Before we married, my H met my emotional needs. We spent time together, did recreational things together, he listened to me and respected my opinions even when he did not agree. I met his needs sexually and as far as I know everything else he needed. After marriage, he gradually started phasing out our time together, our recreation together, and conversation. He started spending what used to be our time together on home improvement projects (some of which I vehemently disagree with but he ignores that) and he also goes alone to do recreational activities that I am afraid of doing because of the risk of getting injured--skiing, things like that, that I am just too terrified to do even though I have tried to learn. Nowadays, when my opinion is different from his, he judges me wrong and does not accept my feelings/opinions. Here is my question. When I ask nicely for what I need, he ignores me. When I get angry and refuse to let him in bed with me, then he changes back to the way he was before marriage. He treats me with kindness and acts affectionate and loving. Then over time (as he gets sexually satiated) he reverts to ignoring/judging me. Things can be going fine, and then we have sex three nights in a row, and sure as the sun will come up tomorrow, after the sex he acts as if I don't exist and engages in independent behavior, judging and spending no time together. This goes on for days until he wants sex, and he expects me to give it to him without him even giving me any affection for the past however long it's been. Not until I throw a hissy fit and withhold sex again does he treat me lovingly, and then, only until he gets the sex, and then he ignores me--this goes on for days at a time, until he builds up a need for sex. Is it wrong for me to withhold sex to get what I need? What other way is there to get him to meet my needs other than refusing to give him sex, or is this the right way to handle it? And why does he start ignoring me right after a run of great lovemaking? It's getting so bad I don't want to have sex because afterwards, I feel farther away than before. Also our sex is much less fulfilling--to the point now that it is not at all fulfilling for me, because he rushes right to his orgasm as fast as possible and then it's over. Also, when I tell him I want him to be affectionate so I can feel loved, he points to the home improvement projects and says that should be proof enough of his love; why can't I appreciate the projects he completes, and why do I have to be so demanding? But as Dr. Harley points out, you can't appreciate something you don't want, but my H tells me I should want what he thinks I should want. Prime example, I would like jewelry and flowers and cards and clothes, but he feels a kitchen appliance is better for a Valentine's gift. Plus he gave me no gift at all on our wedding anniversary, though I gave him a nice one that he likes and uses. I spent time thinking about what HE would like before I bought this gift. But he does not reciprocate. What can I do? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Pippa,
I'm suprised you've had no replies to this post. However, I have the same thing with my W who is the WS. Whenever I just ignore her she gets real attentive. When I pay attention to her she fades out again.
Sorry I have no advice for you on this but it helps to know someone eles has the same problem. And we're not the only ones.
There's actually a psychological answer for this..It's weird but once some people get married they stop thinking of you as a lover and start to consider you as a blood relative...like a cousin or something. Weird.
Anyway, you're not alone. Stay strong.

Pippa:

My opinion is that each of you are bringing bad things into the marriage. Which is more wrong: you with-holding sex or him with-holding affection? Is there such a thing as being "more wrong"?

MBs has some good questionaires about needs. Download 'em, both of you fill 'em out and try to get to the bottom of it all.

He's showing clear signs of relationship withdrawal. Do you share the same goals in the relationship?

Maybe he sees your with-holding sex as a "weapon" to get what you want. Please keep in mind that a lot of men see the sexual act as the highest form of love. Frankly, if I were in his shoes, the "weapon" thing (my words) would really cheapen it for me.

A bit of advice: you won't get what you need by with-holding you spouses needs. Take from someone who knows!

Jake,
What you say makes sense, and that is why I've been giving him sex with nothing in return for about six months, and he seems totally happy. You are right he is showing clear signs of relationship withdrawal--actually has completely withdrawn--that is, until he wants sex, and then he's back. That's the problem. I am still giving him, as you call it, "the highest form of love" yet he makes no deposits to my love bank. Do I continue to do this indefinitley? I feel like a cheap whore.

Pippa,

A whore? Sweety, you're better than that!

Do you have any common interests (other than sex)? If you do, try working from there first. Build a "bridge". If no common interests - hey, you two are incompatible then. Find something then! The key, and maybe the toughest part, will be to get him to engage in the effort with you. Me....hey, I like the blunt, direct approach. Sit him down and talk to him about it in a calm collective way. Would he fill out a MB questionaire with you????

<small>[ December 03, 2002, 07:08 PM: Message edited by: Jake ]</small>

to be fair here,i half to ask this question. do you know what your exact needs are?it would not be right to with hold from him for a return if you dont know what you want.(if that makes sence)its hard to word this so i dont get you mad.i experienced this in my own marriage.my wife constantly complained of my lack of attention,desire and effection.i admit that i was lacking some but the biggest problem was she always wanted more than i gave.so she could never be happy.if i gave her one kiss a day she wanted two ,so the one i gave didn't amount to anything,simply because its not what she wanted.im' not saying you should settle for less but make sure your realistic in what you expect.and ,make sure you chearish what you do have.instead of nagging over that one kiss(in my case) priase him for it.encourage him.if he feels like anything he does wont satisfy you he may just give up.basically you cant change him.you change yourself.it doesn't seem fair that your the one inhappy and you have to change ,but that is just it,your the one unhappy.he is happy so doesn't see a problem.and he wont.your nagging and even a sit down talk wont do it alone.
think of men as dogs(as hard as that is to imagine...lol)how do you house break a dog,sure you correct when they do wrong,but you also have to reward.thats what i'm talking about with cherishing what (and when) he does anything for you.if he knows you appriciate the smallest of things it may encourage him to do more.i say "may"because some of us(men)are very stuborn.
its something you can try.it certainly cant hurt.

good luck

just because you dont feel the love doesn't mean its not there!