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<small>[ November 13, 2002, 01:09 PM: Message edited by: newlywednsad ]</small>

As for the party. I really would not to try and worry too much about that. Did he have friends there with him? If so he may have felt pressured to have the lap dances. I am a man and I know how friends can pressure you into doing something that you really do not want to do at bachelor partys. I would believe him if he said he did not like it. That is if he was pressured to do so. I will go on to say I can see why you feel the way you do if he is not meeting your most important emotional needs. Have you discussed to him what it is that you need from him? For most men meeting someones emotional needs such as affection is a skill to be learned. It is something one has to learn. For most woman this comes natural but for a lot of men it does not. It seems to me with him not meeting your needs it has given you low self esteem. Let him know what is bothering you and what you would like to see change. Also are you meeting his needs? Once couples meet each others needs the relationship will only grow stronger and become more romantic. My wife and I are discovering this. We are beginning to meet each others needs in our relationship and it has enriched our lives together. Try to have a positive conversation with your husband about each others needs. I hope I have not offended you in anyway. Good luck.

epbrown72 -

No offense taken at all. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Thanks for the response so much. I guess I understand, yes - there were eight guys in the wedding party, 6 went (2 refused b/c SO) 2 other's coma, few from HS and out-of-town and others college. We are 23 and only one of the guys is married already, the rest college guys. I guess I am hurt that he could not stand up to them for me though. Isn't our love worth more to him than one night of feeling like whatever it made him feel? The thing is, if they were his friends and mine, they wouldn't of done that. I also did not like, but could get over the going but the private dances too much! He should have done something. Am I being silly? Are strippers hot?

Hi Newlywednsad,

I don't think that you should ever discount your feelings. You have very valid ones. The way you describe it, he does seem a bit insensitive. I would agree that a bachelor party that "didn't" get out of hand isn't a real big deal. The other feelings you have is a big deal. How does your husband express his feelings, his love for you?

Has there been anything in his past or yours that would make him act like this? You have an opportunity to fix your marriage before something bad happens. Have you discussed going to a marriage counselor? Make sure you read over this site on the basic principals, especially meeting each others needs and love busting. I would give anything to go back and know this before. I didn't see the smallest problems we had. They grew quite large. I was a one night stand too late and now have to recover from this. My wife also gave me sign after sign that there were problems. Do you think that your husband would read up on this site?

Keep posting for advice and vent here also. Let us know.

worth it -

Thansk for the post - it is nice. Will he read up on this site, will he do counseling. Yes & No, yes, if I print things out for him, if I highlight and read it to him, if I schedule the appointment and drag him to a counselor maybe he'll do them. But honestly, on his own, he does not think we have any real issues, he says he is so happy and in love why do we need that. he says the party was one dumb night - that's it. . .I am not sure. So yes, he would but only to make me happy. Should I push it or let him come around. I have told him I am unhappy and need more I have printed off articles and pages and tried reading to him - he thinks I am just trying to make him feel badly. . .am I? I feel as if when I stop, the marriage will be over. . .

Hey newlywednsad,

Boy, he sounds alot like me. I just didn't listen until it was too late. I am glad you came here for help. Read up and arm yourself against what could happen and never ever let it. Strengthen your marriage on your end first. The biggest suggestion I can make for him is to "LISTEN". Not just be happy and content because all his needs are being met, it goes both ways!

I ignored so many things! I wouldn't push him though. I did my wife and she pulled away. She saw herself as doing nothing wrong and her having all the answers. So, don't push. I would print some information off little by little and let him read them. Approach it in a way that is not accusing towards him. Just suggestions to make the marriage better. One other thing - don't ever, ever give up! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Worth It -

I must say you sound like you know what you are talking about. You sure seem to have hit the nail on the head. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I am vowing to STOP making him feel like he does nothing right. I keep making him feel like such a jerk, when he is really a great guy, just not exactly what I need him to be. . .yet, but he wants us and he is willing to try. I think you are right he needs to listen and DO and I need to let it go - it hurts, but I cannot change it and can only look into the future and accept my husband with open arms. I think we will make it and in the end, although I wish we could have avoided the whole mess and hurt I think we will be stronger, closer, and more united as a couple. Thanks for your reply. You are so right. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

newlywednsad,

Your in an interesting predicament, but not unsalvageable. Believe me when I say it, relationships can get a lot worse. If you and H don't work this out it will continue to grow like a cancer until someday one or both of you are miserable and looking around at "why have I put up with this".

I few points of advice I'll give, based on learning's from my own misery (put this in the "for what it's worth" bucket if you must):

1. Put the past in the past and leave it there. Sounds like he's admitted his mistake about his lap dance "stupidity".
2. Don't be taken for granted. If he's done this more than once, he'll do it again. Be clear and come to an agreement on what expected GOING FORWARD.
3. His inattention to your needs is troubling. A lot of guys can be selfish & shortsighted (take it from a good example). Sounds like he simply wanted excitement and coddled his buddies (rather than you). Since you seem to think he'll go to counseling, then go. Most men have trouble getting in touch with their feelings because it makes them feel vulnerable, less "manly". You may need to be the patient one, the strong one. Coach him along.
4. Accept that you're not going to get everything. No relationship is 50/50. In fact don't even "keep score" - trust me, you'll go insane if you do. What's important is that you're both happy in the R.....and no one can decide whether your happy or not but you.
5. Use MB's or something of your choice in its place. What matters most is that it works! If it doesn't work, move on to something else or just move on.

Good luck!

<small>[ November 12, 2002, 05:40 PM: Message edited by: Jake ]</small>

I guess I would be angry about the lap dance, but a bacholor party-I think thats the behavior that can easily go along with it. I'd consider it cheating if he were alone in the back seat of a car or a hotel room with her. But at a bacholor party-just poor judgment(but-yes I'd be hurt and angry too)Tell him that's the last bacholor party you would like him to attend!
As far as the other things about your husband. These things can take time-even a lifetime.
Is it possible that you expected a bigger change from living together to being married? It has been only a few months, so please give it more time.Try to accentuate in your mind what you like about him. Try not to be too negative and nag. I used to be the "queen" of these behaviors and it doen't make a man want to love you more-I had to give it up. Except for when I need to be angry and not let it go.
You have the rest of your lives together to work it out. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />