Dear Folks,
As you know, "sex" is one of a man's supposedly big needs. Okay. I don't deny that. I can't fight my genetic and hormonal make-up. But without genuine snuggling, cuddling, and affection from both ends, sex for me is a meaningless, "mechanical" thing that leaves me empty.
Right now, my wife and I are in "recovery" mode. Both of us are reading books like "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Mars and Venus." These books are fantastic...IF both people in a marriage are willing to read and work to apply the principles therein. She and I are doing this, so no "finger pointing" on that score.
But here's my ongoing problem: No matter what I do, I cannot seem to restore the passion and fire to my wife that we used to have when we make love. Without her saying it, I know that "the act" is more of a duty than an enjoyable experience...even when she climaxes. And she does genuinely climax most of the time. I can never express in words the hurt I feel inside knowing this.
And understand: I'm not saying that every time we cuddle it has to lead to sex. Far from it. I genuinely love being held and snuggling with my wife sans sex being an end goal. As a man, I'm more open with sharing my feelings than most. I simply feel better sharing them even if they don't get "solved." Emotions are not necessarily "solvable" things.
I'm at my wits end. It hurts me inside terribly knowing (sensing) that she doesn't seem to adore me and desire me the way she once did. My heart is broken and empty.
I think I have a lot to offer someone who would appreciate it. And believe me: it's difficult at times not just "pulling the plug" after years of this, and casting my lot (eventually) with someone else "out there." <img src="graemlins/teary.gif" border="0" alt="[Teary]" /> <p>[ May 21, 2002: Message edited by: Just_Me ]<p>[ May 21, 2002: Message edited by: Just_Me ]</p>

Thought I would reply here as this board doesn't get many posts. Try posting under Emotional Needs - you will get more replies.<p>Firstly, welcome to an ever expanding club - issues surounding "intimacy" and the lack thereof are very hot topics on these boards right now, whether there has been an A or not. <p>From the sounds of it, at least your W is taking an interest in solving the problem, so you're in better shoes than some who post here, however, it doesn't make your situation any less painful.<p>In my case, I have tried to get my W to read some of those books but she really doesn't want to. She feels we can get those feelings back on our own. And to be fair, we are making progress - although very slowly. My W likes to get comfortable with one stage (i.e. cuddling) before moving on to another. And we may spend months at each stage. Again, there is no one to blame for that, our schedules are so diverse we don't really spend a lot of quality time together so it is taking awhile. Also, my W is pretty much in control of the process. Sometimes I kind of lose control and push things a little, but that just leads to "pressure" which sets us back a step. So I am left trying to do my best to meet her needs, choke back my frustration, and vent when she is not around.<p>Enough of my issues. I think part of your task is trying to figure out what makes her feel "emotionally connected" to you. Also, it may be even as simple as breaking out of a routine or rut. The books you are reading can probably provide more insight on that than I can. One thing is for sure - patience is a major factor. Keep learning (or re-learning) all about romance. Encourage your W (if you can) to explore her own sexuality. That can often have a dramatic effect as well. <p>But don't give in yet. Don't take the easy way out and look to someone else to fill your needs. That road is dark and grim. In the meantime, hang in there, vent here all you want, and hey, maybe even pray a little. It all helps.