Negotiators,

I see that no one has a post on this section, yet under emotional Support there are quite a few posts, that negotiation seems to be in order. I'm an H Married 27 years and have taken courses in negoitation. I am still learning how to negotiate in marriage.

How do you find the right time? Often it appears to be the wrong time. I try to make up my wish list, and put together brief phrases to express my desires, in a way that allows W to delay answering my requests. My initial step is to at least lay out my wish in a neutral manner, and see what reaction I get.

Wishes can be difficult or easy, or easier at some other time. I try to give in quickly to any wish that W has, that can be done quickly and easily. Hopefully, that will earn credits in the love Bank.

Since reading the concept of agreement in MB a few days ago, I have discussed the concept of Agreements with my W.

W accused me of being unreasonable about Christmas plans, and I responded that we had not had an agreement, and that I had never been consulted, and that it would be better if we tried to do things by discussions before she made committments, plans or promises. For that moment, she agreed with me.

So I will try to discuss things in terms of consultation and plans.

I am delaying some things, based upon her lack of suport, and I pointed out the things that I am delaying, pending her fuller support.

Hopefully, this will convey the idea that she can delay some things she is planning, until she gets more enthusiasm from me.

The budget is an area with room for more enthusiastic suport for each other's expenses. As H, I should have a mystical power of command, but I have not figured out where the button is.

If there is to be an agreement, there needs to be a mechanism for enforcement. Since I don't have a magic ring, I need to rely upon more conventional withdrawals. Perhaps trading in kind breaches is a tactic. "You did not do X as we agreed, so I am not doing Y, and I had agreed."

I have a ways to go

Dear Fellow Marital negotiators.

Expaning on my previous post,

There is a part of negotiation preparation that can be conduted with the OS, Other Spouse, when OS is in a Taking mode. The preparation is to find out what the spouse really wants. In order to negotiate effectively, a Spouse must understand the list of desires in the mind of the other spouse, and a rank ordering of the desires, and the magnitude of the desires, and the cycles when each unfulfilled desire becomes more important.

When reading the Emotional Needs section Posts, few spuoses lay out clearly, a list what the other spouse thinks is needed.

When my W is going off on me, in Anger, I should be asking the quessions, What would you like to do? What would you like to have? and What would you like to be? (Scietolgy processing questions) This would enable me to better make a list of what OS wants, and the rank ordering.

So just because negotiation cannot take place, does not mean that negotiation should be neglected. Invaluable information can be learned from outbursts.

Bringing honesty to the fore front, in order to improve a relationship, should, in my opinion, be done with more caution than MB recommends. The important part of honesty is to communicate your feelings of what you truly want from your spouse. If there is something that a spouse is withholding, that should be thought over, and see if some harmless phrasing can be developed to communicate that desire. If no phrasing for the desire can be formulated, it should be calendered to be revisisted for further thought, before much more time passes.

An important part of negotiation is to have your own list of desires in good order.

Hope some others will share differing points of view.