Hi all, hope everyone is hanging in there on this supposed to be fun weekend. I guess it is not going so good because here we are. I just have to laugh to keep from jumping off the roof. Not really.
I just need the ladies input on this please, I have had some bad experiences on this board with male advice, and while I appreciate it, I don't want it please. I don't mean to sound harsh, but it is how I feel, I need to control something in my life today.
My husband is a chronic pain sufferer. He is disabled. I work close or over fifty hours in five days to support us. I like to work, so that is no big deal, I would work that much anyway, but the point is I am tired, really tired. I have looked forward to this three day weekend for so long. Hubby and I were going to shop, see a movie,out to eat and whatever he felt like doing. The problem is and is always the problem, is that he will get ready to go, I will get ready to go and then he finds a way to get p'o'd at me so that we end up mad at each other and not doing anything. I don't care if we go anywhere, I don't care what we do, I just don't see why he always has to start something when it is time to go somewhere or do something. Today's anger was because while I was getting ready he was watching a old movie on tv and he wanted to know if I wanted to watch it. I said no, I am getting ready, I have seen that movie before, it is a old one. Well, that made him mad. Not because he wanted me to watch it with him, but because he says I had a tone in my voice when I answered him. So now he is gone and I am in a nice quiet house, but you know I am sick and tired of him doing this kind of thing to me. It is like he has to control something so It is me. I thank heaven for this board, because I have no one to blow off steam to. I am now going out to the bookstore because it is going to be a looooong weekend. Thanks gals!! LesleyK [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img]

Good Morning...
This is my first reply and its so crazy that the first one I read hits so close to home.<p>My husband has a back injury so I can relate to your situation of living with someone in pain. However my situation is different in the fact that our problem revolves around sex and that my husband avoids confict at all cost. What I can tell you is when it comes to him doing something that relates to pain (for us sex, for you possibly walking or even sitting say at a movie for 2 hours) anyway when it comes to doing something that relates to pain they dont want to do it. And instead of being honest and admitting that, they would rather hurt us than hurt their ego by admitting they are weak or hurt! I cant tell you how to handle it with your husband all I can say is to try to put yourself in his shoes, try to be a man and understand how hard it is for men to admit they have a weakness. <p>I dont know if I was any help but just know your not alone. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

It's hard for any of us to admit weakness. My dear MIL is also in chronic pain due to a degenerative spine condition (she's had 3 surgeries in the 4 years I've been married to her son) and the last surgery left her paralyzed in one leg and nerve damage that makes it impossible to control her functions. She gets so frustrated and embarrassed. It really makes me sad.<p>I think sometimes people who are in chronic pain get tired of reminding us of their 'weaknesses' and they do wish they were able to go and do as we do. I think they just get sick and tired of being sick and tired. And I think we sometimes get frustrated that they aren't able to keep up.<p>As for the picking a fight thing, my x used to do it all the time. I agree it would have been so much easier for him to say he didn't want to go. I guess you just have to stop including him and then if he does decide to go, be glad for the company.

<small>[ January 26, 2005, 07:34 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

Thanks everyone....I know you all know how hard it is to live with someone in chronic pain. I just really can't stand the walking on eggshells anymore. He gets so mad and angry all the time. I am not kidding, even if I don't say a thing, but just listen and try to stay out of his way. I swear I can't breath right around him. I really try to walk in his shoes, but you know what? I can't. I do everything for him, don't throw it up in his face, give him everything he needs. I tell you I think it is time to call it quits because I just can not live like this anymore. I have contacted a lawyer, pray for me please. Lesley

What is his disability? Are there things he can do? It sounds like you are doing too much for him. Start by stopping. Stop doing things he clearly can do on his own. It sounds like he is sitting there feeling sorry for himself and you are doing everything to help him to feel better. It is destroying you instead. He is accustomed to you being there and doing for him so as you stop he will get mad but be polite and don't do it. Start slow with one thing at a time. When he throws these tantrums don't argue with him - just go and enjoy yourself anyway.<p>I forget what book I read it in. I will try to find it. Your situation is very similar to what was written to make the point. It had to do with raising your level of expectation of the person makes them raise their expectation of themselves. So as you stop doing for them they start doing for themselves. In return they feel better about themselves and you can get back on the road to recovery if there has not been too much damage done and both want to work at it. Be polite and don't get drawn into his anger and arguments.

Is there any way you can rig your nights out so he has to meet you there? Don't tell him you're doing it to avoid the ritual pre-date fight. Just say, "I have to work/shop/volunteer until 6:00 Saturday. Can we meet at the restaurant bar at 6:45?"

Hi,
Don't know if I can help much but men have a serious problem with their ego. Maybe your husband just feels guilty that he cannot do things the way you can and instead of trying, he sorts the easy way out......tries to throw back the guilt on you. Next time just say..."Honey I know what you are trying to do....I am going to stick with you no matter what....we are doing this together". I don't know....see if it works.

Hi Everyone,<p>Boy can I relate,since I think things may have
gotten a little worse on my half,my husband has
actually left me and moved in with his brother.
He injured his back, back in December and 3 days
after he got his MRI report he told me he was no
longer in love with me,after having a marriage
everyone else admired for 20 years.
At first he would tell me all of aches and pains,
then after he left and I started questioning him
about his back and if that was why he was doing
this, his back all of a sudden was great!But, he
confessed to his brother that he cannot always do
everything that he use to because his back is
really bothering him,I do not know what I am
going to do to save this marriage,I do not want
to live without him. And now after 4 months of
saying it is not me,he is now saying I pushed him
away.
For all of you whose husbands or wives have
changed since going through some sort of neck or
back injury there is another great site to check
out,carecure.atinfopop.com
Take Care