I am new to this board and this is my first post... I am looking for advise on whether I should give up on my marriage and sign the divorce papers. Let me give you the history of my marriage... I started dating my H when I was 15 and he 17. We dated almost continually for 6 years. We married 4/96. Since the beginning of our marriage, things were going wrong. He lost his father 2 weeks into our marriage and he took that very hard and still does. But when he would get mad, he took his frustrations out on me. At first it started with just yelling, then escalated into throwing things, then pushing me, and eventually after time grew to hitting me. He didn't do it often, but it was enough. After 3 years of marriage and one night of bad physical abuse, I left him. I moved me and my son in with my parents. He begged for forgiveness and even went to anger management counseling. After two months of counseling, I moved back home with the understanding that if he hit me again for any reason, I would leave and never come back. The first 6 months that I came back things were great. He didn't fight with me or anything. We had a 'normal' marriage. Things were going well, or so I thought. Then the arguing started...it seemed like not a day would go by that we weren't screaming at each other. Then we would have the big fight about Divorce and he would take off his wedding ring and leave for a night and then come back the next day and apologize and ask for another chance and I gave it to him. Things stayed like that for the next several months. Then earlier this year, around April or May, we decided that we didn't want our son to hear the way we fight and bicker so much, that we needed to change. But we never got help on how to change. We never read anything, never asked for help, never sought advise. I thought we were doing pretty well at not fighting. There were an occasional arguement or attitude or something small or simple, but they weren't as bad as the ones in previous years or months before. But after one night, he decided he was leaving. He said that he loved me and that he loved his son, but he couldn't be unhappy anymore. He filed for a divorce and already has the paperwork started. I seen the draft of the divorce papers yesterday. I know that through this seperation of ours the last two months that I have come to a realization that I love him now more than I did in April of this year. I don't want to end our marriage without giving it one more chance with some professional help. I think we could benefit from seeing a marriage counselor. He admits that he still loves me and he says he will always be here for me if I need anything, but he doesn't want to try anymore. He said after 6 years of marriage, he's tired of trying. Although I think we haven't really tried, we just tried to forget about the past and move on. Do you think that I should just sign the papers and let go? (like he wants) or try and get him to go to counseling and see if there's anything worth saving? If anyone has any ideas or advise for me I would love to hear from you.

I am new here, too and wanted to welcome you to MB. Read all the other posts - they are great information. I would also recommend reading all Harly's books. Stick with it - I wouldn't sign the papers if I still had hope....

I am struggling with that right now. My w & I are friends more than lovers. I don't know why she never wanted to get help before. We never worked on us & it might be too late now. I am going to give it a shot & see what happens. Don't have any regrets w/o first trying to work through things. It is hard. You are not the only couple going through it. People do get better. I pray that you will too. Try so regardless of what happens you both can tell your son that you both worked on things. This site has helped me alot & gives me a little peace.

If you still have hope that your marriage will survive, you must first exhaust all options to improve it. My H and I are going through a similar situation. We have tried to fix things ourselves, with family, with friends and now with a counselor. Things are improving tremendously for me and I pray the same for you. Keep your chin up.

Thanks so much to all that have responded. I think that I'm at the end of my rope. It seems that I can't hold on any longer. I'm trying to find a counselor in my area that will see just me and help me work on the marriage. I'm thankful for a site like this, that helps people like me look for the answers. If anyone else has any advise I'd love to hear it. Thanks Again.

Hi Butterflykisses175,

Never, ever, ever, ever give up!!!!! Keep reading, posting and learning. This can work out!

Hi,

I am sorry that you are going through such a difficult time. I agree, it is important to never ever give up. It doesn't sound like he beats you that much, and as long as you don't end up in the hospital you can handle it. Just be sure that you both keep going to counseling because it WILL get better.

Keep the faith,

Gordo

I'm going through the same situation except that a divorce is not going through yet. I am seperated though and right now I have those same questions you have. Many chances I've given him before. It seems like a cycle to me. I've tried to get him to read Harley's concepts but he doesn't understand much english, just spanish. Domestic violence is though. I'm not even sure if it's fixable.

I would say dump him

Thanks again for all the responses...

just to clarify...H doesn't hit me anymore. He hasn't in almost 2 years. He did seek counseling for his anger, but he will not seek counseling now for the marriage. We talk civilly and are trying to be friends...but he doesn't want to come back home and be a family. My heart keeps breaking, because there is still something between us. The way he looks at me, the chemistry is still there between us. I know that he has already filed for the divorce, but I am still praying that there will be some kind of miracle take place and he will realize that he does want the marriage to work.

As a man, I fail to understand why any woman would stay with a man who hit her - even once! My sister was involved with a man a few years back who hit her becauses she was having lunch with an old friend. Well,do you know what she did? She moved out the very next day, got a restraining order and then returned to the house with the police to retrieve her personal belongings! Never saw or talked to him again!

Butterfly, if he will agree to counselling, that's great. If he doesn't agree, I think you should thank your lucky stars that you survived the abuse and lived to tell the tale.

It is NEVER acceptable for a spouse to abuse another--physically OR verbally or emotionally. Forgiveness is important for your own healing and I really hope that you do have some reasons to hope for a better day. It is significant that H has not hit you in 2 years but I detect more than a hint of emotional blackmail happening in your situation.

You are a woman of worth. You ARE special. You are worth loving. Please believe those truths about yourself whatever the outcome.

You also have the right to live in a safe and caring environment.

Believe me, I am generally the hopeless romantic but when it comes to abuse, I beg you to be careful--for your own sake and the safety of your family and friends.