I kicked out my husband a week ago, because he didn't trust me about an internet friendship (male) and violated my email box to read my messages. He was wrong to doubt me. We also have been having lots of problems, financial, at work, we hardly saw each other, and we have a small child of course...
Until I visited this website, I was convinced I didn't love him and divorce was the best solution for us all. But then I started having doubts and saw it was possible to rescue our family without sacrificing anyone. That's what I want, but my husband says he doesn't. He's willing to solve things so we can be friends but he is determined to fight anything more that might come up. Will I be able to do it by myself? Specially because he's out of the house and won't return, he's so stuborn!
I've given him almost every pages I found here, already underlined and all for easy reading. I've explained how our situation is here described and can be solved to make us happier than ever. He still hasn't read a thing, but today I got him to comit to solve this so we can be our baby's best parents even if we divorce.
He will come to our house everyday to stay with our daughter until I come home from work (my parents keep her most of the day, but can't keep her ALL day) and we agreed to apply some principles, like being nice, caring for each others needs, talking about everything we do and how we feel about it, etc. We also have set a «family day», so our daughter can go out with both her parents, not just one of us.
Will this work? I'm guessing it will, I know him for 12 years, been together for 10, so I can see which are the Love Busters and us going to where we were so many times: being only friends, we couldn't avoid being a couple.
I just know our Love Bank isn't down to zeros, or I wouldn't care for this and the way I see it, I've been sufering way more than him, it's just that he decided (as always) it's easier to run than to employ some effort in building this family.
What do you all think? Any advice? Words of encouragement, please... I feel like I'm setting myself for more pain, but I HAVE to try it for my daughters happiness. THANKS!

Kya, yes you can do it by yourself. It'll just seem like it's taking a long time and you'll think you're not getting anywhere, when all along, he'll be taking it all in and pondering it.

I do have one thing to say about your internet friendship. Even though you know that it is friendship only, the fact that it hurts your husband so much he stoops to snooping in your e-mail, has to be enough to make you end it right away. That's one of the deals when you're married. You care enough about your spouse that you stop doing stuff that really causes them pain...even if you don't understand what their problem is or you think their attitude is dumb.
It just works that way. When issues like that come up, you need to step back and remember that your spouse is way more important to you than any friend you have on the 'net.

Kya:

Yep. You can do this by yourself, but why not work 2ward getting your H involved?

As for the internet friendship. Your H didn't know about it, so it was inappropriate. Consider it an emotional affair and end it completely, cold turkey. Don't whine, this is the RIGHT THING TO DO.

Snooping may seem disgusting 2 you, but if he felt he needed 2 do it 2 get info that you weren't giving him, then you should know from reading on this website that the authors of MB believe that snooping is perfectly okay. Just don't do anything that he'd need 2 snoop 2 find out. It's that simple.

But this sounds like a piddly reason 2 throw him out of the house. What else is going on in your M? Why are you so pi$$ed off? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hi. I have already posted the details also in "recovery" in the infidelity board, I was confused since it was my first post here so I placed it were it happened lol.
Of course I didn't tell him to leave just because of the snooping, in fact I didn't even argue with him when he showed me my printed emails. I had told him about my friend and he knew all the details, I even told him he could read the emails. But he decided not to trust me and go around me. I got pissed when I couldn't login any of my email accounts nor my Yahoo groups, where I own a portuguese moms group that could end up deleted because of what my husband did. That's when I particulary disliked what he did.
But then he told me to go ahead and read his emails too, that his password was saved. I wouldn't do that ordinarily, but I was so mad that I did do that. I found emails dated a year ago from an ex-girlfriend of his sending him sweet kisses, all her love and arranging a meeting to "talk better". I remember finding a message in his cellphone, that he had sent to someone, a year ago, where he wrote something like "every time the wind caresses your face, remember it's me kissing you in silence. Just to say goodmorning...". At that time I asked him what was that all about, he said he couldn't remember, it was something he sent some friend and I decided to trust him then. But when I found the emails, one of which was sent on our anniversay, I felt so betrayed and naif for so long I lost my mind and put his bags by the door.
I ended up the internet friendship that same day, not that he asked me so, but because I also didn't feel like talking to the guy anymore, since it had brought me so much troubles and pain.
In the first week away, my husband didn't even want to conceive the possibility of solving things and rebuilding our marriage for us and for our baby's sake. But since I found out this site and have been understanding a lot more about what happened to us and how we had been undermining each others love, I have changed and that seems to be bringing him back as well. Recently, he even said something beginning by "IF we ever get together again" and that was a big victory to me.
I have given him the questionaires to fill, I'm still waiting for the answers, mine are ready to discuss, but I'm completely faithful about our recovery. I also had searched and found I didn't love him anymore, but when the anger started to fade, I could see the bottom of my heart and still found love there. He's also beginning to see that in him. So there's hope and we'll make it. I already told him I don't want him "back" as "back" means going into the same situation; I want him "new" and I will also be "new" and we'll start over again with the advantage of already having so much in common and so many learnt lessons in the past.