I don't know if this will help or not, but we had a similar situation at the same point in our marriage. There was no separation, however, he was travelling so much... I feel that provided him with the "alone time" you're talking about. Even to the point where he'd be gone 2 weeks and upon returning to the city here, he'd drive directly to his office instead of coming home [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] The memory of that hurt runs deep.<p>The state of mind he was in had built up over time, be it mid-life crisis, or victim of circumstance... whatever... work, kids, responsibilities, etc. I'm sure you can relate. Anyway, somehow in the course of it all, he thought we were growing apart. I had no idea he was thinking that, or that his pain (in that direction) ran so deep. So in the course of acting like my "normal self", he was seeing my actions (or lack of reactions) as complacent and unresponsive. It had gotten so bad, that even though I was concerned and asked him many times what was wrong... he (after the fact), couldn't remember me ever even asking, which told me he had shut down (to me) long before.<p>We were very in love, so I had no choice but to ask the awful question. It was the only possible thing in my mind... horrific as the thought was... that could possibly make him do and act like he was... He had been having a relationship with someone else.<p>In our case, I don't think he went for a relationship because he wanted one... I think it happened in the course of running from me and the aweful possibility that "we" were over. Ultimately, I suppose he was sorta challenging me (in a sense) to rescue him from his own bad thoughts about us... and take him back, or let him go completely and prove his concerns were right.<p>I know that comes out so black and white... it's not that simple and so deep and involved, I just couldn't post it all. I really don't want to relive the details anyway, but if your love is anything like ours was, I have to ask you to consider that your husband is having... or has had a relationship. Even if there was something... and it's over now, the guilt can eat (him) a person up and change them completely.
You say that basically... sometimes he's running away from you and the kids, while other times, he's running "to" you and the kids. That definitely happened here. I suppose the fact that part of the time he did run "to" us, is what delayed my suspicions about a relationship.<p>When I finally did ask the question, he was almost eager to say "yes", but I think the shock of seeing my hurt (rather than anger), was probably the first step in him realizing how much I loved him. While I can't explain everything, I'll say this... we were both completely strickin with fear at the thought of losing eachother permanently and as a result, we ran "to" eachother instead. First I had to save him, then he had to save me... then we had to save "us". It's been a long road, and even though we've both had (silent) notions of quitting, the finality of divorce was/is something neither of us could bear. I love him with all my heart and him me.... he's thanked me over and over again for helping him and for staying with him. Occasionally we hit a little glitch that needs ironing out, but we sort of attack it together... like a mother protecting her children, because neither of us wants to be afraid of anything hurting us anymore.<p>Maybe we're a success story, I hope so and I hope your hubby didn't have a relationship, but on the other hand, that still leaves your mind helpless and hopeless as to how a person you know and love so well, can turn into such a different person... a stranger even. I hope you find your answers and I hope you can work things out. If he is anything like my husband in how he loves his wife and kids, than "something" is making him change and you will have to run after him with persistence and determination to find out why.<p>All the best,
Barb