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Joined: May 2002
Posts: 4
C
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Joined: May 2002
Posts: 4
Hi - I am not sure where I should post this question, but here goes! My husband and I have been married for 17 years. We had what I thought was a perfect marriage for 15 of those years. For the past two years my husband has been on this rollercoaster. One minute he loves me and the kids and can't stand to be away from us and the next minute he doesn't want to be at home...he wants to be alone! We went through a brief separation back in Sept-Dec. He came home in Dec and has been here ever since. Now all of a sudden he is feeling like he wants to be alone again. I just don't understand at all!!! We have fun together, we have 3 great kids, we never fight. Why does someone all of a sudden decide he doesn't want any of that??? Can anyone shed any light on how feelings can come and go so quickly? And what do I do every time this happens? Sit around and wait? Shower him with affection? Distance myself? I am so confused!!! Any advice?? Thanks!

Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 236
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Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 236
Confused,<p>Begin by taking a deep breath. Calm down. What you do is begin by understanding that this is not your problem. This is your H's problem. He will have to be the one to resolve it. What you do won't solve or fail to solve it since he is the one who has to solve it. What you do can make it easier or harder on him. <p>Your H sounds like he is in the throes of a mid life crisis. There is plenty of information on this site and the DivorceBusters site about how to deal with an MLC.<p>Be there for him, take care of yourself and learn all that you can.<p>Good luck.

Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 99
D
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Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 99
Hello, I am the boring back to basics guy. I discovered this site after reading one of Dr Harleys books. And ever since I read posts like yours of pain and panic that comes of not knowing there is a problem and not understanding, it let alone know how to fix it. So READ THE BOOKS! "Love Busters" teaches us about our bad habbits that destroy romantic love and how to eliminate them from our relationships. "His Needs Her Needs" teach us how to meet each others needs and to build up romantic love. I recomend you order the books (online here or amazon) and until they come in read "the basics" until they come in. There is lots of other good materiel here but get the books, read them (I recomend LB first), both of you.
You may still need counceling, but I have learned that change comes from within, councelors only guide us. There are times that we are in so much pain that we become irrational, guard against this, if you cannot then see the councelor for sure HNHN has info on how to select a councelor. With or without counceling, having read the books you will have wonderfull resources to work with.
Also while you are waiting for the books download the printer friendly versions of "Love Busters Survey" or is it questionaire? Any way and the printfriendly version of "emotional needs survey" and both of you fill them out. These will give you a clue to your problems.
Also I would like to add that I have" been there and done that " and it aint no fun so dont get your feelings hurt, he aint going crazy just to pass the time of day!
Marriage is one place where ignorance is not bliss.
May God be with you both.

Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 11
B
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Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 11
I don't know if this will help or not, but we had a similar situation at the same point in our marriage. There was no separation, however, he was travelling so much... I feel that provided him with the "alone time" you're talking about. Even to the point where he'd be gone 2 weeks and upon returning to the city here, he'd drive directly to his office instead of coming home [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] The memory of that hurt runs deep.<p>The state of mind he was in had built up over time, be it mid-life crisis, or victim of circumstance... whatever... work, kids, responsibilities, etc. I'm sure you can relate. Anyway, somehow in the course of it all, he thought we were growing apart. I had no idea he was thinking that, or that his pain (in that direction) ran so deep. So in the course of acting like my "normal self", he was seeing my actions (or lack of reactions) as complacent and unresponsive. It had gotten so bad, that even though I was concerned and asked him many times what was wrong... he (after the fact), couldn't remember me ever even asking, which told me he had shut down (to me) long before.<p>We were very in love, so I had no choice but to ask the awful question. It was the only possible thing in my mind... horrific as the thought was... that could possibly make him do and act like he was... He had been having a relationship with someone else.<p>In our case, I don't think he went for a relationship because he wanted one... I think it happened in the course of running from me and the aweful possibility that "we" were over. Ultimately, I suppose he was sorta challenging me (in a sense) to rescue him from his own bad thoughts about us... and take him back, or let him go completely and prove his concerns were right.<p>I know that comes out so black and white... it's not that simple and so deep and involved, I just couldn't post it all. I really don't want to relive the details anyway, but if your love is anything like ours was, I have to ask you to consider that your husband is having... or has had a relationship. Even if there was something... and it's over now, the guilt can eat (him) a person up and change them completely.
You say that basically... sometimes he's running away from you and the kids, while other times, he's running "to" you and the kids. That definitely happened here. I suppose the fact that part of the time he did run "to" us, is what delayed my suspicions about a relationship.<p>When I finally did ask the question, he was almost eager to say "yes", but I think the shock of seeing my hurt (rather than anger), was probably the first step in him realizing how much I loved him. While I can't explain everything, I'll say this... we were both completely strickin with fear at the thought of losing eachother permanently and as a result, we ran "to" eachother instead. First I had to save him, then he had to save me... then we had to save "us". It's been a long road, and even though we've both had (silent) notions of quitting, the finality of divorce was/is something neither of us could bear. I love him with all my heart and him me.... he's thanked me over and over again for helping him and for staying with him. Occasionally we hit a little glitch that needs ironing out, but we sort of attack it together... like a mother protecting her children, because neither of us wants to be afraid of anything hurting us anymore.<p>Maybe we're a success story, I hope so and I hope your hubby didn't have a relationship, but on the other hand, that still leaves your mind helpless and hopeless as to how a person you know and love so well, can turn into such a different person... a stranger even. I hope you find your answers and I hope you can work things out. If he is anything like my husband in how he loves his wife and kids, than "something" is making him change and you will have to run after him with persistence and determination to find out why.<p>All the best,
Barb


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