I am having difficulty in my efforts to rebuild my marriage because I see an unfair and unbalanced initiative to work toward that goal. I think that in the 13 yrs of marriage I've been the one to hold things together and look for solutions and over time have come to resent that I was the only one putting in the effort (such as suggesting and trying couples therapy). I had an online affair which culminated in a brief meeting after 7 months of virtual EA. I asked OM to meet, told him didn't want sex, he flipped out and emotionally blackmailed me into sex, to which I gave in with some sexual relations but drew the line and had no intercourse. This was last August. In Sept. I "suggested" a break up to OM as I was emotionally torn between him and H. He thought it was temporary and was supportive. In Nov. I completely broke off and his reaction was angry and vindictive. Ever since then till about April, I've had heart wrenching contact with him, feeling deep depression/grief over the loss of emotional support, wanting to hold on to the fantasy of a soulmate, and idealizing him as being devastated without me. The harsh truth hit me when he told me he had sexual chats with other woment and had met other women "for sex only" either during our A or soon after I decided to end it. I, like the woman in Harley's book Surviving an A, was shocked to realize I simply was not THE one and the ONLY one. The anguish over ending that unhealthy relationship was incredible, but eventually, I was ready to return to H and forgive my past angers at him. We have been in therapy for years now, though it didnt work for a long time as he was in denial that there was a problem. He still is in denial bec. he thinks my A was not a "real" A since it was "only" virtual. I decided NOT to tell him the whole truth of the meeting despite the urging of many in this forum that I absolutely had to have radical truth. I talked both to my IC and our MCounselor and both advised me against telling him the truth bec. he simply wouldn't take it well. I don't want to give OM the privilege of wrecking my marriage bec. the physical contact I did have with him is simply NOT worth any mention. The whole attraction to him was emotional and I wanted to meet him to confirm my idea of him was "real" (haha! as if that could be done in 3 days!).
So now what? I have worked VERY hard to avoid LB. I've held in complaining, criticizing, whining, selfish demands etc. But I just don't think he is carrying out HIS end of the bargain.
Example: He likes to sleep late on weekends and I don't. I've tried to talk to him about making plans for the weekend together rather than me waiting around and having no idea what we'll do till he gets up. YEsterday he said he'd be up at 8, but got up at 10:30. I was annoyed, but decided not to say anything as I knew he'd get defensive and maybe we'd fight and I want to avoid LBing. Then I found a major rug cleaning project and immersed myself in washing a big Chinese wool carpet outside in 90degree weather adn worked really really hard. When I was finished, he made a comment that it was a waste of time bec. we have to have the rugs professionally drycleaned anyway. I was pissed! No appreciation or compliment for my hard work and a job damn well done! I told him that he could tell me that at another time, and I didn't appreciate hearing it after I've slaved over the rugs all day. I was mad, but that's all I said.
We have a new puppy whom I've mainly been housebreaking for the last week. Yesterday H decided to make love, but the room door was open and the pup snuck out and peed on another hallway rug. After lovemaking H discovered it and I told him to do nothing as I had the special odor eliminating enzyme cleaner which I needed to use. Minutes later I discover that he soaked the whole corner of the rug with water whcih he's not supposed to do according to cleaner directions, and there was no way to see where the pee stain was and the urine was now spread over a larger area. So annoyed, I told him as calm as I could but still annoyed a touch, if an accident happened again to not do anything bec....etc etc I explained the cleaner directions. He then got defensive (which he ALWAYS does whenever I bring up anything critical/negative no matter how nicely) and said it's not nice of me to tell him that right after we made love bec. it tells him the closeness we just shared was not a real closeness if I can snap so easily right after. Ok, but I was still annoyed about the darn rug and I felt I'm not heard with things that matter to me. So there is a constant struggle about whose needs come first, and I feel that he bullies his needs be met all the time, while giving little regard to mine...and the power struggle continues...
Having ended an A which was an escape from all of these painful disagreements certainly doesn't helpt things as I regret in my mind having ended the A even though I know it was not a meaningful relationship worth missing. If anything, it gave me an illusion of being appreciated, valued, complimented, listened to etc. I hung on to that illusion as if for dear life.
What do I do? How do I go on with a faith and hope things will get better if I'm constantly disappointed?
Thank you for ideas/suggestions/similar experiences .
