i have been married for almost 9 months and for the first three months i treated my wife more like a friend than my lifetime partner. i didnt think about her being in the picture as much as i thought about my own lifestyle before being married. i smoked pot, i cussed, i drank and i thought about myself before putting the love of my life first. id smoke pot thinking she wouldnt know or notice and then lie about it and get upset when i was confronted about it. one evening she stayed all night with her grandmother and i stayed at home and rented a dirty movie on tv and was caught after she opened the bill and oticed it. after lying about it i told her i just watched part of it and felt guilty and stopped, but after lying she doesnt believe me cause well i lied once and i could lie again. i set online after getting off work upto the early morning hours when i shoul have been in the bed with her. i admit these things ive done wrong, i apologized to her and she decided she was leaving me. now its been almost 7 months since i changed my life to be a better husband. i stopped drinking and smoking pot completely. i no longer cuss and yell but speak in a soft loving caring voice to her, i smile and enjoy life with her, i dont need to see a dirty movie. ive went out of my way to regain her trust to no avail. she doesnt trust me enough to work, shes afraid someone might want me or i might be attracted to someone else, she doesnt want to work cause she wouldnt know what i was doing. ive told her i married her cause i didnt need anyone else, cause i loved her, i tell her if she was at work id do nothing but miss and wait for her at the door. what can i do, what can i try, is this hopeless? please help me cause im beginning to feel as if maybe nothing i can do will help her see. im not asking her to forget, im asking for forgiveness and recovery. please help me.

Am not sure what's playing out there, Jones, but I think maybe you and she should think about seeing a marriage counselor.

I've been married 15 years and have to say that both my H. and I have slipped into the 'caring more about me than my partner" thing more than once. And even lying about it, when the other knows us quite well enough to know we're lying. But there has to be a will to stay together that permits forgiveness and permits building for the future. Your W. being completely unwilling to trust doesn't sound like a great foundation for that...

(And there has to be a realization from both parties that they're not perfect either - I once picked up a book called "Married Couples - Staying Together in an Age of Divorce" (? not quite sure of that title) and there was a great story in it about a guy who was inclined to be critical and knew it could hurt his marriage. His solution: every morning he looked in the mirror while he was shaving and told himself "Remember - you're no bargain either" - and was able to be a lot more tolerant because he remembered to be humble. It really works!)

I have to say that the not working because she can't trust you thing sounds like a lie to me. It sounds like an excuse not to work. After all - I'm assuming that you're working outside the home? Someone's bringing in some money, right? So how does she know what you're up to at work anyhow?

Sounds like you screwed up and did it at the start of the marriage which may have caused a major retreat on her side...but it also sounds as though she has a 'script' of how it should be/ should have been and maybe hasn't grown up and realized that nobody but nobody stays on a pedestal, and that marriage doesn't follow a script. It is what you make it and it is what it makes you - and a liberal injection of humor and tolerance can make it a great ride!

If she really doesn't want to be with you, all your changes and all her punishment isn't going to solve it. If she really does want to, a counselor can help you find out if the changes you've made are really the changes she's looking for, and if the underlying problem is even what you thought it was. Sometimes it seems as though it's just a matter of perception - going both ways!

Very best of luck - admitting the screw-up and trying to fix it is the best start...

Adi,

You make a great point in your last paragraph. The bottom line Jones is that it is imoportamt to focus on you. That requires introspection, as Adi indicated. In order to change your thinking/behavior, you must change your habits.

Best to you!