My husband enjoys hunting, fishing, boating, and camping. I also like to (in moderation). He has spent many hours doing the things he enjoys without me because I just don't get as much out of it. Since we started spending more and more time apart, our communication has gotten to the point of him calling me profanities when he gets mad. When I stick up for myself and tell him "no" to a demand, or a hateful, sarcastic request, he just gets angrier. His tone of voice with the kids has gotten worse. I intervened when he started to belittle our daughter because she wasn't sweeping the floor to his specifications. I was punished with more name calling. I have eventually come to the conclusion that it is a lot easier to walk away from him and say nothing when he explodes in these angry outbursts. He has been "working late" for the past couple of nights. I've actually had some peace and quiet in the house this week. I can feel the anxiety mounting every evening on my way home from work when I know he's home. I've noticed my hands shaking at dinner. This situation is not getting any better. We went to the MB seminar last Fall and we were doing really well for awhile. It seemed he lost interest after the love busters tapes and the beginning of emotional needs. I'm to the point of starting to look for another place to live. I don't want a divorce, but I can't keep living this way. I feel like he doesn't care if I'm alive or dead. He criticizes my job, my income, the hours I work, my friends, he has even gone so far as accusing me of trying to take his friends away. I don't understand where he gets this. He criticises how I look. (especially my rear.) I'm not fat 5'6", 143lbs. I've been working out at an all women's fitness center.(for him to like my body better) And he complains how much money I spend. I don't spend money on anything really. If I did, where's my new outfit to show for it? I got a hair cut last week, the first one in over 9 months, and I was afraid to tell him about it because of his anger and the money control issues with him. He gets his hair cut every 6 weeks. I say nothing. When I do try to point out things to defend myself, it's not really worth it. Is there any hope?

have you sit down with him at a calm time and asked him why he is so angry? Is it possible to talk with him? That, I think, is going to be the key here. If he can sit down and talk rationally, then I think you can figure out what the problems are and work on them. If not,then you're pretty much on your own about how to fix the situation.<p>Do you think it is possible that he's having an affair and maybe has started to criticize everything so that he can rationalize his behavior-present and/or future? I think since being here at MB, I look for the signs more often--but I think it's better to even consider this than get struck blindside.<p>Please let me know how it goes.

How ironic... to log on and see that my wife has used my username and password. "Commited1"... are you?<p>(In repsponse to "frankly my dears", no affair is involved or realistically possible since all of my evenings are at home caring for the children while my wife is gone working out, working evenings at the office, in weekend classes, or staying out all night at who-knows-where (and not telling anyone.) My displeasure is always misconstrued as emotional abuse.<p>Perhaps this forum will give me the opportunity to respond to the issues raised and accusations implied... Since you haven't and cannot seem to approach me on these issues, I'll just respond to them here... I'm trying to over-come my own convictions of how inappropriate this method is...<p>Yes, I enjoy the outdoors. I work in an office all week, and I enjoy being outside as much as possible on the weekends. (Part of this consists of 2 1/2 hours yard work that I do alone.) Part of anger? perhaps.<p>Two weekends ago, I watched four children while you attended a weekend seminar. (for the second weekend in a row) That evening, you did not come home. You told no one where you were. Now I know, at the casino getting drunk. The girls awoke in the middle of the night asking where mommy was. In the morning, they again asked where mommy was. What did I say? "I don't know." For some reason, that made me feel quite small. Anger? How about humiliation? Disrespected? Unimportant? Belittled? Haunting memories of days gone by... OM?<p>On the flip-side... It is quite convenient for me to watch all four children when you need me to (then they are OURS), but when they are all here and you have nothing to do, it isn't acceptable for me to engage in any activity unless I'm taking atleast two of them (then becomes MY boys) with me. I may be crazy, but these doesn't feel equal.<p>Profanities? The only thing that you have said to me in three days is "You need to call and transfer money now. I spent $___ and stuff is going to start bouncing." (This call came to me at work while in the middle of a design meeting with a client.) and "F*** YOU!" <p>What you interestingly put as "WORKING LATE" is indeed working late, no questions, no suspicions. Deadlines are a part of my line of work. When a project is due to go out to bid, the deadline has to be met. There is a $2M project on the line. (You may recall that I took off Friday and Monday in an effort to spend a weekend with you. Part of the consequence was that it made my deadline tighter. I had felt that it would be worth it.) Working 12 hour days the last two days was not my choice, but a requirement for me if I am to stay employed in my position. (It is also worth noting that this is the first time that I have worked overtime since last June and due to our financial state, OT is quite welcome.) Unheaded accussations, distrust... causes tension... perhaps builds additional anger? It tends to make me question if indeed the extra effort is worth it. (Underappreciated? Is my career of value to the economic well-being of this family?)<p>MONEY. Now there's one. Policy of Joint Agreement has gone out of the window on this one... You are a licensed, SKILLED nurse. You have the skills and capability to earn a higher wage. It is your CHOICE to do a different line of work which pays a considerable amount less. (It has never been a secret that I am unenthusiastic about this.) Your statement of my displeasure with the hours you work is misleading. My displeasure is with the hours that you DON'T work. You have further decreased your income by taking off work for various reasons. My anger is not that you spend money, but rather that as you decrease your income, your spending does not decrease. Enough on money... yes, uncomfortable... INSANITY... doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.<p>My voice with the children... Sis was asked 3 times to sweep the floor. My "standard" was that she ACTUALLY do it. It wasn't about how she was doing it. Joining in on the tail end of conversation and telling the children not to do something that has been asked of them undermines my ability to parent them when you are not around, which lately has been often. Yes, that tends to make me upset.<p>MB? For over a month, I have been trying to get you to join me in the MB courses again... From the feedback, I don't see that there is any interest. Your comment was that it caused more tension between us...<p>I have not criticized how you look. That is your hang-up. That ties to your previous ED and the fear of becoming like your mother. I find it very discerning when I get blamed for the voices in your head... Please stop putting words in my mouth. If you want to know how I feel, ask me. You have stated that your working out is for your emotional well-being, not for my benefit of finding you more attractive. What I find attractive is someone who wants to be with me, spend time with me, and sees that I am someone of value. (Sound familiar?)<p>You say you feel abandoned? Yet, you say you are happier when I'm not here? Are the Playgirl sites, the naked men sites, etc. that you look at on the internet while I'm away enough to keep you satisfied? Or do you want more...<p>So you are thinking about finding somewhere else to live (again)? I would appreciate hearing it first-hand instead of reading it on the internet or worse yet, like last time. Nothing sucks worse than coming home to an empty house, with your wife, children, and all of your possessions gone... <p>Perhaps situations and issues such as these are better discussed one on one, but I can't respond to what I'm never told.<p>(I would be quite interested to hear an outsider's point of view.. if you dare.)<p>[ April 26, 2002: Message edited by: committed1 ]</p>

OK Kids,
This is my wife and I 6 months ago and years before that.
She had "things" to do that left me with the kids to entertain ourselves.
I found "things" to do in self defense to get time to myself.
Because we quit talking she felt I wanted nothing to do with her.
Because we quit talking I felt she wanted nothing to do with me.
We developed seperate lives.
It came to a point where she stopped loving me and committed adultery.<p> Seperately decide if you love each other. Do you want your family? Do you want your marriage?
Have you got the guts to do whatever it takes to repair it?<p> Here's the deal. <p> Husband you are ignoring your wife. Stop it if you want the marriage.<p> Wife you are ignoring your husband. Stop it if you want your marriage.<p> You're both in the wrong. No one is in the right.
The other persons actions do not justify your responses.<p> HERE'S THE HARD PART<p> Grow up.<p> I had to. It's hard. But it's all that will work. I wish you the best.

JerryW put it pretty straight. I am glad he did because you two fighting like a couple of idiots brought back a lot of painful memories and my first reaction was to chew you two a new one. If you two have one shred of decency you will quit this nonsense and work things out. For Gods sake, you two KNOW BETTER! It isn&#8217;t bad enough you are hurting one another, your children don&#8217;t sound like they have been at a picnic! Or do you even care? Do you? Or is your own pride so precious that you cant even see that? And while I am on my soapbox ranting I might as well do a little dirty work. I smell alcohol. If either or both of you drink on anything like a regular basis, quit. If you cant, get help. I am a recovering alcoholic and to me it sounds like some awfully familiar garbage to me. I should know, we used to sound just like that.
I know I am probly wasting my virtual breath saying so but the two of you, with kids, should be attending church. If you would invite Jesus Christ to be your personal savior and to live in your hearts you certainly wouldn&#8217;t be in a catfight, virtual or otherwise.
Grow up.
Keep posting.
May God be with you all.