I have been married 17 years, to one of the most beautiful person I have ever met. I love Her more than anything in the world. She is 35 and for some reason has been re-evaluating her life, she has almost completely shut me out and tells me to be myself. She is no longer affectionate nor is she loving, I have tried to be supportive of her but I am having a hard time dealing with this. She nevers says I love you anymore, even when I say it she says I know. She has told me that she feel as if she need space and feels smothered and feels like she needs independence. She has stated that at times she feels she doesnt want to be wife or mom. Last nite I had asked her if she has feeling for me which started a long conversation with me telling her how I feel about us and what I was willing to do. Throughout the whole conversation she listened but never responded to anything that I had said. Many people have told me that she is having an affair, but I dont believe that because she really couldnt be do to time she doesnt go out on her own she works 12hrs a day and comes home afterwards. No this is something different, something that I can not reach many times we have had arguments but we were able to overcome them with a display of love. This time it is much deeper. I told her whatever it she is looking for I will be here for her. The truth is, that this is tearing me apart and I am having a hard time dealing with it, the consequences could be that she needs to move on and that is what is eating at me the most. Today she starts counseling but her attitude going in to it is one that I dont expect any change in her. She says she is doing this because I want her to not because she wants to. I have told her that the inevitable is going to happen no matter what, but if we dont do something then we cant says we tried to fix it. I know this seems like a lot at one time but I feel like I am losing her for good. Any replys would be greatly appreciated.

Hello Ron:<p>I have been in the same situation as you are believe me I sccoped around for 6 months to look at the clues of an A I was in denial, please trust your instinct and gut feelings. My bet is she is having an affair, 12 hours work day and the comments you mentioned seems to justify the EA/PA please read as much as you can and prepare yourself for the battle.<p>You can read my thread on Plan B/Need advice.<p>TheLion

I am in the exact same place you are. I have been married to my H for over 15 years-been together for over 17. You describe his exact behavior and comments. He works 12 hour days-Sunday thru Tuesday-and has Wednesdays thru Saturdays off. I would never want to believe that he is having an A either. In fact, I still don't know whether he is or not. He redeveloped a friendship with a woman he knew from high school and kept it a secret from me. When I found out (by accident) he acted like it wasn't a big deal and tried to cover it up. Said they were only friends and that nothing has happened. Well, he moved out (kind of-stays with a friend on his days off only) and guess who lives in the same complex and is newly separated from her husband. Still he says he has honored his vows and nothing has happened. Says he needs space-has always been with someone as long as he can remember and wants to just be alone. We were married very young and have always had a great relationship.He actually says he still loves me and always will and cares for me and will always be a part of my life (very confusing for me!) But depression is strong. Is she suffering from depression? My H has been for almost 2 years. I finally got him to go to a doctor and he gave him meds. They were working great-he started to come around- until he decided that he didn't need them anymore. He has a drinking problem too-totally related to the depression. So I've got a lot to deal with. I totally understand how you are feeling. So hurt and so helpless. I'm still dealing with it now. All I can say is to try to be supportive and understanding but not to the point where you comprimise yourself and your self esteem! She will take advantage of that. She is being selfish now. You didn't say anything about kids. Do you have children at home? Hang in there. You have a long battle ahead of you. Relationships do come back from this and it is said that those that do survive are stronger.

Unfortunately you are in the same boat like a lot of us. I just want to say you are not alone. My wife is doing the same thing as your wife and soon she will be moving out. Not by my choice at all. Her reasons..Need her space from me, her parents and wants her independence.
You can't force them to do anything. I tried and it doesn't work. My wife went to counseling with the worst attitude and it didn't do anything for the relationship. If you are suspecting something then sad to say it is probably happening. My wife early on was working the long hours, etc. I asked where she was at, "I was at work." Well I found out she was having an EA with a co-worker. So if you are thinking stop by her work unannounced. Pop in every now and then. Change the dance and see what you find out.
Good luck. I know it is hard and you aren't alone. I can not explain why they do it, they just do it...

it's an epidemic. IN the 70's men learned about equality.<p>IN the 80's men learned how to please women.<p>In the 90's men learned how to help around the house.<p>In this decade, it seems we are going to have to learn to have patience.<p>Hang tough, guys.

Ron,<p>Don't want to be the "negative Nellie" here but you would be wise to stay on the alert for signs of an affair. My husband had an affair in late 2000, he was never late, 'missing in action', never had any strange phone calls, no missing money, nothing. I had no inkling until he came home, packed his clothes and left. I'm not saying she is, just be open to the possibility.<p>I think you need to read everything on this site, especially Plan A and the Emotional Needs sections. At least she has agreed to counseling--that's much more cooperation than SOME of us get.

Ron,
If this helps, you are not alone in this situation. It seems like so many people are facing this evil spirit. A good read is "Divorce Proof Your Marriage". It talks about the promises that were made when you two got married and illustrates how too many people see divorce as an easy fix. Just know that divorce does not please GOD. I, like so many of you are going through a very difficuly time. After thousands of dollars spent on marriage counciling and hours of trying to come to an answer, I have learned now that it is inevitable that we will divorce, it is just so painful to face up to. I tried for months hoping that somehow things would feel better. I stopped telling my W that I love her. Since she only says, "I know", it does nothing for my self-esteem. Funny thing, my low self-esteem was the number one complaint that my W has about me. I wonder sometimes if by knocking me down all the time, and continuously hammering at my flaws, I have given in to her suggestions and have become depressed as a result. It is no wonder that I have low self-esteem. Hang in there. You will get through this.

The things your wife is doing are the EXACT same things my wife did (need more space, feeling smothered, need independence, need time to herself, confused) ........... right before I found out she was having an affair. Actually, with her it was some guy she had met on the internet and was carrying on with him both at home and at work.<p>People do not just suddenly change for no reason. There is ALWAYS a reason - in this case, usually another person. And unfortunately, there is usually nothing you can do about it. Just take care of yourself first and foremost. That's what she is doing.

From someone who can identify with almost everything your wife is saying, except the part about being a mother, that's the one thing I want to do is finish raising my kids,....I am most definetly NOT having an affair, however, I am on the verge of leaving. Those are not encouraging comments, regardless of the reason behind them. Hang tough and fight for what you want before it's too late. My H waited too long to wake up.

free indeed, I am starting to feel like you do at this point, I am not having an affair or anything but the lack of conversation, affections, and just caring is becoming too much to bear. I am finding the only way that I can deal with this is to withdraw myself from it and to try not to love my husband because whenever I openup to him he hurts me. I am at this point in mymarriage for the kids, only problem is they are 3 and 1 years old so I have a long road ahead of me [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>To the man who started this thread I dont know what to tell you but to keep trying, I know if my husband were to come home tonight and show me affection I would think it wasnt genuine because he has done it so much in the past, been affectionate and loving for a few days then gone back to being mean and careless....you have to earn someones trust back when they feel that way and it can take along time.<p>Tara

proudmommyof2<p>Don't let me discourage you in any way. BUT...I have been waiting for my H to open up and even talk to me and be a companion for soooo long, that if I had to do over I would have left when pregnant with my last child. I have been thinking for 20 years, " If I just be abetter wife, do everything right and cater to him, he will eventually come around. He didn't. Now that I am through trying and doing my own thing, getting stronger myself, not wanting anything from him and certainly not depending on him, guess what...? He is waking up and taking steps in the right direction. Little does he know it is too late now. I feel very good about my decision and have peace. My suggestion to you is do what I did, now, instead of waiting. Your H may sit up and take notice and may not. Decide how you want to live the rest of your life. Sitting back and waiting is no fun and can turn out to be a total waste of time. I will say this much, if your H is controlling, he will not like the changes. When he sees it does him no good and you keep growing, he will either have to change to keep you or decide you are not what he wants after all. Tough reality, but do you want to waste a lot of years?
My kids are nearly all grown and he has put them and me through hell at times. We all need counseling now and will get it. I have already started. He needs help and I hope he gets the kind he needs so he can have a happy life. Sometimes people don't take notice untill they absolutly have too. Hope this makes any sense, as I tend to ramble. I'm here for you if you want to talk more.
Take care of yourself!!