My husband and I have been doing really well lately, but yesterday I found an e-mail, on his work e-mail, to the OW that he had sent on Friday, but it was completely work related, there were no extra words to it, just an order that he needed. The problem is that we have agreed that no matter what the contact is, that he will always tell me of any contact with the OW. He didn't tell me and when I found it I was very upset, I told him that I was upset that he didn't tell me, not about the contents. He said that he didn't want to have a confrontation about it and didn't believe that I wouldn't get upset about it if he told me. I told him that I wouldn't have been happy about him having to send it and asked how it could be avoided in the future, but that I only get upset about work related contact when it's kept a secret. He was in a deep depression about it all day and said he felt "like he was drowning", that he had a huge knot in his stomach. Later he left a romantic card and flowers in my car, but continued to be depressed throughout the evening. I had called our MC when I first found out and was so upset, hoping she could calm me down. She said that she didn't think I should keep checking his e-mail and that should be part of the building trust. I disagree, what do you think?

No Responses? Help me guys! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

solsrchng - I don't post much anymore - mostly lurk. I wanted to reply to your post as I experienced similar difficulties during recovery 3 yrs ago. After a time, when contact occurred, it became easier for H to tell me, especially when I responded calmy to new discoveries. This built his trust in me - that I would not blow up like I had in the beginning.

In my opinion, and I believe MB philosophy, honesty and openness is necessary to successful recovery. Whatever measures you need to help reestablish trust are necessary - including full disclosure of any contact. It likely is your H's fear that any conversation about OW will be a bad one, so he is avoiding conflict altogether.

I also learned the hard way that I should have given him some credit for keeping the emails that did come impersonal - He knew I could check anytime I wanted, so he thought telling me was a moot point.

For a while, I was so hard-nosed about any contact, and gave him such a hard time, that it worked against me - he avoided honesty for fear of my reaction. Once I let it go, he was more forthcoming, and the issue quickly became a non-issue and contact stopped completely. I am not suggesting that this would work for everyone, but it did in my situation and later H told me that part of it was just because of his stubborness at feeling "controlled", and being told what to do.

I would suggest using POJA guidelines to jointly come to agreement about what he will do in the future.

I would also suggest you post this in the recovery threads to get more tips:) You seem to be moving along in recovery, and there are a lot of great people there that can help.

Hang in there!

B

I was struck at how similar our situations are. Some of the things you said were right on the mark. We had our MC session last night and the one thing we had some tension over was that I was the one who asked for the block to her e-mails and actually set it up and he didn't like the "control thing", said that was what bothered him about it.

It likely is your H's fear that any conversation about OW will be a bad one, so he is avoiding conflict altogether. He said this almost to a T. Said that he just never wants to bring her up and is afraid of any confrontation about her, that he feels it is a step backwards.

My concern(s) is that he fears telling me about this or anything else for fear of my reaction, which really isn't going to be what he expects. I need the honesty and no secrets about her desperately, and the anguish he is feeling, because of the secrets I find out, could be avoided if he'd just reveal everything up front.

How is your recovery going now, and if well, did it take a long time?

solsrchng - Sorry it took me a while to check back.

I cannot speak for anyone but my H - but when people are going through identity struggles, they sometimes revert back to the behaviors of adolescence - that is at least what I attributed it to, that and the fact that no adult really likes to be told what to do - especially by someone that is pressuring them to give up an "addiction" of sorts - (the good feelings they had about themselves as a result of OP meeting some ENs).

Today - Our marriage is better than it has ever been - at least until we have a tiff, and I get scared and triggered - then the fear passes and we recover and go forward, so much better that we used to <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> That is normal,I guess and the journey of marriage - To learn how to love and be loved.

The only thing I can say about your H's avoidance is that you have to show him through consistent action that he can trust you enough to tell you things you don't want to hear. It is admittedly hard to get started when it seems as if he won't tell anything, but you could take a chance and start a conversation about how YOU want to be.

That you want him to feel that is okay to tell you anything and that you want your relationship to be a place where he and you are safe from criticism and judgement. Tell him you know it will be difficult for him to tell you the truth, but that you will listen and thank him for being honest with you and that you know it was difficult for him to do.

That would be a first step. Maybe he will be willing to take a chance and tell you when he has had even innocent contact.

Have you posted in Recovery yet? I know you would get lots of feedback and suggestions on this topic - probably better than mine. Look up some old posts from Leilana (her H works with former OW).

Our recovery was difficult and long, for various reasons - many having to do with my inability to give him a chance to make mistakes in learning new habits. I struggle with meeting his top EN - AS , but working toward it seems to be enough for now. We have a happy marriage now and have been doing well for almost three years - we are both more supportive of one another and require more of each other in different ways than we used to. We don't talk much anymore about the crisis we had, it is more fun to live in the now and enjoy what we earned as a result of the struggle. We go through phases of becoming complacent, but get on track quickly.

You will make it! Hang in there and be patient -patience and looking for baby steps were my biggest personal challenges in recovering.

B

<small>[ January 25, 2003, 02:21 PM: Message edited by: bette ]</small>

Solsrchng --

But here's the problem: H didn't play according to the established rules. He didn't forget what you two have agreed upon; he chose to disregard them and act in an unhealthy way. While his intentions may have been honorable, the reality of the deception outweighs any possible benefit. "Protecting" you in this way is not what you want at all. Radical Honesty rules!

It will be a very good thing when you feel secure enough not to check his emails, but that isn't the case yet. MC is right, but only to a point. You're not ready yet to be there. You're still struggling with major trust factors and NEED to keep checking for reassurance and sanity. The day will come when you will know that checking isn't needed anymore.

You won't be able to rebuild your trust completely until you know that he is leveling with you with everything = bottom line. You know that he can help you the most by being forthright in every aspect of his life and your relationship; it's that simple.

Remember also that recovery is a lengthy and arduous process with guaranteed ups and downs. Some days, it's just going to be down. But that's part of the process too. If you can look at the broad picture--even the down times contribute to the recovery (as they're part of the process)--then the perspective becomes more balanced.

Bette's right: patience and baby steps. I'd also add time into the mix. Give it time; give yourself time to adjust and stabilize. How long? It takes as long as it takes. But you have to hang in for yourself, your H, and your marriage.

Ammon