Okay,,it is a long sorted story,,and I will try and make it as breifly as possible. I recently moved to a new city,,so my H didn't have such a long commute,,I gave up my well paying job in the process,,,I was a single parent or 5 yrs. So to me it was very scary to be dependent on someone. We were trying to conceive for 7 months,,and we made a deal to try until the end of summer,,if not,,we would throw in the towel,,and I would look for work. Guess what,,I became pregnant. Well,,at 5 weeks pregnant,,my H was angry because I had gone out to my daughters house for a visit,,and he was bothered that I had gone so long,,complained I never even thought of him for dinner,,etc etc,,my arrival was 7:30pm. I became very annoyed,,and arguing ensued. His final way of getting back at me and punishing me was to take the bank account away from me. That shook the ground right from under me. As time went by,,I have tried very hard to overcome his actions. I became somewhat withdrawn,,trying to figure out a way of dealing with the situation without any fighting,,the more I withdrew the more he would smother me,,it got to the point where that would be the first thing he said in the morning,,continually until it was the last thing he wanted to talk about. The stress levels were getting very high,,,and that is not good for me being that I was pregnant. As the tension mounted,,he got more desperate,,and his final act was to tell me he was leaving me that night. I am sure I had a nervous breakdown. Here I am left,,no money,,pregnant,,not able to get work,,and I still have to care for my 13 yr old daughter. Within the first week of him leaving,,he got very nasty,,changing access codes on bank accounts,,refusing to disconnect the phone so he can keep tabs on me,,you name it. I have an older daughter,,17,,he went so far as to tell her everything I told him in confidence about the troubles I had with her before we met. Now of course,,she wants nothing to do with me. I have been to my doctor,,because of the extreme stress,,being pregnant,,and I will be involved in a support group really soon. Because of his irrational behavior a no contact order has been in place. Except for via email,,,I feel that is the only way of keeping my stress under control and feeling safe. My question is this,,my baby is born in May,,and how are we going to even begin to negotiate and set boundaries,,solve any problems,,when he won't agree to do so?? For the sake of the baby,,we need to come up with some kind of agreement. He has not even offered to help financially to get the baby needs or otherwise. It appears to me,,it is going to be his way or now way. I really need some advice on how to start such negotiations!!

I think the MB guides on negotiation are designed for spouses who want to learn to work better together. They will likely be less effective with someone like your H.

Nevertheless, you may find something there that way help you:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3350_guide.html.

Kathi

thanks for you reply,,,I must have spent all day yesterday looking through that very section,,it did touch on it being one sided,,for negotiations,,but they were all living together. That is what made it hard for me to come up with a starting point. I have taken a conflict resolutions class in the past,,and to try and resolve some problems with him,,but if we run into a pass,,,and I tell him I am going for a walk,,or whatever,,,he basically refuses me to leave. He takes it as a rejection almost. I have sent him this website,,,hoping he will get some information from it. But as of yet,,he has refused to respond. Maybe I should just stop trying and chalk it up to a lost cause,,to argue over the court systems?? Thanks for you reply <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Dear Help,

First, please be kind to yourself. It seems you are aware of increases in your stress levels, so find ways to back off, and relax and re-cuperate your strength, when stress levels rise.

Marriage Builders Suggest Plan A and Plan B. Plan A is trying to communicate in a resonable manner, and Plan B is cutting off Communication, after Plan A has failed.

It is not clear when you will need to get an attorney to get money to support you and your unborn child. It seems that getting an attorney is a card that you hold, that you could politely say or write to H, "Can you give me some money soon, or what would you like changed in order that you can provide a reasonable amount of money? When should I give up trying to negotiate with you, and hire an attorney?"

You should probably start getting documentation together to document the amounts that you lost, and find an interim attorney to advise you how to safekeep your records.

Being pregnant changes your emotional perspectives in unexpected ways. Your H is also problably going through emotional changes. So to negotiate, the original understandings need to be put in the context of the current and future expectations.

You seem to be uncomfortable hiring an attorney, yet that is a strong bargaining chip for you. It is best to find your strengths and bargain from strength. You should probably start looking for an attorney who can put a marriage back together, becasue many attorneys are just as happy to get you divorced without ever trying to save your marriage. Some attorneys will give you a flat fee for a divorce, and you really can't expect much more time from the attorney, than what is required for a divorce. You should at least find an attorney that is willing to suspend proceeding with suppport and divorce litigation, if you feel that progress is seeming to be made with H.

You seem to have a vision of your H particpating with the raising of the child due in May. Is this your vision, or does H want custody of the baby?

You have not mentioned any special needs that the child might have. Have you tried to look at what is ahead? What is your husband intending to invest in raising the child, emotionally, in addition to what you may be able to obtain through litigation?

You said that your husband intended to punish you for your outburst, by confiscating your bank account. You have not mentioned the aspect of fear. The fact that he turned your 17 year old daughter against you sounds more like he is frightened of you, and of what you said in your outbursts. Your husband refusing therapy gives another clue to fear. Fear has many disguises, and you may wish to contact a professional who can assist you with an assessment of your husband based on the biographical information you can provide. The Scientology book Science of Survival describes how to better understand the true motivations of people, including disguises of fear.

Perhaps you can attempt to focus on the choices you have, and provide your H an opportuniity to make reasonable requests before you pull a lever on the powers you have. You have not given a list of what he has mentioned that he would like changed.

The incident you described, where he was using love busters, and then you used love busters back, indicates that you can work on some self-displine yourself, because regardless of what a great agreement you work out, it won't work if you are going to use lovebusters. You need a safe place, but H's ego may be more fragile than he lets on. Withdraing is one way to deal with love busters, but some gentle phrases to ask the person to stop using lovebusters so you can start to listen to him, may be helpful. Or finding positive aspects in each cutting reemark wouild be helpful. Wreite down each cutting remark you have heard, then write a constructive response to each cut.

I looked for further posts, but did not see any listed,

Best wishes,