Not sure what kind of advice I’m looking for here. My issue revolves around the fact that all evidence suggests I’m in a rebound marriage. I knew my wife for 5 years before we started going out (while she was previously married), and it appeared to me that there was an attraction present (never acted upon). The attraction was a little strong, so I kind of let the friendship go. Then, one day she announced to me that she had gotten divorced, and I went for her like I never had before.

I’m afraid though, that in retrospect, I let my heart do my thinking. During the early part of our dating, she made some unsettling comments “I’m just going to date guys and have sex”, and “I gave and gave in my last marriage, I’m going to get what I want in the next”. She also sent s_x toys to other guys in the office (we worked together). I just overlooked these red-flags.

At the beginning of our relationship (although I thought it was 5 years old by then) she was dating another guy (for 3 weeks). She had planned a ski trip with him, and still wanted to go, and told me that she would drop him afterward. She told me that they were still just friends (which I believed as they had only dated for a short time), so I agreed. To digress a minute, she had previously told me that her prior husband was her only lover, so I thought it would be low risk. I learned 10 years into my marriage that she did in fact have s_x with him, but not on that trip (earlier). This has brought about a number of trust issues with me.

Anyway, we made a number of commitments to each other prior to marriage. She wanted kids, a nice house, her family in her life. All of these rather standard except the latter (lots of very long visits). I wanted to move to a city where my best friend lived, have pets, and wanted her to work. Anyway, she has held me to the commitments I made to her viciously, while negating, almost immediately, the commitments she made to me. No move, no pets. She worked until out daughter was born, and then quit. I was ok with that, as my career had begun to gain traction by then and I could understand the value of a stay-at home mother.

But, she still held me to the fancy house, jewelry, nice cars despite no second income. She also got all the rest - family in life, kids, etc. I felt used and victimized. Without her working, I thought I would get a little slack in terms of getting all this stuff for her. Nope. Incessant b_tching and whining.

But, I worked my _ss off, had a good degree of success in my career, and got all this stuff for her. In the meantime, I’ve had no life. It has not come easy. Just work, work, work and attend to my fatherly/husband DUTIES. I’ve had 15 years of this.

It slowly became evident to me that I was in a rebound marriage. At first, I fell for all of her excuses for low s-x activity, lack of cooperative spirit excuses, etc. I came to believe that her interest was not really in me but in “all the rest”. S-x with me was kept well below her prior husband. All the little things suggested that she didn’t care (she never made my favorite dishes from childhood (5 times in 15 years). It was all about her, and screw me.

I’m rather naive though, and really thought there was something between us, just that it had gotten all muddled. So, I began reading these sites, where people try to fix much bigger problems than mine. I thought if the fixes could mend infidelity, surely they would work for me (although we do have trust issues in common).

So, I started trying much harder to be her mate. But, I think I just exacerbated the “she takes, I give” situation. I filled out the EN and gave it to her (she would not do it for me). SF was high on my list. I asked for what was in fact a lot less than she gave her prior husband. She fought and fought. She finally gave in, and now I get duty s_x. She tries to work it down as much as she can.

There is really no effort at all on her part that I am happy in any sense. Outside of s_x (and even there, while my frequency is above average, there is nothing really wild going on) I’m really pretty easy to take care of. Some signs of appreciation about how hard I’ve worked for her (but, whatever hasn’t been scratched off the list is instead focused on viciously) and some affection and kindness. I like to take vacations, too, but, she doesn’t want to go – would rather spend $ on the house. So, we usually don’t go unless I raise hell.

My role in life is to make her happy. Well, now, I can’t take it any more. I’m expected to be happy being treated 2nd best. Its take it or leave it, with my kids held over my head as leverage. She seems to think that making me happy is “giving in”. To what, I don’t know.

We had a long talk yesterday, and I told her that maybe there is no hope. That I can’t force her to love me, and that even she could not force herself.

I guess I’m just looking for any resources any of you might know to get me started on round 10 here. I do love her (my curse) and would like to make this work (our kids are turning out fine).

Actually, maybe I would like one bit of specific advice. About a year ago, her best friend told her, that for her husband’s birthday, he wanted a threesome. My wife interpreted this at the time as being propositioned for the big event. I don’t think she would do this.

But, anyway, I’m now a little uncomfortable around these people (unfortunately their son is my son’s best friend). But, I put up with it. Still, the husband calls my wife during the day while I’m at work to talk. I tell her that I’m really not comfortable with their developing an independent relationship, to which she replies that I’m being controlling. What do you think, am I just being paranoid?

Hello MLM2. I'm fairly new to MB also. It appears each of you married for very different reasons. Trust does indeed seem to be a huge concern and within trust, the issues with her sexual ideals, which are to the extreme of yours. Yeah, those were some really big RED FLAGS. Her attitude toward sex and her remarks about "geting what I want" in her next marriage certainly demonstrate who and what she is all about. Is this your first marriage? How old are your kids? If they are old enough to understand, they may already sense that things are not well. Use the MB site to explore who YOU are and what YOU desire in life and in marriage. So often we lose sight of that while attempting some semblance of normalcy in a marriage filled with problems.

You will see from the posts that we all experience ups and downs as we travel through various stages of emotions while dealing with our troubled marriages. And we are all here to listen, so vent whenever you need to.

One of the biggest difficulties I face is the struggle between the commitment I made to my H before God, and the fact that I am now seriously considering ending my marriage.

Start working on YOU (and your kids if they are hurting right now). One person CAN save a marriage, according to Marriage Builders. Do you want to save your marriage? If so, great. If not, MB is still a wonderful site full of supportive people and tools to help you!

Read about Basic Concepts, Love Busters, the Questionnaires, and Policy of Joint Agreement and Love Banks. (Sorry, I am assuming you haven't read them yet. I was so overwhelmed when I first came to this site, that I had to read everything 3 times to take it all in.)

Good luck, prayers and hugs to you and let me know how it's going!

IrishLass
ME: 47 with 18 y/o twin daughters
H: 46 with 13 y/o S and 8 y/o daughter
Met: 10/2000
Married: 10/2001

I am pretty new on the sight but I feel that I have come home to the place where people will give you honesty above all else. I trust in that or I would not attempt to stay.
You are obviously an inteligent person, and I will be totaly honest with you. What I would suggest that you do is read your own post as if it was written by someone else. Sometimes we answer our own questions, but need others to verify that we are contemplaiting doing the right thing.
Allowing yourself to admit that you have been fighting to save your marriage for all the wrong reason is stressful, but it can also be a new beginning. If you don't HONESTLY feel husbandly love for your wife ( none evident in your post), what is it that you value in the marriage? You buy dogs with dollars, not wives. What do you do with a dog that does nothing but bite you when you feed it, and constantly leaves a mess in the yard for you to be responsible for not stepping in?
Tough questions, but if you want oppinions some of them are going to be uncomfortable if thier honest. Best wishes in whatever you deside to do with YOUR life. At least have one that is yours and you can be happy with.

Thanks for the response. I was wondering if you wouldn't mind elaborating on this thought.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by fudd:
<strong>
Allowing yourself to admit that you have been fighting to save your marriage for all the wrong reason is stressful, but it can also be a new beginning. If you don't HONESTLY feel husbandly love for your wife ( none evident in your post), what is it that you value in the marriage? You buy dogs with dollars, not wives. What do you do with a dog that does nothing but bite you when you feed it, and constantly leaves a mess in the yard for you to be responsible for not stepping in?
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What do you mean by husbandly love? Does it mean that I do not feel loved by her, or that she does not love me? The first part of your statement suggests that feelings on my end are lacking, while the second part seems to suggest that they're lacking on her end.

Thanks.

Irish Lass:

first marriage for me. 2 Kids (which, for me, is a very serious entanglement.

Do you agree - I'm in a rebound marriage (obviously, I have a lot of emotional equity in that assessment, and am having a hard time accepting what appears to be obvious).

okay-MLM-some opinions;/advice-no you're not being paranoid-I was involved in a 3-some situation with the wealthy neighbors who thought
rules/boundaries don't apply to them because they
have a successful (just lucky)business that affords them to step on anybody along the way-I got sucked in/manipulated/sold my soul to the devil--it's wrong, not worth the mental trauma-
after the 1st time (her & i were drunk)we said, oh
it was a fluke no harm done, we can all handle it-
yeah right-almost 2 yrs later i'm still emotionally attached to another man (her H)and trying to piece my life back together...you should
communicate with my H, he feels like you do-fancy
house, worked his a.. off and what does he get?His
wife(me)goes off with the rich neighbor man who tells me "we have chemistry, we're cut from the same cloth" oh please, I'm embarrassed to even type this out-And finally, the fact that your wife
will not fill out the EN questionaire bugs me-it tells me she's either hiding something or not interested in the marriage.

Staceyseman.

Any ideas how I could be more sure? Any signs in how she might behave around them? I'm at a loss.

MLM2-Why?Are you noticing different behavior when
when she is around "them"-do they (the 3 of them)
do things together e.g.lunch,dinner,movie,,are there lots of phone calls-is she venting or discussing private matters (marital)with either one of them?These are some of the things I did with the neighbors/friends.I was at first oversharing w/her (who couldn't wait to here how
unhappy I was, I think it made her feel better),then he (her H) stuck his nose in and got
involved (became lustful toward me, always was hanging around when I came over).I don't know the
rules on this kind of behavior-talk to your W about this,be honest,share your concerns-think about her responses before you react (or overreact)-let me know.