I need to get grounded. My husband and I have been together for thirteen years and have four children. Over the course of the past five years, I have tried to get my husband to attend counseling with me and try to work on our marriage to no avail, UNTIL another man met some of my emotional needs (through discussions on the phone). Instantly my husband and I went to counseling for four months and uncovered numerous hurdles. The main problem? Even though I know my husband loves me and he said we could make a go of it, he is very controlling and everything must be according to what he believes(whether it is right or wrong) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> . I have worked my whole married life trying to please him but the standards were always changing. I asked for a seperation because I was overwhelmed. Within two weeks of my husband moving out, he had a girlfriend and introduced her to his family. He sacrificed scheduled time with his children and cancelled counseling and "date nights" with me and even spent Christmas night with the OW . Over the past three weeks, we have tried to clear our heads and find our way out of this, but I found out yesterday that my husband had unprotected sex with the OW . I asked him prior to having sex with me if there was any reason he should wear a condom and he told me a bunch of lies that I believed. Afterwards,He said he didn't want to upset me. I was very angry about him being so casual about my health and I'm angry with myself for believing him . He threw the whole thing back at ME for having a phone friend in the first place. I know I have done my share to get us where we are, but his lack of respect for my health and our children overwhelms me but does not surprise me. Can anyone help me figure out how much is enough and how bad does it have to be before I lose all of me for my marriage?

Toodles --

Isn't it amazing the lengths to which a WS will go in their feeble attempts to justify their A's? "He threw the whole thing back at ME for having a phone friend in the first place." -- two wrongs don't ever make a right but to blame you for his actions is absurd. You're wisely not buying it so it's not working for him.

Welcome to MB. Can we get you moved over to Just Found Out (copy and paste) since that Forum addresses situations like yours much more thoroughly. Also, there are some great links over there to help get you acclimated. Read the Basic Concepts (Home page) and Are You New Here? -- lots of good stuff there and in the articles.

I'm sorry for this turmoil in your life. When a partner feels that they are losing themselves in a marriage instead of combining energies and contributing to each other, it's time for a major change of direction. In a sense, that's already happened with your EA and H's PA, but it's not the direction we want.

So where do you go? You're here with us (a good thing) and concerned enough about salvaging your relationship to have gone into counseling (you need to continue with that for yourself, btw).

The answers to your questions lie within yourself. "How much is enough and how bad does it have to be before I lose all of me for my marriage?" -- How much patience and stamina do you have? You will know when and if that time comes when things are so bad that there is no other solution. I'm very pro-marriage so I'd like to find ways to perpetuate a relationship. You're not there yet or you wouldn't have come here to ask.

We're on board this foundering ship with you now. Let's see if we can get it back to calmer and safer waters so that repairs can be made properly. You want to fix this; does your H? If you two want this, it's doable = bottom line. It'll take time and patience and concern for each other.

Post again and let us know how you're doing. I'll watch for you over in JFO. We're here for you...

Ammon