Married, 3 1/2 years, 2 year old daughter, 6 months pregnant... Everyone considers us the "perfect" couple. I feel like we WERE. The topic of swinging with a couple friends (married, my best friend for 10 years) of ours came up. He said he thought it would be fun, something we could try together. I was devastated. I am NOT interested. Although this has appeal in fantasy, I know that emotionally our relationship would never survive it, even if I did go against my values and do it (which I absolutely, positively won't do). Problem: he says he is okay with it and respects my wishes, but every few weeks the topic comes up again and he mentions that he is "sad" that it's something he'll never get to explore and "disappointed" that I feel differently. I am no longer tolerant of these discussions. They cause strife and heartache on my end, and I think he is frustrated at being told "no" for the first time in his life. I feel like he signed on to monogamy, and that he needs to get over his disappointment and focus on what we can do together (we have a great sex life)- fantasies, erotic pictures, etc. He feels that since he can't get his way, he is entitled to talk about his feelings as much as he wants. I know this is personal, but I really crave outside, anonymous feed-back. Help!

Have you told him how his nagging about this makes you feel? Not just tired of hearing it but that it makes you feel inadequate, that he's not satisfied with you. <p>Maybe you should check out the EMotional Needs questionnaire on this site. It might help both of you. Can't hurt.

Interestingly enough, we did the questionniare and were both pretty compatible. That's the frustrating part, we really are good together, we just can't get past a few little issues. We met with a counselor last week, and are meeting with a different one tomorrow to see if they are a better fit. I have told him that it makes me feel that I am not enough for him... He insists that I am, it just makes him a little sad. I think this has a lot more to do with him being told "no" (He grew up with ZERO discipline) and not really the sex issue. When we are getting along, it seems that this issue just fades into the background. He even will admit that it's exciting to him, but would most definitely cause complications if acted upon, not worth it. The struggle right now is that he feels that because we can't do it, my feelings come first. SO, he should be able to talk about it, even if it makes me feel inadequate, because he wants his feelings to count too. I am really nervous about the counselor... thanks for your words, it helps just to know someone is listening!

You should read Sunshine's post about "Can a man love 2 women at the same time?" In it, you will see the downfalls of swinging. Her marriage is coming apart at the seams right now. Don't feel badly for sticking to your MORALS and convictions. You're right, it would probably never be the same. Doing things just to please another isn't worth it.<p>Have you had counseling? It sounds like your marriage would definitely benefit from it. Good luck and peace and healing to you

Thanks Maggie, I'll definitely take a look at that post. We just started counseling, and I think everything is going to be okay. This issue came up and I feel that it was too big for us to handle ourselves (although we tried) and some damage was done. It is so scary to me. I just hope that we can get back to the loving, fun couple we were. I am a little curious about counseling, I always felt it was for BAD couples. We are not bad, we just were fighting too much about the same things. I feel positively about it, and am looking for some positive stories about people who have gone through it and are better than ever... any suggestions?

Maggie, where is that post you were talking about? I know I've seen it but now I can't find it!

Hello! I am the boring back to basics guy. First off thank you for having morals and posting it. So many posts sound like talk show themes. But baack to work here, you realy need to own and read 2 books, "Love Busters" &"His Needs Her Needs". This forum is great but the books (read LB first) have so much in them that you realy cant afford to miss out on them. They put into understandable language the when where how and why of how you got there and how to leave. Hubby may feel picked on now but when he finishes the books with you he should have a whole new perspective and understanding on marriage. Furthermore, they will give you a much needed dose of prevenative medecine for "next time". Because if left untreated there will be next times forever more.
May God be with you both.