been married for 22 years, 2 kids. no money, no property, no credit, and he has a girlfriend. we can't afford to divorce, he wants one i don't i will do anything to keep family together. any suggestions?

matilda:

That one was really a no-brainer. Definitely work on keeping your M together. But do so by working on YOU and keeping yourself healthy and happy FIRST (plan A), and try to get your H to agree to work on your M with you (after ending his A).

You will need to do this work for yourself anyway, whether you stay M'd or not, so you might as well start with the goal of rebuilding your M, if you can.

what are some ways to get husband to try wnd work at it, at times he will, other times he wont.he tries to escape problems. i hate the other woman, how dare someone have an affair with married man, no morals what soever.

Matilda,

Welcome to Marraige Builders!

There are a lot of good articles available on this site. I think that if you will take the time to read all of the info available here your situation will start to seem a little less hopeless.

I've also found the discussion boards to be very helpful. Some of the posters here have found very creative ways to start putting their lives in order without dumping the marraige.

If you don't feel like posting all of the gory details of your situation, just keep reading. It helps to see that you are not alone. I've found it very interesting to see what the men here have to say. (Might help you to better understand what, if anything, is going on in his head!)

I say you might as well give it a try. The key is changing your approach without losing yourself in the proscess. Can't hurt, almost surely will help!

You might try the Emotional Needs board for more input. Many more poeple there who've been where you are and survived!

BW

Matilda?

Hope you are still with us!

Have you had a chance to read some of the MB articles?

Hang in there!

BW

i'm still here. i have read book, his needs, her needs, i have learned alot my husband said he will read it when he returns on monday.he needs to understand that he is alienating himself from me and kids. his plan, stay 2 weeks in town, 2 weeks out of town. my kids don't know any of this. it is very difficult, i'm like a single parent. i have tried to call his friend, she wont speak to me and he gets mad when i call her. she has never been married and has no children, she has no idea what she is partaking in. if i can get my husband to understand what the book states, i know we can work this out, he said he is not attracted to my body, i am 5;3, weigh 145, sixe 10-12, i am not fat though he tells me i am. his father used to beat my husband's brother for being over weight, so he gets it from his father. his parents are on my side, and think he is making a terrible mistake. besides his parents, noone knows. i welcome more advice. thanks

Matilda,

I posted a new topic over on Emotional Needs. I asked for help for you. You will get more responses if you add your replies over there.

Just click on the link below.

Whenever you start a new topic, or add a post, it's smart to check on it at least once each day at first, since people will lose interest after your topic gets buried by new ones! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Here's the link:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=8&t=011676

BW

I agree with BW completely when they say to start working on yourself. I know that it's very hard, and it may seem like you just don't have it in you, but it's the best thing for you.

I tried to hard forcing marriage issues and blame to the WS. It's not worth it. Getting them to feel sorry or remorse so soon is only going to drive them away.

I didn't make any real progress with my W until I began to work on myself. But by then I had LB'ed so much that she didn't want to hear it anymore and decided to move on.

Find as many distractions as you can. God, work, school, kids. Whatever keeps your mind off your H and his actions. Remember, he is in the "fog". It's a horrible thing to try to fight ... for both of you ... so you almost have to leave it up to him.

And if you continue to work on finding what makes you happy ... you have a better chance of making it down this long road, whether you stay married or not.

Without it ... you are nearly sure to fail.

I wish you luck.

I realized something kind of wierd while following the MB program... In myself, I'm much more friendly and willing to do stuff for my H when my emotional needs are being met.

So along with what everyone else is saying, maybe you could find out if your husband has any emotional needs that you could fill. Perhaps he would be more open to seeing your way....

Anyway, if I were you, the last thing I'd want to do is ask him what he wants and give it to him.

But at some point his Love Bank would become full and he then might be very generous in meeting your needs and fixing the M. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ August 24, 2002, 04:00 AM: Message edited by: blueberryskies ]</small>

thanks for your words.i am working, have worked 9 years. my husband works hard, but isn't successful, too many bills and college coming up next year for 1 kid.i do work on myself, working out a couple days a week, taking care of house and kids, and work full time, and he travels half time so i'm already like a single parent.i realize i am dependant on him. married right out of college, so this has been my whole life.i don't believe in divorce, nothing to do with religion, i just am very for marriage.i don't always go on line everyday, the kids usually hog computer and i like to do this sight privately, they have no idea what is going on.thanks

Mathilda,

Hi and welcome to the forum. It would be really helpful if you coul expand your story and tell us more about your marriage, the affair, and how you believe the two of you have gotten to this place. The more information you give. The better others can help you.

For today....go and look at Plan A on this site. Plan A is designed to end infidelity. It consists of stopping all Love Busters (and you may need to identify what those are) and filling your husbands most important emotional needs. How does this stop affairs? Well, what it does NOT do is change your husband. It changes YOU. It makes you the best wife that you can be, and THAT often motivates your husband to change.

Plan A is hard. You are the one who is being decieved and hurt, and still it is you that has to do all the work. It isn't fair. And yet, it does work.

In the meantime, I would look at developing some kind of independent income of some sort. You are in a difficult situation because you do not have the freedom to make any choice but to remain in this marriage even if he continues to see this woman. You can hopefully figure out a way to help yourself be stronger financially for what ever future decisions you may need to make, and financial burdens can often cause huge problems for marriages anyway. So bringing in some extra cash is a win/win situation.

Good luck to you....keep posting

M,

We were posting simultaneously and I see that you already have a full time job....what does your husband do? Is there some financial counseling...it's free in many places....that could help you two consolodate your bills so you could breath a little easier on the money front?

Matilda,

Creative ideas for getting computer time:

*Let the kids see you exploring a site that they find really boring...FlyLady.net would work, it's about housecleaning, but any dull hobby will do. They'll think you are dumb and boring and leave you alone!

*Get online early, before everyone else is up.

*Go to the library. You can use the computers there, nobody cares what you are doing!

Of course the best thing in the long run is to quit hiding. Even little kids know when thier parent's marraige is in trouble. My guess would be that yours are very aware that things aren't right, and they don't want to break the family tradition of pretending all is well, even when lives are falling apart!

Is it really better to look good than to feel good? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Can you log on with your own screen name, keeping the password to yourself?

Obviously there have been problems for a long time. Your H has chosen to take the easy way out, have an A, adding to the problem.

You can be proud that you have made the choice to take a pro-active stance instead of finding your own lover and dumping the marraige. I'm sure he would choke on his cornflakes if he thought you were cheating on him! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

This dude has got you trained to keep the homefires burning while he walks all over you.

Stand tall! Don't be ashamed!

i do get on computer early, it is 6;30 am now. i talked to h laST night, he told me of his next travel plans, for business, but she lives there so it is mostlt to see her. the dates conflict with open house at school and homecoming, i asked him to chang plans, he said why, ; DOES HE HAVE TO HOLD KID'S HANDS?"he just doesn't get it. when poeple do get divorced, they usually don't move across country, he has no idea what he is doing.i have worked for 9 years, full time with benefits, etc. recently my job changed rules which would make me work 4 nights a week till midnight, i wouldn't do it, so i left my full time starus and am now part time, which pays the same, but not as many hours, thus less of a paycheck.i am working with job coach but is hard to find a job that will pay what i am making hourly now.he has good job, but is commission.in 2 months he will receive huge check which is enough for a couple years, but that is when he plans on making his move to leave and move cross country,(i'm almost positive.)kids no i am unhappy with all his travel,but we never argue and we do things together so the kids really don't know.he told me he loves her, not me, then he apologized for telling me his feelings.he comes from an emotionally problemed family, and has done very well for himself, till he got involved with her. he stays with her they go out, eat well, sleep late, no kids, stress, no real life, they are in fantasy world. if he does leave us, it wont be pretty because i am done sticking up for him, let people see him for the jerk he really is, including his own kids, who he will be setting terrible example for, this will effect their own future relationships in life. he is in a fantasy dream world and thinks it wont mattter to them if he sees them every few weeks.i don't understand how a person thinks like this.i'll wait for feedback, thanks

Mathilda,

There is no doubt that he IS in a fantasy fog. Telling him so though, will only make the fantasy look better. Did you read about Plan A....because that is what will help you get your husband back. This OW is not asking him to meet responsibilities or obligations....and as unfair is it most definitely is....if what few opportunities you have to see your husband are spent talking about problems it is going to work against you. You have a truly hard task and I know you're hurting, but it will take all of your strength to fight for your marriage. Start thinking about how to be the best person and wife you can be...and stop concentrating on him. You can't change him. But you can change you.

Ditto to what Starfish said...not fair, not easy, but you are the one who is willing to do the work right now.

It can't hurt to try!

BW

he came back in town yesterday, i picked him up from airport, i went to kiss him on lips he turned so i'd kiss him on cheek. i am trying plan a,i need a way to keep him off computer, he not only talks to her on line, but other women too. he definately is addicted and i want desperately to help him.my son came alive yesterday once husband came home, for 2 weeks he had been moping around, but wont admit he misses his dad.he brought home book, second chances. i started reading it, he said he will read book his needs her needs.if when i walked in his office last night and asked if he'd come to bed soon(11:30), he said stop telling him what to do. nothing i say or do is right.i want so badly for my marriage to work.i am really afraid and feel alone, i put up a great front and smile all the time, but when i start thinking about it it kills me inside. anyw3ay i am looking at this with a positive attitude, that he will come around, i will keep trying.

we have had dinner together all week with kids and it has been so nice. he agreed, but in next breath he tells me he's not attracted to my body. we work out together at gym a few times a week when he is in town.i'm trying plan a. sure hope it works.

it is difficult to be so nice. it was 11;15 and he said he'd come to bed at 11;00. he was typing memo for work, he said he doesn't l;ook at watch, doesan't like being disturbed, and i am a gustopo. he sure knows how to hurt me.he definately has problems. i am strong, but i feel myself getting weaker.a kind word here or there would help. he is probsably thinking of her.it makes me sick. well, i'm going to bed.

Matilda,

I wrote a nice, long response to you last night, but got bumped offline twice, lost everything I wrote, and had to get to bed. Sorry!

I'm about to get the little ones up for school, but just wanted to let you know I read your posts.

Don't be discouraged, his behavior is totally typical. It is way too early to expect any change in his attitude.

I've got a busy morning and afternoon, but I have some ideas and encouragement for you...probably will have time to post this evening.

My H and I have not had any affairs, so my personal experience relates only to his refusal to actively participate in the marraige, and emotional/verbal abuse and neglect.

If any BS's out there can give Matilda some perspective, please do!

Chin up, Matilda, you are on the right track!

BW