I am recently engaged to a beautiful, smart and caring person. We currently live together and had been planning to marry next year. We have both been divorced, so we thought that living together might help us avoid many of the pitfalls that we encountered in our first marriages.

We were attending pre-marital counseling to deal with topics that were coming up in our relationship. During this time, the counselor became convinced that my future bride may have a disassciative disorder which prevents her from stopping herself from engaging in destrcutive behaviors in our relationship. At this point, my future bride refused to go back to the counselor. She insisted that she could control her feelings of anger, and she did for a while.

Recently, she has applied for a new job which will cause her to travel. I am not happy about this change and when I expressed this, she said I could deal with it or get out because it is what is best for her. Whenever I want to do something that impacts us and she does not like it, I am expected to consider our "team". When I ask her to do the same, the old anger surfaces and she will not talk with me. I either have to accept or give up on the relationship. If she doesn't take the job, she believes she will be unhappy, but if she does, I believe I will be unhappy. She is already in school and that takes up enough of her time. I need some commitment to me.

I am beginning to believe there is no way I can exist in this relationship. I have to change to meet her needs, which I have probably been too willing to do because I was inflexible in my previous marriage. She refuses to hear me out on how I feel. Should I just move on? Most of the time, she is supportive and considerate, but when it came to continuing counseling and this job, I have no voice.

Help!

<small>[ October 26, 2002, 04:13 PM: Message edited by: mark445 ]</small>

You answered your own questin Mark.
What would you think if you read this letter from another person?
There are hugh red flags all over the place. I suspect your counselor is right on the mark.
How can you have a life time relationship with someone who has great anger if you do not go along with everything she says and has a self-destructive personality that she refuses to try to change.
If you marry this woman the chances are great you will be miserable and she will continue in her self-destructive ways while she is traveling all the time in her work. You are looking for a lifetime of headache. It seems so obvious and I think you see it two. Wouldn't it be better to find someone else who cares about a relationship, is flexible and engages in positive behavior toward herself and others?
I think you need to face reality that she is simply not good marriage material. It seems to maintain any balance you will have to give in to everything. The counselor has warned you and your inner voice is screaming at you. The answer is a no brainer.

Yeah, I kind of figured that. I guess she has told me so often that I twist things that I have actually started to doubt myself. It's just so weird. Most of the time she is so giving and kind and then BOOM!.......total hatred and anger. I guess I have kind of gotten into the habit of blaming myself.

Thanks....I'll continue to think this over.

Mark,

Read up on the Policy of Joint Agreement on this web site. When people are married they should not do anything with both of them enthusiastically agreeing to it. Since you are planning to get married soon it's say that the job situation is a POJA issue as it will impact your marriage very much. As it stands right now, I don't see how your marriage would work.