'for lost time' in sexual experimentation.<p>I think it comes down to this: she is going to do what she wants to do, regardless of what you 'allow'--so the choices are to 'forbid' her and have her sneak behind your back, tell her that you don't like it but want her to be honest with you about her activities or you can just get happy with it. I think that unless there is actual hormonal imbalance that cannot be treated by medicine, I would ask her to not join the club (I'm not sure how you will handle the legal issues regarding the 'contract'-perhaps she didn't fully understand the implications of it due to a language barrier?)and ask her to go to a counselor to help her understand why she has this need. I just don't think a marriage can be strong and healthy if both partners don't cherish the monogamy of the relationship. If you are not monogamous, why are you married? And honestly, I am more concerned that it's NOT about the money! If it was the money, it seems that obstacle would be easier to overcome.<p>[ April 06, 2002: Message edited by: diddallas ]</p>

Hi there
As u mentioned about hormonal imbalance, there is indeed treatment available but the treatment is conflicting with her other medical problem hence doctor did not advice it & again doctor said that it is not temporary harmonal fluctuation. Hence it is not advisable. She will perhaps need treatment for very long period which has serious side effects.
so my wife is not inclined to undergo treatment. Regarding breaking contracts, heavy early termination fine will have to be paid. But considerable amount is already with held as a security to ensure she does not quit.From her payment certain amount is deducted for that. If she obeys her contract then she will get the lump sum amount at the end of expiry of contract.Of course money wise I will incur big loss but if she really quits i don't mind for that loss.Secondly club manager is too much reluctant to quit my wife. Because he is very very happy with her. I asked him, why he is happy with her? He told me that," we try to satisfy customer's sexual needs by allowing them to experience their fantacies. For example, some gents want to enjoy with our women at their home right in front of their wife & wife joins as a threesome. Some gents( 3 to 4) wants to enjoy group sex with one woman. Some people want to invite our woman in private parties & they want entertainment initially by nude dance & play Adult( not sex actually)games before they part her legs to take turns for final climax. Now many of our woman are reluctant for group sex or such kind of demands. And those participate are not booked later on but your wife accepts such jobs very happily & she is very much in demand.In fact,during week end nights she is always booked for either rave party or gang bang entertainment.The groups are literally crazy & sex maniac but your wife does not seems to have problem to cope with such an exhaustive & repetitive sexual encounter.She is our star performer. How can we let her go?" So your concern is quite right. It is not going to be easy to remove her from the clutches of this manager. I however wanted to know why she is so happy with group & why group is also so happy with her? So I obtained the telephone no. of one such group from manager & asked his permission to contact them. I said i want feed back from them as to why they like my wife? I again told him that i wil not tell that i am her husband.He agreed.I met the group. The group had lot of praise for her. I concluded from their discussion that, my wife made them feel something special.And her involvement in sexual encounter was 100%, always responding positive to their even seemingly stupid desires. In turn she was enjoying special attention she was getting.
Now, as you said she might be severly sexually repressed in the past & she is doing to make up her lost time. I really appreciate your diagnosis. This is exactly what has happened, because there is a very serious sexual incompatibility between us.I don't think i am inadequate to satisfy woman sexually.i asked her many times to give true feed back to me regarding my sexual performance with her, she said, well only occasionally i am not up to the mark, otherwise it is ok. But she would always say to me," u r woman inside & though i have a body of female, my mind is like a male. Her sexual interest & libido, my interst & libido are literally poles apart. She likes erotic stories, watch blue films, adult magazine frequently. One cup board is full of this. She will always try to glue to internet for porno where as i feel vomiting & have no such interest.If i see woman nude, i like it because it is very pleasant to see the inner beuty but i don't get obsessed by that neither i am aroused by that even though my eyes get locked. Because of this, my wife think I am very cool person.I have read many good books on sex as i like to read latest research & theories about it but my wife enjoys reading very erotic even some time vulgar literature.From the day we married, i realised that my wife is hyper sexual but i was thinking that i am very lucky because from many sources i had learnt that woman are great in bed till child is born. Afterwards, owing to nurturing nature, sex drive diminishes. In short i was benefitted largely owing to her overt libido. This went well for some time. However,
Truly speaking,I observed her frustration first time when i did not cooperate with her to full fill her sexual fantacy. She had fantacy of group sex. She wanted me to enjoy another women in front of her & then she will join as a threesome. She wanted me to have affair with some lady & she wanted to see my intercourse with that woman.She prepared her friends for that but i did not go ahead with her fantacy & she felt too much dejected. From that day onwards, she seems to be upset, not for inadequate sexual capacity but not being able to meet her fantacies.It is true that she is now totally addicted to this. I took her to the counselor. He said," your wife has become hard cored, it will take at least three years of treatment but he said to me in private that your wife does not have any will for recovery. She has come here just to make you happy. He again said to me that, your wife has become such hard cored that there will be unbearable withdrawal symptom when she quit, which requires very strong will power to overcome it. Since your wife has no such will at the moment, i don't think it will be useful. So he advised me, just neglect her sexual behaviour & concentrate on her strength & make your life happy. He however told me like you, " Tell ur wife, i don't like it but if u can't control yourself, i am helpless, but atleast tell me each & every thing u do." He further said "even if she does not take treatment, she will get bored with this eventually in 3-4 years as she can't remain like this forever but if u force her to quit it will be counter productive." I consulted sexologist as i thought that i am incapable of satisfing her sexually. After thorough investigation, doctor told me i am normal person. It is ur wife's libido which is abnormal. I have healthy attitude towards sex & understand the need of the partner.For example, I know my wife reach orgasm only when i lick her clitoris which i do gladly. I shag her only after she gets orgasm by cunnilingus. She expects always variety in sex which i reciprocate positively. She some time want very ackward position which she reads some where & i do circus to please her & i too enjoy it.
Sex is always on her mind. She has variuos types of toys like vibrators, dildo, g-spot teaser etc. which she use it regularly inspite of intercourse with me.
She has only one weakness but has plenty of other strenghths. I can't neglect her great contribution in my success. She has great sense of humour. She took my care. She nurtured me, my kids. so i know her worth. I love her too. She loves me as well. owing to this situation, i am confused as to what i should do?
Let me have ur opinion on this then i will communicate further.
Mr. India.<p>[ April 07, 2002: Message edited by: Mr.india ]</p>

Gosh, I think the whole situation is awful!! At first, one might get the impression of a demure girl going into that lady's house, but the first time they told her strip or asked for blood she should've been OUTTA THERE!! <p>Most of my friends are from "asian" countries. What would either of your parents or family members think if they knew all this!! We were joking about the kama sutra on another thread (Emotional Needs or Divorcing categories). But Kama Sutra originated in your homeland!! Imagine a time when you and your wife could have discovered pleasures shared just between you two alone. <p>I would try any alternative to continuing in a marriage this way. What other health issue prevents her from getting hormone therapy?? Some diseases are incurable. What if she were to become pregnant by some stranger!! Never say never! Break the contract, Pay the money and move out of town. Can you live further away & still keep your job? ANd why on earth would you care about her PIMPS? Thats what they are. Profiting on the sale of your wifes body. No way to joining some kinky club either. You're not fixing the problem.<p>I think you both took drastic wrong measures. In the US. there are alot of Indian Women who are here on unstable shaky visas of their husbands. They do sewing and tailoring, import fabric or spices from home etc. Some make pakoras, samosas, or all those fabulous gulab jamans and other deserts and have some shop sell them for them. They also do sales by word of mouth, often doing a lot of cooking/baking for someone who is doing a party & cant cook themselves. Americans love sari fabric and pay lots of money in stores like Pier 1 imports for pillows and window curtains made in India. Are there not some Indian communities in Australia you could become part of? It is them that substitutes as family, when away from homeland. I think you should reassure your wife over and over again until it sinks into her head that YOU DO want her to continue to be independant, but in a HEALTHY way, both mentally and physically. Ask her to let you take care of her bedrrom need as much as you can. Tell her you are sorry you ever encouraged her to find a money source, or ever agreed to let her live that lifestyle. <p>Could you whisk her off & go home for a vacation? Or what about some place in Autralia even. The scenery must be beautiful.<p>Keep posting here!

While I don't agree with everything that cantletgo said, valid points were made. Are there not some Indian communities in Australia you could become part of? That would a great support group for both of you and perhaps help ease her out of the decadent lifestyle into which she has fallen. Ask her to let you take care of her bedrrom need as much as you can. Tell her you are sorry you ever encouraged her to find a money source, or ever agreed to let her live that lifestyle. Perhaps at this point, 'allowing' her to develop a sexual relationship with someone else might keep her at home but, frankly, from the way it sounds, she's really into the rough stuff and needs some intense therapy to discover why she wants to let people use her body in this way. I would dismiss the idea of the 'swingers club'--please don't anybody flame me for this--but if she will not stop these activities, at least her manager 'pimps' will look out for her. The risk of disease and danger are the same, either way.
She will perhaps need treatment for very long period which has serious side effects.I wonder if this is not an 'excuse' to continue the lifestyle. And as for termination fines for breaking the contract, I wonder, too, if you could leave Australia and go to another country. I know starting over would be hard. On the other hand, if she truly is immersed in these activities, a change of location won't help. She has to want to stop them.<p>It is impossible to govern another's actions or psyche. It is entirely possible that she will grow tired of this in the future...after all, tires do lose their tread...and she won't stay young and fresh forever. It is also possible that she will drown in this degrading cesspool, end up on drugs, with AIDS or dead. I know you love her and the only thing I can suggest for now is to let her know that you do and try to get her to counseling.

Well i am really thankful to both of u for taking pains to write me in detail.Well, i have noted all your points but i especially appreciated two key points of daddalus,( seems to be on same wave length with me) One is, if she does not have desire to quit her present habbit, change of location will not help. But the same point is applicable for referring to counselor because unless she develop true desire to change herlife style, mechanically going to therapist won't help because she needs strong will power to overcome withdrawal symptom. And the same reason is preventing her to go for harmone therapy. I am sure that she is giving easy excuses to avoid the treatment. There is one saying, you can take cow to the river but you can't create desire to drink the water in her.So you really can't make cow drink the water unless she desires.Same thing applies in my case.
Well, regarding socialising aspect, i would like to throw some light on her behaviour. My wife is nurtured in a very religious environment. We are muslim. Her parents are very religious. She too is very religious on matters other than sex. well, honestly speaking i pray only once a day & on friday whereas my wife regularly prays 5 times a day.We have developed friendships with community people. One of my friend, Dr. Zakir Naik,who is islamic scholar, recently visited to Australia. My wife took keen interest in discussing islamic issues( other than sex of course)She wears veil happily in social life & she likes it. She is very sober while interacting socially with community. She would take part in both Idd , goat sacrifice, Zakaat, helping poor. She is otherwise very extrovert & helpful nature.But she developed however very strong rebelious attitude as she was not allowed co-education. She studied in girls school. Again, strict code of conduct at home & in our culture also made her resentful. She wanted to join Uni. but she was not allowed because of fear that she may lose her virginity before marriage. I don't want to make any controvertial statement here & again i don't agree fully with her views as well. When i asked why u want to do that? She has strange philosophy. She said, i want to do till the point where i will have no more desire left. She gives funny example. My kid once showed greediness for cadbory chocolate at neighbours house, once.She got upset & she brought heaps of chocolates & put in front of children & made them eat. My child eat few & then lost desire for it. She tells me i want to do that. Basically, i have found she is more influenced by Bhagwan Rajnish philosophy. She would almost quote example from his book. The real problem with her is that she has developed casual attitude towards sex. She tells me, u r like taliban not interested in what life has to offer. Whenever i try to tell her about possibility of drugs, diseases she would tell me, don't think i am fool & don't ever think that i can't quit any thing. I am doing because i think i am not doing any wrong. U too can enjoy other woman but if u love other woman i will kill u. By the same token I love you & will always love u. I know how to & when to apply brakes. Don't worry too much. I am careful about everything. When i asked, if it is ok if i allow u to develop sexual relationship with any person of ur choice to which she said No because there is possibility of emotional investment with that person which i don't want in any case. I never ever want to involve emotionally with any man other than u. That is the reason i always like group sex because u can't fall in love with group. Similarly i prefer couple, because they r just casual & have one night stand without hang up. Bachelors r bit risky to deal with. They r addictive & tend to involve & hence that is not my area.
What are ur views now?

You know, I had wondered if perhaps you were Muslim---so am I. Small world, huh?<p>As for her saying "I am doing because i think i am not doing any wrong. U too can enjoy other woman" we both know that is a lie. There is nothing in Islam that allows a woman to have sex with another man other than her husband. Nor does it allow a man to have sex with someone other than his wife. She is doing what so many other people (including me, I will admit) do; she is adhering to the religion only so far as it is convenient for her and ignoring the rest. I think we will all have a lot of explaining to do on Judgement Day. If she is concerned for her soul, she must quit this immediately.<p>"She wears veil happily in social life & she likes it. She is very sober while interacting socially with community. She would take part in both Idd , goat sacrifice, Zakaat, helping poor. She is otherwise very extrovert & helpful nature.But she developed however very strong rebelious attitude as she was not allowed co-education. She studied in girls school. Again, strict code of conduct at home & in our culture also made her resentful. She wanted to join Uni. but she was not allowed because of fear that she may lose her virginity before marriage." It is obvious that she knows and understands her Islamic obligations and strictures. Again, she is rationalizing her behavior. I think if you are to save your marriage and family, you are going to have to become the spiritual leader of your home the way you should be. You must start praying with her, going to the mosque every Friday, reading Quran with your family. I have to wonder how this is affecting your children. I&#8217;m sure that she thinks that they don&#8217;t have any idea what is going on but they are really much sharper than we give them credit for.<p>"But the same point is applicable for referring to counselor because unless she develop true desire to change her life style, mechanically going to therapist won't help because she needs strong will power to overcome withdrawal symptom." However, sometimes if you &#8216;act as if&#8217; you are willing, eventually the desire does come. It is said that when the student is ready, the teacher will come. Perhaps, though, sometimes the teacher has to come again and again until the student becomes ready.<p>"she would tell me, don't think i am fool & don't ever think that i can't quit any thing." So, then why doesn&#8217;t she quit?<p>"She said, i want to do till the point where i will have no more desire left. She gives funny example. My kid once showed greediness for cadbury chocolate at neighbors house, once. She got upset & she brought heaps of chocolates & put in front of children & made them eat. My child ate a few & then lost desire for it. She tells me i want to do that." I know that many people believe that aversion therapy works but there is also evidence that it does not. There are many, many people who force their children to smoke after catching them with cigarettes&#8230;and many of those children develop a habit they cannot break. I think that aversion therapy can go either way. Again, another rationalization for continuing her behavior. Alcoholics can drink gallons of liquor and still never get tired of it. Risky business, this. I think there is a huge element of excitement here&#8230;wouldn&#8217;t many of us like to have a &#8216;double life&#8217;? Pretend that we are somebody completely different?

"She tells me, u r like taliban not interested in what life has to offer." Western baloney&#8230;again, to rationalize her behavior. Life has plenty to offer the rest of us&#8230;Muslims, Christians, Jews&#8230;that does not include being gang-raped for fun. This life does have indeed have much to offer. However, it is extremely fleeting and the next life is for much longer. Is she willing to trade momentary gratification now for eternity in the hellfire?<p>If she is religious as you say, I would find Quranic verses and Hadith to support her ending this. I would also think about moving to another country&#8230;and I would immediately get her into therapy in the new country to help her beat this compulsion. If that&#8217;s not possible, then I can only guess that you will either have to endure her double life (which would be intolerable for most men) or you will have to end the marriage. I only pray that she is not lost in all this. Sometimes people get sucked into these deviant lifestyles and never return. <p>Please keep writing. This is therapy for you even if she doesn&#8217;t participate. Perhaps you can show her these posts if you think she is receptive to them.

I am really excited to know that u belong to my community. It becomes easier to understand the problem in our cultural domain.
Well, those who have read my post, would conclude that what sort of person i am & how come i am tolerating all this. By this time my wife should have been out of my house. Any other husband would have done that but why i am doing the way i am doing.
The reason is not difficult to understand. Though i have painted her picture in red colour, deep down i know i am responsible for all this mess. There are many grey areas on my side as well.
She had interest in learning dance.I took admission in dance class when i was in Bombay. Now there are so many silmilar other things which i never objected to her.
Now,again in Australia i started on wrong footing. Previous day,cantletgo rightly echoed her opinion. The unfortunate part of beginning of her career as a nude dancer was influenced by muslim lady from Bombay itself who invited my wife at her residance. The rest of the story is already written. The other unfortunate part is that her switching from dancer to social escort( here they don't say call girl. They give sophisticated name like this) was again influenced by many African & Asian muslim girls in this trade. Of course i don't blame them.We r responsible for our actions & decisions. But the point i am making is, if i would not have allowed it in the first place,later complications would not have developed. Again i never bothered to check what she is doing? This i can't explain without honest admission of my serious lapses. Though she can't entirely blame me or justify for all her actions, i too can only partly blame her if i think rationally. So i want to clear my own mess without being judgemental.
I have many ideas with me which i will explore as and when required based on how it goes. What i am trying is her smooth transition without creating any scar on her psych.We have always lived like friends & i am trying to resolve this in most friendly manner. When we r at home together, we talk for hours together,enjoy each other's company, tease each other, amuse each other by humour. Some time we fight & get angry with each other & don't talk with each other for some time but it last hardly for one or two hours because we both can't remain like that. so i know, i am her strong weekness. If i give her ultimatum to choose between me & her present job, there is no way she will opt for job. But i am looking at this from all possible angles. I want to raise her self esteem as well. I want her to learn new skill which will involve her natural interest like cooking, child day care or some thing like that. I want her to develop deeper understanding of issue & not overplaying the tape of guilty consciousness. Though she does not admitt but what seems to worry her at this stage is financial loss as a result of breaking contract. My conclusion is based on following observations. From the day her profession revealed to me, i kept watch on her financial transactions & was surprised to find that she has asked her manager to double her regular deductions.From her behaviours it appears that she wants to pay full termination fine( but not ready to take our money as soon as possible.) She had some saving, which she deposited with him. It appears that with this going rate she would be able to get rid off within i think 2-3 months. She tries to reassure me and say that pl. believe me. Don't ever think i can't quit but give me some more time. When i asked how much time u need ? she is not ready to committ hence i have not so far believed her words seriously despite some encouraging facts but prepared to give her time if she really mean it.
The other encouraging fact but still open to close scrutiny is as follows:
The whole situation has become one sided because i did not get trapped when she arranged me to involve in other woman. It is not easy & especially for male it is too difficult if not impossible to overcome the temptation to accept the invitation of consenting female. Male mind gets instantly corrupted. Some how i could survive that.She played her card once again, after her job discovery. She told me her fantacy involving me, her and other woman. She is good at erotic stories. So she tried to arouse me or get interested in this. When she finished, she asked me what is your fantacy? I said well i too have one fantacy after which she was excited to hear.
My fantacy goes like this.
i gave you ultimatum to choose between me & ur job. U chose job. i could no longer withstand it & committed suicide because u deserted me. My soul was not accepted in heaven because of suicide. I was told by Allah SWT, that my soul will wonder on earth till the time i was supposed to die naturally. I asked Almighty one favour that my soul should be able to help u. It was agreed but was told that ur wife will not be able to know that u r helping & can't experience touch. Then my soul returned to earth. I was with u all the time, holding ur hand, helping u. Then u contracted AIDS & died shortly. Ur sin was condoned for ur some other good deeds. U however expressed one desire that preview of your life be shown to u. As per request, symbolic single line diagram of ur life span was shown to you. U see two pair of symbolic foot prints & difficult terrain. U r told that the other foot print belong to ur husband whom u left for this job.He was with u, holding ur hands, helping u that is why it is his foot prints. As u see all terrain u recognise all the phases of ur life.Then u see the most difficult terrain. U remembered the events. U had surrendered to the destiny at this stage. But u surprised that there is only one pair of foot prints. U were shocked & got angry. U said, Ya, Allah, this man seemed to have helped me at relatively easy time but when i was truly in need, he has deserted me when i needed him most.I think i was right to leave him. After, that Allah SWT said, My child, don't be judgemental. U were not able to walk of ur own on this difficult terrain of ur life hence ur husband carried u on his shoulder so the foot prints on this terrain are not yours, they are ur husband's footprints."
After listening my fantacy she hugged me so passionately to the level i felt suffocated & profusely cried for half an hour. After that she pretended that she is ill & did not go to club for one week & next week she started & doing double job.
Is this ploy to fool me or she really meant It? of course, time will tell but i am giving benefit of doubt to her. What do u think?

&#8220;By this time my wife should have been out of my house. Any other husband would have done that but why I am doing the way I am doing.&#8221; I don&#8217;t think all other husbands would have done that&#8230;everyone is different in how they react and their thoughts. I feel from your posts that you love your wife deeply and are willing to do whatever it takes to recover her health (physical and emotional) and your marriage.<p>&#8220;The unfortunate part of beginning of her career as a nude dancer was influenced by Muslim lady from Bombay itself who invited my wife at her residance. The rest of the story is already written. The other unfortunate part is that her switching from dancer to social escort (here they don't say call girl. They give sophisticated name like this) was again influenced by many African & Asian Muslim girls in this trade.&#8221; I find that Muslims are no different than Christians, Jews, Hindus or any other religion&#8212;there are those that are truly devout, those that are &#8216;conveniently&#8217; religious as I discussed before, and those that are that religion in name only and by virtue of what religious background they came from. I used to work at an Islamic center here in the US and some of the looks I got from some of those truly pious brothers&#8212;leaders in the community&#8212;made my skin crawl. <p>It does sound hopeful that she is paying off her contract early. Perhaps she really does feel guilty for doing what she feels is wrong. Plus, as a loving wife, I&#8217;m sure it pains her to cause you such deep hurt.<p>I think her fantasy is more common than people realize. I&#8217;m just not sure she has considered all the possible consequences. In a fantasy you can control the other people&#8217;s actions and emotions (as well as your own). In reality, your own emotions may surprise you and you can&#8217;t control anything about the others.<p>I think she was very touched by the dream you shared with her. She knows what she is doing is wrong. Perhaps after a short time, her conscience will be able to overcome the desires of the flesh and she will quit the job. I don&#8217;t think she was using a ploy&#8230;if she was that cold, she would have gone to work anyway.<p>I think you should pray that Allah will give her strength and take the seal off her heart in this matter. The scary thing for me is that I know Allah CAN forgive anything but Shirk&#8230;the question is WILL He? It&#8217;s a very, very dangerous gamble in my book&#8212;especially knowing the tortures of the hellfire. Be strong, in your love for her and in your Islam&#8230;start being the spiritual leader of your home. That is your biggest responsibility in this life. You must step up to it. Pray with her&#8230;yes, the whole 5 times. As you turn your face to Allah and his guidance, I believe she will also.<p>Assalamu Alaikum.

Dear sister
Assalamualaikum
Thank you for your involved concern. I have taken your advice seriously & now in the process of implementing on it. I have started praying three times with my wife. Make “Dua” for me so that I can pray 5 times a day.
As my purpose is served, this is my intended last post on M.B. I would like to share with you about my ideas about approaching various discussion forums. I believe that discussion or brainstorming session with intellectual people definitely generates good ideas to work on. With this open mind, I put my problem on few Internet sites related with relationship problems. I had following objectives in mind,
v What I should do to make my wife change her present life style?
v How should I address her present needs?
v How can I accomplish it with minimum conflict, without psychological scar on her mind?
v Could the recovery be made painless, so on & so forth?<p>I did not mention my own ideas. It was intentional because it would have shunted any new worthwhile ideas from members. In majority of cases, quality of advice was not up to the expectation. One gentleman proposed me that he & his good friends are willing to take care of my wife’s sexual needs. One female member responded that she feels jealous of my wife. Other members mostly focussed on providing simplistic solution, which were superficial in nature. Then at the end I came to know about M.B. I wrote my post & I was impressed by your advice. You did analysis of what is written & started probing further to have the deeper understanding of the issue. I got only two members from MB who responded but both offered quality advice.
One thing I will tell you. To prevent my wife from her present life style is really not difficult for me. I know her all hot buttons. My post might have created the impression that my wife is totally dominant & i am just helpless. It is not the case. But I want to use methods like giving ultimatum as a last resort when all other methods fail. I want to make it painless for her because her pain really pains me. I am willing to pay any cost for her recovery. And that is how things are shaping up.
Well, regarding your experiences about skin crawling looks by so-called pious brothers, you will surprise to know that here, very reputed hafiz is regular visitor of night club where my wife works & has slept at least once with all the woman in the club and perhaps scored century with my wife as she being his favourite and first choice. He has like-minded jamaat people from Canada, USA & South Africa. Many times, he visited with overseas group & book my wife in advance to avoid disappointment. The only difference is they take turn but not do in front of each other. We both go to Friday prayer where as he leads prayer & give very forceful speech. There is another practical joke. As u were connected to Islamic Centre in U.S. Of A. u will be knowing many eminent personalities in the world. Hence I will not mention the country of person I am talking about. One year back, one scholar visited Australia to talk on various issues. My wife & me attended one of his lectures on Islam’s perspectives on adultery. I appreciated his knowledge & effective speech. My wife recently told me that night before his lecture he had slept with her and is literally sex maniac. People coming from other countries in Jamaat visit nightclubs. I don’t mean every one is like that but they are significant in numbers. Of course there are black ships in every profession and in every community but deviant behaviour of pious people is more disturbing. Any way, what can we do?
I will keep you informed about the developments about my wife's recovery. But in the mean time I am giving my email address to you, as perhaps I will not be visiting this site any more & MB is not meant for general communication either.For sharing our ideas on islamic issues, email would be better. Should you feel to comminicate me, feel free to write on my follwing email address.
stisekar@iprimus.com.au
You can trust your Aussie brother.
Once again thanks.
JAZAKALLAH (May Allah Reward you For This)
Allah Hafiz

just a P.S.<p>I didn't say much. I was raised catholic & from personal losses, lost my faith. Those friends I mentioned? - are all Muslim, as is my husband! I have been to the local mosque many times for Eid, potlucks and other social occasions, though I myself have not converted. I told H when we met that if I could not give 100% of myself, then what was the point being a hippocrit.<p>Your situation is sad. I though you must be Hindu, from all this sex stuff & concern for the wrong people (supersticious nature too). This is all so CRAZY. You say your wife wears the veil & all. WHY????? I thought the idea of that was so that you were only known to your own husband, and female friends. In your wifes case its all been seen. Sorry, if I upset you. But I just cant understand this. My friends are considered "liberal" for not wearing a hijab!! I myself think that you should be able to pray at any time (within moral limitations). ANyway, I dont want to go off on a tangent.<p>You said you know what buttons to push for your wife? So, push them a little. The suggestions are always to be tolerant and make the effort to be forgiving and loving, but I think there comes a point when you have to protect yourself & YOU ARE THERE!! ANd you have kids!! I really hope your wife will seek medical treatment quickly. The hormonal imbalance & upset body chemistry could have a lot to do with it.<p>But when does a person cross the line? I told myself that if nothing else, he would never betray our marriage by having sex with anyone else. I convinced myself it was emotional and only hurt myself in the process. He treated me very very badly all last year, screaming at me, denying what he had done. I found out later from many other people that He & this other woman were getting wild! she had the kinky underwear, gadgets, food, kama sutra book etc. They were together many time s7 He bought her gifts & sent love cards etc. He is home now, but we hardly talk. It is very sad.<p>Does your wife know you want her to stop this all, and get a normal "respectable" job if she still wants to work. Does she know the marriage is important to you? If her behaviour keeps up with the sex stuff, what are you going to do. Did divorce ever cross your mind, or leaving? Why did you come to MB site? Does she imagine you would never do anything to hurt her? Is SHE taking advantage of YOU?? I think you must decide what you want, and what you will do if that does not happen. ANd be able to follow through with it. <p>There is a part of prayers both in Islam and in Christianity in general about asking God to Lift you out of the swamp/mire that you are stuck in and carry you to safety. You'll have to forgive my phonetics, I dont know arabic, or even hindi/urdu for that matter. Theres 3 I know, but not the true meaning. Dallas??<p>"Inna lilahe wah inna alla ihe rajeoon"
"Ya remani awasni"
"La illa ella unta subhanaka ini kuntum minooz zalamin"<p>Can you figure out which ones I mean and what they are for? I hope that the situations can be resolved.

cantletgo,
. I told H when we met that if I could not give 100% of myself, then what was the point being a hippocrit. Absolutely! Your faith is yours and yours alone--although sometimes I think if you start out giving a portion--just the fact that you are willing will sometimes raise the percentage dramatically.<p>You say your wife wears the veil & all. WHY????? I thought the idea of that was so that you were only known to your own husband, and female friends. In your wifes case its all been seen. Sorry, if I upset you. But I just cant understand this. Cantletgo, as I see it, India's wife is leading a 'double life' like Batman and when she is 'Bruce Wayne'-she wears a veil and covers. Of course, you are correct about covering for modesty, but I must admit that I do not cover anymore. I was raised here in the US and can't see where the sight of my frizzy, split ends could drive anyone crazy with desire. And why is it permissable for a woman NOT to cover after menopause? Are we not attractive and desirable then as well? I don't know about you but I would kill to look like Elizabeth Taylor at her age now!<p>I also think it's very easy for us to take the moral high ground here when we weren't the ones faced with the prospect of hungry children in a foreign land with perhaps a limited grasp of the language. From your post, I don't think you have kids but believe me, you will do anything to feed them and give them the best life you can. I wish that India's wife could have found a different way but who of us it to say that we wouldn't do the same if our children were hungry and had no place to live. I can only think that they left India in the first place to go to a better life.<p>But when does a person cross the line? I told myself that if nothing else, he would never betray our marriage by having sex with anyone else. I convinced myself it was emotional and only hurt myself in the process. He treated me very very badly all last year, screaming at me, denying what he had done. I found out later from many other people that He & this other woman were getting wild! she had the kinky underwear, gadgets, food, kama sutra book etc. They were together many time s7 He bought her gifts & sent love cards etc. He is home now, but we hardly talk. It is very sad.Your husband is like the rest of us--he is human and he makes mistakes. He also has certain inherent needs. One of those needs is physiological satisfaction--SF is part of that. Sex is one of the strongest drives we have after food and safety. And of course he would deny the affair--because admitting it puts his 'social security, i.e.-your marriage' in jeopardy. Another need listed in Mazlow's theory is the need for self-esteem-the appearance of a happy, normal married life fills that need. His poor behavior is a manifestation of the guilt and conflict he was feeling. And he bought her gifts because that's the price we pay for sex---it's all part of the mating dance. They take us out to dinner, say complimentary things, buy flowers and after awhile, he gets the payoff--sex! Then it starts over again. Once we get married, it ends because he has bought the 'whole cow'--he doesn't have to buy milk by the gallon anymore. I'm sorry that you've been hurt---have you asked him to go to counseling to help resolve these issues and to help you to learn to meet each other's needs? I also, and I do not mean to offend, get the feeling that you kind of 'look down' on the wild stuff--the underwear, gadget, etc. But Islamically, anything other than anal sex is okay between married people and if you can set your inhibitions aside, you, too, could learn to enjoy a wider variety of things that your husband likes.<p>There is a part of prayers both in Islam and in Christianity in general about asking God to Lift you out of the swamp/mire that you are stuck in and carry you to safety. You'll have to forgive my phonetics, I dont know arabic, or even hindi/urdu for that matter. Theres 3 I know, but not the true meaning. Dallas?? [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] Not me. I'm hopeless there. I feel confident, however, that Mr. India is well-versed in prayers and Quran and will be able to find what he needs. And there is always that 'one-on-one' talk with God, Du'a. I'm pretty sure that Allah knows what we are trying to say when we say it. <p>The thing is, cantletgo, that if Mr. India forcibly grabs his wife by the hair and drags her back to Bombay, if she wants to pursue the new lifestyle, she will. Unless he can guard her 24/7, she will find a way. He will have to help *her* decide that she no longer has the need for this. I hope she gets the medical treatment as well-for her health's sake-and begins therapy. <p>Meanwhile, we shall mention them when we make Du'a.<p>[ April 13, 2002: Message edited by: diddallas ]</p>