I met a police officer about 5 months ago. I knew he was involved but he always talked about this relationship in short terms. I began having a friendly relationship with him. We would meet when he was on duty at night, We talked about nothing really important. We were just getting to know each other. It was fun, He made me laugh and he made me not so afraid of being in a new place thousands of miles away from everyone and everything I have ever known. The relationship turned sexual just one time and a couple of weeks later I found out by accident that I am pregnant. I thought I had the flu and went to the doctor. When I finally managed to pull myself somewhat together I called "P" and told him. He then informed that between the time we had been together and that day (about a three week laps) he got engaged. He is getting married in a couple of months. He asked if I would consider having an abortion because he could not afford another child and it would put his relationship in jeopardy if she were to find out. I have not had much contact with him since the day I told him, I have called him a couple of times and he has called me a couple of times but we are not talking about the serious issue that we are faced with. I am so scared and I feel so alone. I am not sure if I can raise another child on my own, I am already the single parent of 8 year old. I am so ashamed that I allowed this to happen. I don't know how I am going to find the courage to face my family. I do not know hardly anyone in the area I live in. I am 3000 miles from home and he is pretty much the only friend I have outside of work. I have no one to turn to that I can trust. Should I force him to be a father? A part of me wants to tell his girlfriend and then a part of me wants to let it go. I am angry with him for not being more of a man. He had a son that died when he was a small child. The little boy had down syndrome, "P's" medical histroy scares me. Being a single parent will be hard enough add a sick child to that and life will be nothing like I have ever known. If anyone has any advice, I could really use it right now.

I'm pregnant as well, except married, I'm glad that you're seeking support, being so far from friends and family.... but, you need to go with your gut on this one. Any man that creates a child has a legal responsibility to that child, usually 20% of income after taxes.

More men need to realize that sex leads to kids. My friend got preg. after one night, and a girl came to my high school years ago with her baby to warn us that she had gotten preg after her first and only sexual encounter. I really don't think that men can comprehend babies as easily as women, for all of the obvious reasons.

About him for asking for you to get an abortion: At least he was honest and told you that he wants you to do that to protect HIS current interests. This info gives YOU a lot of insight into his state right now. Considering that you will most likely have a child with him, the more truthful information the better!!!!

If you are considering taking him to court for support, you may want to consider if he is controlling or vindictive. He may be difficult to deal with as far as custody/visitation. Or, he may want nothing to do with the baby which would hurt as well.

Either way, I feel for you. I'm sorry that you are in this situation, lord knows that pregnancy is physically demanding enough without being isolated.

edited to say that I didn't vote on the poll, my advice is to trust your intuition, but that you DO have a legal right to child support

Take care,
-blueberry

<small>[ October 09, 2002, 04:21 AM: Message edited by: blueberryskies ]</small>

You need not be ashamed. A baby is a blessing. Downs Syndrome is not a sickness. It is a congenital defect. I have a son that is 12 and he is just a joy....

I agree Freshie! I've been on a parenting forum since I found out about the pregnancy. All the women say that they don't care about the sex of the baby, as long as it's healthy.

Any child is a gift and has wonderful potential. No one is perfect, even without percieved problems. Yes, children with special needs require different care, but that doesn't mean they have nothing to offer the world. Quite the opposite!
-blueberry

Hi Sweetheart, I am so sorry you are in this dilemma after looking for love & friendship. But things happen for a reason, right?
My first instinct is to tell you to that you MUST make the best parental decision for your child and possible future child. Do you want this new one to grow up without a father? It can be done, as it is every day, but sometimes with dire consequences in self-esteem, guidance, etc. not only for the child, but for the mother as well. Do you want to start again with 2 children, by 2 different fathers? It's too late now, but you need to protect yourself in the future (pill, IUD, condoms, etc.) so you don't feel so used physically and now emotionally.
You sound like a strong and loving woman, although alone without much support. Having another child by yourself is going to be very, very hard. You will at times feel more alone than you are now.
You need to weigh the options of all that and then think about what it's going to take having a baby again. It sounds like you entered into this "relationship" knowing clearly the limits. Now that they have been pushed, you need to decide, as a mother, what is really the best thing to do for your child(ren). Sometimes, not having a baby IS the best parental decision, so do not feel bad if you decide not to. You can call planned parenthood to talk with a councelor and discuss your needs.
It really should not up to you to tell this guy's girlfriend, that would only cause anger and pain (sadly, I imagine she has absolutely no idea about you). But you absolutely must discuss this with him.
I know men who have children they didn't know about until much later (after they had new families), that "discovery" was not good for anyone involved.
Think about yourself, your child and your possible new child, in that order, in how the future will unfold. The answer is within your heart as what to do. It won't be easy, good luck.

I have a question for you Chandra

Where is your resposiblity to your self?
You knew he was in a relationship why did you have unprotective sex with him in the first place?

You can't force no one to be a father even if they pay CS that doesn't mean he has to be part of that child life.

Now why would you tell his girlfriend that's between him and his girlfriend. It would appear you would be trying to create a bigger problem then you already have. She will find out, trust me without you putting your hand in it.

He will only resent you for doing so you need to take full resposibilty for your action. you are no victim you were a willing participant.

Not excusing him, he had no busines cheating. Some men will only do what we allow them to do. We women need to stand up and stop being dormats and take pride in who we are. Stop looking for love in all the wrong places.

Another thing when a man tells you he's in a relationship use your head and bounce, not your body there are so many women who suffer from low self esteem we allow ourselves to endure anything.

Not being harsh just being honest this cycle needs to stop this is part of the reason why this society is so dysfunctional we as a people have no values.

Chanda,

Here is my advice, take what you need and throw away what you don't...

First off, being married to a police officer who had a three night stand with ex-ow and created an illegitimate child out that, I can see both sides of the issues that you face. (I was a single mother also at one time raising two girls). I'm also pregnant now, due 05/15.

From the sounds of what you wrote, this guy isn't serious about anything...if he made his relationship out to be short term with his now fiance, it's either a. he lied to you to get into your pants or b. he's the cheating kind regardless... you don't need an unstable man like that in your life as well as your child(dren)'s lives either should you choose to keep the child.

Pregnancy, as you know because you have a child from a previous relationship, is an emotional time. He already stated he wants you to have an abortion. Regardless of how you feel on that issue, if it is not an option for you, there's adoption and if you choose to keep the child, he is financially obligated. (Most likely he'll insist on dna testing first before he pays for anything). You are away from your family and you have no one where you are at and he is most likely not a candidate to be there emotionally for you, especially since he does not want a child.

From experience, being married to an officer, his job will probably keep him from you most of the time also, if he does choose to be involved. I am alone alot while my husband works triple shift to pay for his mistake. We have no contact with the OC, as per my Husband's choice. (OW is unstable and wanted to undo our marriage and hurt my kids in the process).

You have alot to decide and only you know what you are capable of and what you can handle. From the looks of it, you will probably be alone. I wouldn't trust that man if my life depended on it.(or my child's life).

I read that you wrote, "should I force him to be a father?" you cannot force anyone to be a father...he is obligated financially and he can cut you off and not have contact or give you sole care and custody of the child. Telling his girlfriend/fiance is no good either...she will know when the DNA testing comes out and he is obligated by court to pay financially. That guy has alot on his plate figuring out how to tell her and to try to keep you off his back. It isn't easy and I'm not sticking up for him. He's a jerk.

The best thing I would do, if I were in your shoes, would be to sit down, and realistically think about what I can and cannot do and what is best for the unborn child. If abortion is out (it would be for me, my personal belief, may not be yours and that's ok too) then I would go the adoption route as my life would not be in the position to be a single mother of two. My Husband wanted to adopt the OC to a loving family of a mother and father, as he knew he wasn't going to be a part of that child's life...OW kept the child and until she married recently, was on welfare and the kid lived in poverty. Her mother's choice.

Pregnancy is an emotional time enough as it is and you will need to make wise decisions.

I feel for you and I read your post with great interest. I hope you come to a conclusion that would work best for you.

Hugs and prayers,
Twiisty