I have been married for almost 10 years and we have 3 children. My husband is currently working as a fireman/emt and is working 2 jobs while I complete my BA degree in Education. It was his choice to work 2 jobs while I finish school, which will be complete in May 2004. Both of his jobs require 24 hour shifts, so he works at one, works at the other, then comes home. He is home only 1 out of 3 days. He freely admits that one of his jobs is an easy one, meaning he spends his shift either napping, watching television, or playing cards with the guys. I am currently attending school full time, with 15 hours a week of class time and 12 hours a week driving to and from school. On top of that, I need time to study and do homework. My husband does not help with ANY chores at home, including the children! He spends his day home in front of the television or computer, while I try to juggle household chores and children and school work. He doesn't even try to play with our children or spend quality time with them; he always wants them to go play in their room. I have tried talking to him about this and tried to get him to help a little more, but he refuses to discuss it; he usually does not even acknowledge that I am talking to him. I am tired of being a single parent! What can I do???

This sounds very difficult for you but I can see why your H may feel entitled to not help around the house; but it sounds like something may be bothering him if he hardly interacts with the kids. How old are they and how many. He may be on overload but you should definately talk your feelings over with him and if not resentment will build if not already. You need to tell him you are on overload as well and some support would be appreciated.

Dear Mommy of 3,

You have not posted again since Feb, 02, so I am late, but I find myself sometimes feeling that my wife does less around the house than she could reasonably do.

So let's take this from a negotiating standpoint. What are you doing for him, what is he doing for you, and what do you have to trade? What are you willing to trade for?

What obnoxious techniques do you have to employ, and what would their effect be?

You can certainly read other posts and find many ways to be obnoxious.

With Chores, one strategy is to leave chores undone, that irritate the other partner, more than they irritate you, so when the trash piles up sufficiently, your husband will eventually take out the trash.

So one strategy is to leave some things undone. Certainly you can leave his laudry undone, and he can do it on his off day. Just let it pile up some partricular place, and eventually he will do his own laundry.

On his day off, you can put something in the stove or microwave, and ask him to serve the kids, while you go do library research. I found a quiet room at my neighborhood library, and I brought in my back pack of bills, and wrote out 16 checks in 2 hours.

Youngsters often enjoy activities with other youngsters, and you could list out the activities that your children might enjoy, that involve Hubby taking them somewhere, and provide the spark for getting the ball rolling. "Dear, can you take the kids to the bowling alley? The Ice Skating Rink? Martial Arts Practice? Church Choir practice? Soccer and little league might pose a burden for you, on the days Hubby is at work, but some martial arts classes do not require certain days of the week.

Certaily talking about things is one aproach. Have you asked Hubby, "What can you imagine that you might like me to do for you, and what if I promised that, if you help me with vacuuming the rug, and then you take it easy the rest of the day, and think about my promise until tonight when we have some privacy."

Make a list of all the things he would like you to do for him, and then start negotiating.

Carrot an stick. I think we need a bunk bed in #2 child's room, so I can sleep in there when I need some space.

Quipper,
Still struggling after 28 years.

Dear Mommy of 3,

A further idea occurred to me, that is a different approach than what you originally posted. Originally you seemed interested in having your husband do more chores around the house. Another approach would be to find a way to take time off yourself, to enjoy his one in three days off, with him.

You said he does not need to work two jobs, so apparently there is extra money in the family budget. On the two days that he works, you could have someone come in to get the chores caught up, so you could take the thrid day off, and relax with him.

To what extent are the children involved with keeping up the chores? I have a 26 year old son, who lives at home, and his mother and I did not have him do chores, and now it is difficult for him to find a place to live, because he has no habits for keeping up household dishes, trash and laundry.

Your goal of having your husband to do more chores, may not be the best definition of getting the chores done around the house.

Is there something you want your husband to do with the children? Some objective they are missing? Certainly it would be nice for the children to feel comfortable coming to their father with a range of problems. If you feel that the children need better activities on his day off, then maybe you could arrange for them to be somewhere else on his day off, at least once in a while, if you don't have time for the children on his days off.

It seems you could list out some goals, and options for achieving the goals, then try some options. A parenting class may put you and your husband on better coordinated tracks. I used to hesitate to do things with my kids, because my wife would start contradicting me more often than not, when I tried. Our marriage always seemed to improve after doing a parenting class together.

Quipper,
Married 28 years and still struggling.