I would very much appreciate some feedback on this issue. My wife has gone away with her three girlfriends each year (for the past 10 years) to Palm Springs (for a one week vacation). I have never been crazy about this idea, but accepted her going in that she works hard, makes excellent money and needs a rest (we have three children aged 3, 8, 10).

This year, however, it was decided that the four of them are going to Honolulu for ten days. I have a lot of concerns about that -- too much temptation in paradise; we agreed at the start of our marriage we would never go to Hawaii without each other; our kids have never been to Hawaii and our family vacations are the "rubber tire" driving version; I have to look after the three kids for ten days (we have a nanny, but her day ends at 6:00); two of the women she is travelling with have no children and the other has adult children; I feel embarrassed and dishonoured that she would do this; and the level of stress and anxiety it will generate is unnacceptable.

Her attitude has been like or lump it: I'm going and if don't like it, tough. She also maintains that I'm over-reacting and making too much of a big deal about this (her parents have also taken this position, but have yet to offer any help with the kids while she's away). When I try to tell her that this kind of behaviour wouldn't be acceptable in most any marriage, she says I'm wrong.

Am I wrong to feel this way?

Wow,

Seems she feels since she makes the cash tough to you. I would book a great fishing trip at similiar cost, maybe Costa Rica and when she gets back dump the kids on her and say I am off. She doe not like it too bad.

Toyman

Okay big guy, I have four words for you: Cry Me A River! What's the real problem here? The fact that she is doing something without you? The fact that she is going someplace that you (and the kids) have never been? She will be gone for 10 days and you actually have to do some work around the house? What? I would kill for a chance to go to Honolulu with my girlfriends for 10 days. One, I cannot afford it, and two, I don't think I WANT to be gone for ten days. Me and my girlfriends have a "girls weekend" every year and we just take off and go to the beach. We stay at a nice hotel and eat out and just sit around and gab. Three of us have children, one is newly married and the other is divorced. If you are concerned that your wife may be unfaithful, remember it takes two to tango. She's not going to do anything stupid. Your wife sounds like she is an independent person and wants to broaden her horizons and experience all of the things that life has to offer. Let her. You will be glad that you did in the long run. Use this time to connect with your children. By the end of the 10 days, you will be SuperDad to them and so what if you guys eat pizza every night! We women need our girlfriends. It's the old Mars and Venus thing where women just sit around and talk about problems and we listen! Girlfriends are great and my husband will admit to that because it has saved him some grief. Tell your wife to go, have a fabulous time and check out some spots for you as a family to hit when you all go back there in the future.

I don't think you are wrong. Why would your wife want to have this experience without you? Couldn't you have a wonderful Hawaii vacation together?? I understand how you feel and maybe I am wrong for feeling this way too, but I think in a marriage there are two. If you're not single anymore it's time to stop doing "single" things. And taking care of the kids by yourself for 10 days will be VERY hard. It would be hard for anyone!! You are a team and you need both members to make a household run.

Missiy,

Wonder how you would be if your husband did that to you, wonder what other women would think if their husband did that to them, we are not talking about a golf trip, but a trip everyone dreams taking with someone they love. I would be upset as well and sorry would not put up with it. If you treat people a certain way you should be treated that way in turn. She is wrong going on that trip, but what is worse is the attitude about it. this marriage has some deeper issues that will need to be dealt with eventually, one spouse(no matter what sex) showing this kind of inconsideration is troubling.

Toyman

I think it is very disrespectful of her doing this especially after you agreed that you go to Hawaii for a dream vacation together. I also wonder what she would say if you told her I am golfing for 10 days in Hawaii and have a good time without me. I would really question a marriage where the spouse says like it or lump it after agreeing before hand not to go to Hawaii without you. She is acting like she is single.
Again I think it is very disrespectful to you and your marriage. It is sad that she will not acknowledge this. It sounds like you may have more problems than you think. I wish you luck.

I think you have a right to be upset. She is demonstrating individual behavior and is not being considerate of your feelings. I think you right to say she could go after you all go together. I am not crazy about the tone some people are taking with there replies. We are hear to support each other and I think we can get our message relayed without being sarcastic, right?? I appreciate having this forum to discuss things. Thanks Good Luck

It's me again. My husband has said numerous times that he has no desire to go to Hawaii. I don't know his reasonings behind it. He had an opportunity to go skiing in Colorado (something I would love to do; he has been there, I haven't) and the only reason why he didn't go was because he would have had to fly back by himself. Not because he knew I have always wanted to go, but flying by himself! He has gone on numerous business trips, golf trips and fishing trips and he doesn't hear one word from me. So I expect the same thing in return when I have a girlfriend trip. I will honestly admit that 10 days is a little long. Have you asked your wife to cut it down to 5 days?

The point is not the amount of days she goes but to ignore his feelings and throw out the dream together trip and take it with her friends. Which comes first your spouse or your girlfriends/guy friends. enough said on this issue, cannot justify this behavior with any rationalization. She is plain wrong

toyman

Unfortunately in todays world women are just as likely to cheat on their spouses as men are. Independent behavior is an essential element of a cheating spouse (male OR female). And it doesn't get better with time, just the opposite, it gets worse for many long term affairs are carried under the guise or business or pleasure trips, and this man's wife has had plenty of opportunities and encouragement (from her so called friends) for at least many ONS. Nothing good can come out of this type of love buster.

WCH I urge you to seek out MB oriented marriage counseling and even if she doesn't want to go, you go. Read the Harley books 'His Needs Her Needs' and 'Love Busters'. These books can help you communicate with her in a non hostile fashion and hopefully she'll wake up to the damage that her independent behavior is causing to you and the M.

Good luck.

I think how you feel is absolutely correct! Don't back down.

I see room for negotiation. Not all or nothing. Since money is not an obstacle, why doesn't the husband go first with the wife, and then she meet up with her friends after day 5. It is not all one way, or the other, but taking her needs into consideration (time with the girls) and his needs (the first time together).

Something like that is more digestable. Certainly continuing to act "single" needs to be nipped. Time/reality check.

We all allow things to continue that makes one happy, at the others expense to varying degrees. But a bump can be tolerated, it becomes a "push" and starts to annoy, and can become a "shove", over time. Feelings change. His tolerance has a limit. Mister, stand strong, your feelings now are your feelings, now (may change). She has hurt you, and needs to back down some.

Well, in my marriage, neither of us would "tell" the other we were going, and they could like it or lump it. That is hurtful behavior in itself and certainly violates the Policy of Joint Agreement .

On the other hand, I go to a beach in Florida once a year (for 4-5 days) with my girlfriends, and my H happily takes over the kids and lets me go. So, I don't feel there is anything wrong with desiring a getaway...but there is something wrong with insisting on your own independent behavior at the expense of your spouse's feelings. And 10 days on a trip that your H wanted to take with you...

I like "likestolaugh"s suggestion for seeing if you can negotiate something that meets both your needs...it would be great if you could do something in that spirirt.

Kathi

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">On the other hand, I go to a beach in Florida once a year (for 4-5 days) with my girlfriends, and my H happily takes over the kids and lets me go.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'd like to know if your H also takes off to Florida once a year (for almost a week) with his buddy friends.

Coffee:

No, he does not. He travels about 15 weeks a year for his job, and traveling for fun is not a big draw for him. And, he is not a hunter, fisher or camper, so is not interested in typical guy trips. I'd be happy for him to take a 4-5 day beach trip with the guys if he wanted to...I think relaxing more would be good for him. But, he does not like the beach, I love it, and this way he doesn't have to take me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .

He does have one close friend (who I dislike, BTW), and they do take an occasional trip together (including a 10 day trip to Europe that I encouraged him to go on, as I thought he needed the break at the time...that was before he started traveling for biz though). The last trip offer he got from this friend was to go on a 10-day mediterranean cruise. First, it camne after 3 solid weeks of biz travel and me single-parenting. Secondly, he and I have never gotten to go on a 10 day cruise. So, I would not have been happy if he went, and we discussed it...he decided not to go, partly out of consideration for my feelings (and partly because he couldn't afford 10 more days out of the office, if truth be told).

Long answer, sorry. I guess the point is that each time something like this comes up, we discuss it. We do try to let the other have time with friends and time to relax, but neither of us would go over the other's strong objections. And we also do vacation together, any trips with friends are an addition, not an instead-of.

Kathi

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He does have one close friend (who I dislike, BTW), and they do take an occasional trip together (including a 10 day trip to Europe that I encouraged him to go on, as I thought he needed the break at the time...that was before he started traveling for biz though). The last trip offer he got from this friend was to go on a 10-day mediterranean cruise. First, it camne after 3 solid weeks of biz travel and me single-parenting. Secondly, he and I have never gotten to go on a 10 day cruise. So, I would not have been happy if he went, and we discussed it...he decided not to go, partly out of consideration for my feelings (and partly because he couldn't afford 10 more days out of the office, if truth be told).</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Kathi I'm glad that your H was sensitive to your feelings and didn't go on that 10 day cruise, but why doesn't your H drop his friend that you dislike?

It is a long story. This guy is his oldest, best friend since they were boys. When we first married, this guy had no life of his own & hung around us continually, popped over without calling and walked right in, made plans for H and I without consulting us then twisted H's arm "oh, but I already got the three of us tickets" etc. In short he caused immense disruption in our lives, as he did not respect our marriage or time together at all. It hurt me badly that H would defend him & not lay down some ground rules, even while admitting that his friend was acting like an oaf. So, by the second year of M, I simply told H that I was fine with him hanging out with this guy, but I did not want to see him. Fast forward 20 years...

The guy is no longer 24 going on 11. He's grown up and found a life, finally. My H has come to realize that protecting my feelings is important. At this point, I do not mind H's friendship with this guy, as it is no longer intrusive and disrespectful. I didn't mind him going on the trip to Europe with him. I PERSONALLY don't care to see him much, but every now and then H and I will go out with friend and his date....these evenings do have to be widely spaced <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .

But, if my H had wanted to save himself the trouble of me falling out of love with him years ago (and all the hassles it took to end up in love again), respecting my feelings (in this and other ways) to begin with would have gone a lonnnnnnnnnnng way. And, truth be told, vice versa.

Kathi

<small>[ February 09, 2003, 09:15 PM: Message edited by: kam6318 ]</small>

I do not think you are over-reacting. I know that is not something I would even think of doin. Don't the husband and kids deserve a nice vacation, too?? I do commend you for even letting her go on ANY kind of vacation wothout you or the kids; I know my husband would not dream of that!