My husband and I have been fighting about this issue for some time. He wants to go out with friends and co-workers after work, friday nights. Some of these people are divorced or single. The night out on the town starts after work, and doesn't include bringing spouses...doesn't matter if your female or male. I wonder if this is ok in a marriage. It's something that I've struggled for a long time with. I am at home watching our four kids while he is out drinking, relieve stress and tensions about the day. We seldom go out, and I feel that most of the time he is treating these people better that myself. I just wonder if I am in the wrong for not "letting" him go out without me, or is this something that I need to "just get over". I know that he will never cheat on me, and that has never been an issue...please advise.

<small>[ May 19, 2003, 09:29 PM: Message edited by: Me&Him ]</small>

No, you are not wrong, read the concepts on this site. Sorry you are in pain. I was in a similar situation. It was difficult for me to convince my H not to do it.

Its a TRUST thing, my dad went out every friday night all my life, and my parents have been married over 25 years,dont you TRUST him?? maybe YOU need a night out ALONE, with friends, will he be ok with that?? If not, ask him WHY.....I really believe I dont have time to worry about my spouse going out alone with friends, If you cant trust him alone ONE night, whats wrong with this picture?? If your mate cant be alone with single women and behave himself, who needs him...???

i don't think what you are saying has to do w/ not trusting him as much as that you need a break too and maybe the first person you would like to hang out w/ is your husband??
you are home w/ 4 kids all week?? he needs to understand and respect your need for a break. i went through this....all the feelings...guilt, mistrust, resentment. i would go out the girls once in while too...but what i really missed was time oi=ut w/ my husband.
you guys need to talk and communicate your true needs and feelings...maybe you need to have a date night...maybe every other friday?...and why no spouses? ever? i just don't like the way that sounds...that is just rudeand it would piss me off. it's disrespectful. it is immature.

I'm not sure that my feeling are of not trusting him, i know that is what he refers to it as. I do trust him completely, but i get this complete feeling of resentment, just thinking about the next time he'll call me up from work, and "ask" to go out with the group. My husband is supportive of me going and doing group things as well, but i choose to pick outings that won't put me into situations that might hurt my husband. I might go shopping at the movies, or catch a movie with girlfriend saturday afternoon, but seldom go out to the bar scene, unless I am with my husband. I don't want to be a jealous spouse, but I fear I am in this situation...don't know why??

think i understand what you are saying. i don't think you are a jelous spouse or insecure because you feel a little resentful when your husband chooses the bar scene and specifically says.."you are not permitted to join me."
you have nothing to fell bad about here as far as i am concearned.
read what dr. harley says about independant behavior.
that would have been my #1 complaint w/ my husband for years. but i didn't even know what it was that was bothering me so much...so, i ggot labled as jelous and insecure.
please talk to your husband about how it makes you feel when he chooses work freinds over you every friday night. maybe you need to gove a dose of his own medicine....if he won't pay any attention to you...tell him you are going clubbing w/ "your freinds" every sat. night...sorry no spouses...how would he react to that?

Nelly, you nailed it its an ugly LB Independent Behavior. After all we get married to the person we love spending time with, its hurtfull that after marriage you take back seat to his friends.

I do have to say, that my husband doesn't do this every friday night, but in most cases his outings with his co-workers out number our dates. I just have such a hard time letting go of my feelings.

you should not have to let go of those feelings...you and your husband should talk about them and work thru them. if it hurts you, tell him and tell him why and ask that he please listen to you and try to understand where you are coming from. then ask him to explain why he feels it is important to go out w/o you...talk about it...negotiate a resolution. but, if you are feeling bad bout this...you are entitled...think about, discuss it and try to stop feeling guilty.
i used to spend my whole life either feeling guilty or feeling guilty about feeling guilty... what a waste..lighten up on yourself....have you purchased any of harleys books? what does your husband think of the marriagebuilders concept?

My husband i recently shared a marriage encountered weekend. So we were thrown through some very emotional hoops. Alot of issues came up, and we are just now starting to deal with them. I came upon this site while search for chatrooms to visit about feelings. I'm not sure how he'd react about this....anything to better the relationship, or to get some other viewpoints...would be ok. I feel like once my needs and desires start to be met, this won't be such a huge resentful feeling.

JoLeYn,,,,,,, His behavior is most definately out of line. I would have never thought my W would have had an A either. She started going out after work with the "group" and I was never invited. When I would suggest that perhaps I meet her there and meet her new friends the idea was shot down. She ended up in a short A and pregnant (look up my history thru this site).

If he respects you and has nothing to hide then you should be able to line up a babysitter and meet him at the party place where he should be proud to introduce you to his friends. If this is to much to ask of him then he is not showing you the respect you deserve as his W. Especially if you have told him how uncomfortable you are with this.

It may not be an issue now but everyone is capable of having an A. Hope you can work through this with your H before things go south. pops

DANGER! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> This is the environment in which my H's affair with coworker started 3 years ago. It went on for two years before I found out. I felt unsettled at times with our relationship, but, after 25 years together, the thought that he could violate my trust was inconceivable! Even if your H is completely trustworthy, why have him put himself in a situation that could turn working relationships friendlier than they should be? You two need to POJA this activity. I'm sorry to be so strong about this, but ouch! was your post a trigger for me...

One of my husband's #1 complaints about our relationship, was the fact that he felt so imprisoned, so trapped. He would literally feel sick coming home from work at times because he felt that I was so controlling.

I have tried to explain my feelings of anxiety and fears, but am useually met with a great defensive person. I think he thinks I should just get over my feelings and let him enjoy his occasional outs with the group.

Really, the more I discuss this, the clearer my own feelings have become. I wouldn't even dread the outings if they weren't on weekend nights, and if the place seemed appropriate too...marrital boundaries and such. Like for example, fishing trips or bowling leagues seem ok. I guess I judge him because I try so hard to prevent situations that could damage our marriage, and his pursuit of freedom, seems so careless.

It hurts me when I have to wonder why, it would be such a big deal for him to say, "yea, I'll meet you guys at 6:30, but first I'm gonna pick up my wife...it's not like I can't have "office" adult conversation. I would just be in heaven to be there with him, I wouldn't mind not know what is going on. I swear I bounce back from one feeling to another on this, but yet I have to ask that if "why if a behavioral action bothered your spouse to the extent of making them depressingly sick, wouldn’t you want to stop your actions that was causing that pain. Does it matter how stupid you might think it is, shouldn’t you just stop for the mere sake of loving your spouse so much you’d do anything for that person?" Why does it have to be so cut and dry, why can't we come up with some compromise that both of us can live with.

these are the exact feelings my w said she was feeling. trapped and i was controling. she started talking if getting a sports car for 2. a women of 6 kids wants a small 2 seater?

after 20 years of marriage i never thought my w could fall into an a either. she never gave me any reason to doubt her up until the going out with friends started. after so long of marriage i gave her the benefit of the doubt and denied what i was seeing with my own eyes because i wanted to believe her and trust her so bad. now i will never again trust her like before.

pplease try and get your h to read some of the material on this site and get him into counseling as soon as possible. i know it is against the policy here to be dishinest with your spouse but even if you need to have him go with you to see what a counselor is telling you of your fears get him in there. he is probably like most men whose pride says i don't need a shrink. and he is probably also like most ws's here who thought they could control their emotions. but i see no reason he should be embarrassed to have his friends meet his w unless there is someone else he feels uncomfortable seeing you and him in a marital relationship that isn't as bad as he has let on.

Ok, but Pops, were you giving your wife what she desired, truely needed out of your relationship? I see my husband starting to reconnect with me on a different level after our encounter, and truly feel that his loyalty is true. I just wondered how many people struggle with the same issues that no one ever wants to talk about. You know?

joleyn,,,,, that's a given that i was not meeting all my w's en's thus the a. but then again she wasn't meeting mine either. i didn't go out and have an a. in fact when the opportunity arose on several occasions i ran back to my w as fast as possible.

my dad told me when we had our second child and our marriage was shakey " don't do anything to hurt that family". that is what made me refuse to allow myself to fall into the a trap.

when my w was starting her ea i told her to please not let us go down the same path as her mom & dad. her mom had an a that ruined her marriage.her grandfather had an a that ruined his marriage. please let us learn from the past and let's get into counseling. we did for 2 weeks then the pa started and she quit.

after all came to light, you know the infamous d-day, our relationship was great. but looking back i realize that she saw us not as the old us but as a new a. with the same excitement as her a.

joleyn
story sounds so familiar to me. good news....mine has a happy ending.....and no affairs. but, definately some tough times that we had to work through.
talked to my husband a little bit about your situation this morning to get his input. here is my story.... we moved from the eastcoast to the midwest, away from family and freinds w/ 2 small children for his job... first time i had ever been more than 40 minutes from family......so i had tons of adjustments to make,.... . and he could not understand why i just could not get over it. he felt he was doing the right thing for our family...the right career choice, so i could stay home w/ the kids and have a nice home and live he "suburban" life....which is what he thought i always wanted. we both made a lot of assumptions w/o realy talking about things, in his mind, he was kind of making a sacrifice for me.
he worked hard. long hours. sometimes week-ends and there were many times that he would call and say he was going out for drinks after work...and sometimes would come home qute late.
he felt as though he deserved this time for all the hard work he put in. he and the people he worked ith liked to get together and ***** about their jobs etc. he never said i couldn't join him, but he never invited me either.
he swears an affair was he furthest thing from his mind.....
but he said he felt trapped at home also. he realizes now that it was a selfish way to deal w/ it. he thought i was whiny and needy and he felt like getting away from me sometimes. all i wanted was his company....an adult to talk to etc...and a little break from being the mommy all the time. wen i complained... i was just venting, i did not want him to solve all my problems and i was not blaming him...i just needed my feelings validated...and so did he...but, neither of us understood that then. we could not communicate this to eachoter and when we tried...we would end up fighing becausewe were both defensive and ofcourse that led to other problems.

now, if we had found the marriagebuilder site back then...who knows if we would have been ready for it. i think we both would have skeptical and he definately would have found it too controlling.....but, it has certaily made us realize that true communication is the first step..we needed to talk to eachother and to validate what the other is feeling. there is a ton of goodinfo here.....if your husband was receptive to a marriage encounter week-end perhaps he will take a look at this site w/you. ask him to be open minded about it.....remember to take eachothers feeling into account when you do/say anything...because neither f you really want to hurt the other.
it is hard work, no question
my first advice to you would be to make it a priority to schedule a date night w/ your hub. 1 night a week...get out of the house, relax and enjoy eachothers company. we hardly ever went out alone togeher when the kids were little.....but, we sure should have. we have another one now, and we make it a priority to schedule time together...it can difficult, but crucial.
i am sure there is more i could add, but i feel like i already went on for too long i hope something i said may have helped. lotsa luck...stick around and read up on the basic needs...it is a good concept to understand.

i meant to say read about the emotional needs...under basic concepts. it was what i started with...but you really do need to do lots of backtracking...it is all very connected...and it gets time consuming....but, you sound like you and your hub have a good thing and there is just alot of "stuff" in the middle getting in your way. i know that feeling too well.

Nelly, I can relate to your entire story and I mean everything. Our family made a huge move away from our home town...which is about 5 hours away. I can relate because this move was huge to me...not such a sacrifice to me, but just a huge adjustment away from family and friends.

We too assume everything, and usually avoid the hard issues, or just ignore the hurt. Now after the encounter, we have started the dialouging technique, but have tiptoed around any of the hard stuff. Now more than ever is my little glass bubble starting to break apart. Everyday, something else comes up, that shows me what a horrid chain and effect relationship we are in and have created...I just see so much work and it scares me...

I just picked this topic to work on first because, I new it would be the first one to come up and I didn't want to continue in this vicous cycle that I've gotten into.

Thank you for sharing, because as read your story, every part of I was nodding my head in agreement. It's nice to see that I'm not the only one, and that their is light at the end of tunnel.

I know that I love my husband more than life itself, I know that he loves me as well. We have both put up with so much crap from eachother, that I feel we have ignored the hurt for so long, and have just come to realise that we need to completely forgive and forget the past in order to get on with our future. The hard part for me is continuing with the way things were...we aren't doing anything different. I know we both want to try to do things right, but it's very hard to even think of the other spouse, because for so long we just haven't put him/her first. All I know is that I want so much to number one in his life, and I want things to be the best that they can be for us.

you want to be #1 in his life?
i can not tell you how many times i have said exactly that to my husband.
and i was just saying recently that this whole process of "reconnecting" would be so much easier if we could start with a clean slate.....just et all the "stuff" we did and said in the past out of our heads and start communicating from scratch. but, it so hard, i know. still, i think that is a great place to start.
if you have already figured that out and you and your husband can try to keep that in mind when you talk to eachother..well, you r way ahead of us. i am crazy about my husband too....truly...no other guy would stand a chance w/ me....i am absurdly loyal....and i have always put him 1st....so, the fact that he couldn't or wouldn't didn't sit well w/ me either. i just couldn't understand it....and i didn't want to force him to do it, i just thought he should want to...the way i did.
what i have learned is that things are not always what they seem...he had a very hard time sharing his true feelings..he covered them up alot. couldn't even admit them to himself. i had to thing about a few things too. i can understand why you are scared...i still get scared too....but you are really doing well....you have taken some big steps in your relationship and sounds like yo are commited to making it better for your whole family.
and, i have to add one more thing. my baby was 6 months old when things kind of "came to a head" in my relationship. and we hve been at it for over a year now.....but, honestly, a few slips an some hurt but many more positives.
tell me some more about you guys...if there is anything i can share that will help i would be more than happy to....hey, maybe in a few years we can a write a book..or start a web-site.

Nelly, I guess my first question would be...what did you and your husband agree on as far as his outings were concerned? Did you set limits? Did you start going? What were his concerns? etc...

well, this is a tough one to start with. so much happened prior.
our whole marriage has been like a roller coaster ride really. we would get very close and be great together and then something would happen...usually some independant behavior of is....that would set me off and then we'd fight or withdraw 'till we finally would get intimate again and then things would be good for awhile.
so, after 15 years of marriage, i have to say there was finally a straw that broke the camels back. sounds like that is where you are....am i close?
as far as him going out goes.....once our communication got better...and i talked to him and told him how i really felt...even the insecure parts...and ya know, you don't have to be ashamed of that...everybody has insecurities.....it was not that i didn't trust him as much as it was that i KNEW what could happen in certain situations...especially when liquor was involved. every single time that i went out w/o him i got hit on...i HATED the thought of my husband being one of those guys who would start gushing and flirting after a few drinks.....i am getting off track, sorry...
anyway, once we started being really honest with eachother and truly trying to understand where the ohter was coming from.....things got better. but, we had our setbacks.
he spent 3 months away from me...only home on week-ends......i had major anxiety...he was going "out" every night.
now, if he wants to go out.. we talk about it first. your husband is probobly afraid that you will never understand and always say no and act hurt.
i think my husband finally realized that he had hurt me enough and truly did not want to go out if it was going to cause me pain. when i realized that,i felt better. so,now we talk if he wants to go out w/o me and negotiate some time for us too, and then i did not feel so bad about letting him go out w/ others because he was makig us a priority also.
tell me more about his "independant behavior"habits? and how you communicate.
big question....have you rated your emotional needs yet? what are your top 3
wohat do you THINK his would be.

the reason i ask about emotional needs is ....i know, even when times were really tough, that if i had been meeting his en's he would have wanted to hang out w/ me more...he would not have felt "trapped".
and if he were meeting mine...i would not have been cranky and difficult toward him. if we had only knew what they were.
but it takes a lot of understanding and and you have to be honest with eachother....and not judgemental. it's not easy. keep reading the concepts....some of it will sound crazy to you....some will make you feel like a light bulb went off in your head...start with those.

Wow, I just want to say that just by posting these little messages back and forth, I feel like i have sat through three months of counceling. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I hope to do the emotional needs questionare tonight, or hopefully this weekend. I feel that we are really out of touch with each other on most aspects of relationship. Our communication tactics stink. We have always ignore difficult situations or silent treatmented them out...only to face them again in a couple of weeks. Like you guys, we bounced back and forth from good to bad, and in between. We did separate for three months over the holidays, and decided to try again this new year. This time saying that things would be different, and that we were going to do things right. I feel that we just took off from where we left off before the separation. We didn't know what to do or where to go for help. We both felt it important to try the marriage encounter, and like I said before it was kinda an eye opener for us both...just a chance for us to finally be alone and just try and communicate openly with each other...trying to be honest and non-judgmental, and just trying to listen to each other...now we are back out in the real world, and it's hard. Hard to refocus on him, because i have the challenges of life as does he with his...my goal is to have one joining life, which we can share our goals, dreams and hopes together.

I really agree on finding out what are emotional needs are, I am almost certain that mine will be different from his. But I hope to gain insight as to what he would like from me as his wife. Then follow through with those desires on a daily basis, even if I don't understand them completely. I hope to eventually get to the point where giving his desires to him will come so natural from me, and they will be so genuine to him, that he won't be able spend a minute away from me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ April 04, 2003, 04:07 PM: Message edited by: JoLeYn ]</small>

hi again...just had to post one last time..you have kept me at the computer a lot today.
there is a lot more i could share w/ you if you r interested...i also found it helped to chat w/ someone unbisased. i will give you my email if you like.
also...later, you may want to check out the emotional needs message board...you will have to weed thru lots of silly stuff sometimes...but,there are some very insighful people on there. i should add that i am fairly new to marriagebuilders myself...when the straw broke the camels back i started on different sites...but that's another story...i kind of worked up to marriage builders....oddly enough by the time we found it we were already trying to practice some of the concepts.
good luck tonight w/ the EN questionnaire...
don't be surprised if you guys have none of the same top needs...but i have a feeling you will. we did. my husband and i found out alot about eachother thru that thing....i think it was when we really starting to "Talk" and get honest w/ eachother.
and another thing...you may need some time to really think about what the need really means...there is a paragraph before the description of each need that really helped us...hey, good luck....i feel like i have kind of adopted you today. please keep me posted.

I too, spent alot at the computer today...i feel such an ergency to find out more information, now that my lightbulb moment has arrived. Also, like you I was in an out of chatrooms all week, trying to find some sound and stable advise...thank God for MarriageBuilders, because, i have started to feel more at ease with our problems, and have started to acknowlegde, that I will need to take baby steps, in trying to fix our issues. The other sites, just set panic in my heart, that my resentment, fears, and angers raged like a wildfire...and my husband had no idea what i was even going through or feeling! He was just thinking we just came off of this greet encounter and everything was ok...then I come in with the roaring issue...i really needed this...not only to see his side, but to see how my actions caused his negative reactions and vice/versa.

As for the need part, it's been so long since I actually focused on my needs, that I'm sure it'll take me a while to come to terms with them. You've been a comfort today. Thank you so much. I will stay in touch, and maybe some time my husband will join in my discussions as well.
Bye for tonight.

Joleyn,
Just wanted to let you know that I'm sorry you are having such a hard time with your H. I'm new here, but have a friend who was in the position of your H. She didn't have kids, so slightly different, but she wanted to go out and her H did not or could not. She went out anyway, without him, with single people of the opposite sex, from work or otherwise. Her behavior started because her emotional needs were not being met at all and any attempt at discussion was brushed off, so she retaliated. I am not saying that is what your H is doing, but I guarantee that needs are not being met. She is getting divorced now, so I really want to encourage you to try and find a solution to this problem.

I think the MB website has a ton of great information, and you could both benefit greatly from it. I do not have time to read this entire discussion, but from what I read I would suggest that you try and get a babysitter and go out with him. I am not sure why he would be against that, it seems like a good solution to me. MB says that you should spend at least 15 hours a week together anyway, so why not use that as an excuse <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .

Also, there are some other books I would suggest if you are interested. "If Only He Knew" by Gary Smalley is for men, read him the back of the book and it should inspire him to at least check it out (if you want to that is). Gary Smalley also wrote "For Better or For Best" for women. And of course if you don't read "Fall in Love, Stay in Love", then at least read the information on MB and use the questionaires and discuss them with your H. I wish you the best and hope you and your H are able to discuss and come to a joint agreement on this situation.

joleyn,,,,, i see thatnelly has walked in your shoes and seems to be giving you sound advice. i will just say that i hope that your story ends as hers but please keep both eyes open as i have seen actions such as your h's get out of hand more times then i can count here in my short exposure to this site.

good luck and i wish you well,, pops

You're absolutely right to feel uneasy about the whole thing. My H and I always got into disagreements about his need to sleep over at relatives' homes on occasion. He'd go over to play video games, hang out, etc. and it would be late and he'd be "too tired to go home" and would crash there. I never liked it. Not because I ever thought he'd do anything, especially not with family but it just seemed somehow inappropriate to me. Well, wouldn't you know it, my H cheated on me, and with whom? My mother! How could I have possibly seen that one coming? It's so much easier for it to happen with people who are not family. I agree that a situation like that is DANGEROUS. My H was always the type to preach morals and speak against affairs. I think the ones who believe thay'd never do such a thing are some of the first to fall because they allow themselves to get into dangerous situations they would otherwise have avoided.

Go with your gut feeling:

1) He needs to destress? What about you? No, you are not wrong in your feelings.

Some history on myself. I married young, my H is a man who had many friends, both male and female. Over the course of 23 years he was involved in many EA's. I too thought something was wrong with me. He would say "Theres nothing wrong with having friends of the opposite sex".
Friends I knew nothing about? Female friends whom he'd go see without me? Something wrong YES.

He too would tell me he needed to destress, never mind that I was the one who stayed at home watching kids, business (and worked) etc. while he went off with friends to bars etc.

I trusted my husband with my heart, body and soul. He met a woman in a bar out of town, had an affair and blew his "ideas of what married men should be able to do" out of the water.

Now, being practical, let me say this. Once in a while- say every 5 weeks or so (in my opinion) is okay- but the rest of the time he either brings you along or takes you someplace. This is no guarantee that something can't or won't happen, look at it more as a POJA- you both give a little AND keep those lines of communication open.

Also, I see no reason why you shouldn't just pop in while he's out with the crew. Nothing going on, no problem. He shouldn't mind.

I know exactly how you feel, you want to trust, you don't want to feel like the "jailkeeper" but you don't want to allow him to disrespect you.

I gave in without any boundaries, just as with a child, I gave an inch and eventually my husband was taking MILES.

Your feelings are normal.

Maybe this saying may help- "give him just enough rope but not enough to hang himself with"

As others have posted, you cannot completely affair proof, but you CAN do things (such as not going to bars alone) to PROTECT the core of your marriage.

It's all about give and take, and most importantly respect for each other's feelings.

Good luck kiddo!

Jolyen:

You seem amazingly knowledgeable for someone so young. I admire your approach to dealing with your H's wish to do independent things. I have been married almost 27 years and am presently in the middle of a divorce. My H has always been an independent individual and even from the beginning of our marriage would do things without me and I didn't protest. He would go swimming on weekends for 4 hours at a time and talk to all kinds of people at the pool etc. He was not into bar drinking, but daytimes were his forte! He has always had more women he talks to than men. He slowly moved into emotional affairs. I was totally oblivious, just ambled along and more or less let him do what he wanted. I was exhausted working full time (sometimes evenings), managing two children trying to keep the house in order. My family were also 10,000 miles away.

I just let things roll without much protest and he finally edged into an affair about 4 years ago, then another he is presently involved in. At 56 years of age he has thrown all his morals to the wind.

You are doing the right thing by explaining your unhappiness with his "independent" behavior. I wish the MarriageBuilders site and other information was available to me 20 years ago, and maybe we wouldn't be at this stage. Also my belief that his behavior was "harmless" was another mistake. The past 5 years he has been going to coffee houses during the day and refused to let me join him. If I turned up, he would immediately get up and leave. He told me he was entitled to do things by himself. Red flags all over the place.

I will not bore you further with my story, but you are certainly making a wonderful effort to address the problem you have and I wish you all the best.

Ok, I'm back, and recently went over the emotional needs with my H. We were on the same page for alot of those needs which really surprised me, but there were many that we were complete opposites. There hasn't been a guys night out for quite some time, maybe it's been cuz he's so been busy with actual work, or maybe it's because we are starting to reconnect as a couple. Something we haven't done for a very long while. We really have grown so far apart from each other that the EN were an eye opener...I don't think we were quite ready for that, but some day I think we'll be able to sit down and do them again, and really appreciate each others emotional feelings.

Hi everyone
I'm new to these boards. I'm recently married
and am struggling personally with these issues.
My husband is 39 and lived a rather fast and loose life as a bachelor before he met me. What is difficult is being "the lone voice crying out in the wilderness" about what I think is respectful or not in marriage. When I tell him
that his friends' drinking habits or racist comments offend me, or that I don't like the idea of him taking separate vacations "with the boys"
and without me, I'm made to feel like I'm a
freak--why? Because all his friends' wives and even his family members enable with their spouses what to me is unacceptable.

I'm learning to just say "NO"--I cannot live with
[behavior X]. It's hard, too, because as a previous post-er wisely noted, it makes the
spouse left at home feel low on the priority list.

I like Dr. Harley's idea that if whatever concept or behavior can't be approved by both partners,
it ought not to be done.

I wish you well...and try to remain true to your ideals, no matter how hard that is.

Warm thoughts to everyone,
AAA

Hello everyone i'm new to the boards and I have been married for 3 yrs and have a 6 year old daughter. I believe that going out every week is just a little to much and if he's not willing to compromise on that then he's not considering your feelings.....Once maybe twice a month might be cool as long as you two agree on it, and then at least once a month you two should go out together on a date alone and without the children, nothin fancy, maybe a movie and a burger just some time alone...Sometimes the relationship can get lost with raising the kids but you have to have some mommy and daddy time....Why don't you make the plans and say hey let's go to a movie friday or saturday night....hope all goes well and see ya later

We have started to reconnect with each other, allowing more date nights together instead of without each other. It is still incredibly discouraging when he wants to go without me. I am still at the point if it hurts me in anyway, big or small...why do it? I would stop doing something if it bothered him.

Hello Highschool Sweetheart,

I'm in about the same boat as you but with my W. It just doesn't make sense to me either. How's you EN situation? Mine is one-sided. Not ten minutes have gone by since we went through our ENs (about five days ago now) that I haven't checked myself to see if I had made a recent effort to meet her needs. I've talked to her twice now to see if she felt that her ENs were being met and if I'd exhibited any LBs. Yes to ENs, no to LBs. Great! Unfortunately, I had to tell her that I hadn't noticed her make any efforts to try to meet my ENs. She's had excuses like not enough time, too tired, forgot. I ask her if she'd like me to remind her now and then and she says no.

Anyway, she was going out after work also (unfortunately she is currently working until 3am most nights and going out means home at 5am or even later). She has stopped going out now. What I did was ask her to read some of the MB website (basic points), and then I had her read through your post and the replies that you received. That is what made the difference. Have you considered asking your H to read this post? Sometimes seeing that the general concensus is not in your favor can halp a person to see things from a different perspective.

I have asked him to visit the site but he hasn't. I haven't told him about my post either. I wish he would come to terms with IBs and accept the fact that some things are just not to be done in a marriage, and if one part of the marriage is unhappy because of the others actions, than that action must be stopped...he hasn't gone out with group for a while, nor has he asked to. I don't know what to think, yet......maybe I should try harder to get him to this site.

I really like the Policy of Joint Agreement.

Good news!!!!We have had a huge break through here...This is what my H had to say about this site and this topic....

"I have gone to this site and read most of what you are speaking of ( I have already read this a while ago, the link you just sent me. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3350_guide.html) I have even read your talks with those other people on the site. One thing that bothers me about your discussions is that fact that all they can think of is an affair because that is what happened in their relationship. I DO know what you feel now about my outings with "the gang" on Friday nights at the bar and next time I am invited to one I am definitely going to ask you to go with us and if we cant find a babysitter then I wont be going either. You don't need to worry about this anymore, not going to happen without thinking of you first!"

I am so full of love for this man! I see so much potential for our marriage now! I am just so incredibly happy!!!

People come in different sizes and shapes, and their needs, and the understanding of the spouse will vary. However, both of you need a break, from the daily routines, and the fact that he wants to do it by himself, migh indicate an area that you are not fullfulling properly. This might not be entirely your fault, but I think you should look at your needs, and his needs, and see how they are being fullfilled. I was in your husbands shoes at one point, and it lead me to an infidelity, that have caused a lot of pain, to me and my wife, and I still do not know if I will be able to get her back. And now, its when I am looking at her needs, hoping it is not too late.

Ask if he will be willing to take you out at least as much as he goes out with his friends.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by JoLeYn:
<strong>It hurts me when I have to wonder why, it would be such a big deal for him to say, "yea, I'll meet you guys at 6:30, but first I'm gonna pick up my wife...it's not like I can't have "office" adult conversation. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am going through the exact same thing. I have come to wonder what is wrong with me? I mean, it's constant. I know my husband works two jobs and needs to unwind, but what about me? My problem is I don't want to be that nagging wife. I figure it would go this way:
I would ask him why couldn't he stay home or maybe we go out together and then he would probably get mad and storm out anyway, again, leaving me at home alone.
I also put into consideration that since I have been ill ( I have MS-but so sick of saying so on these boards, lol, though it is one of two big factors) and maybe he doesn't want to be around me having a few problems. However, I have to say that if you don't know me and just to look at me, you'd never know anything was wrong except a slight limp.
When he comes home from work, he doesn't say anything to me. He'll fix himself something to eat and go into the other room to watch tv and don't dare disturb his reruns or else. He won't even stay in the same room with me. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I've posted this before and tried the suggestions given to me, but still, here I sit alone. Every weekend.

From experience...if you feel uncomfortable, follow your gut. I trusted 100%+ and I have gottne burned badly. H had A w/ his boss. This after a 10 yr relationship. This was the man I swore would NEVER cheat on me and I would have trusted him at the beach with the Hooters girls :-) Go with your instinct and come to an agreement. Utilize the POJA. It helps. Good luck.

Havent read this whole thread but I agree with "desperatelytrying". Alcohol in mixed company with out you is not a ggod thing. My ex-H withdrew from me. Started acting like a teenage boy like I was his mom telling me "You never let me do anything I want to do". I was not clingy or domineering. Most of the time whaterver he wanted to do I said ok. But when it came to work outings, we went together. (He doesnt drink, but wanted to be with them.) One time he went out without telling me the party was that evening (purposely). I had evening classes & he did not come home til 11:30 on a weeknight. It was the birthday of this whore he ended up having his affair with. Looking back, they were probably already involved.

I would definately voice my concern over the Bar scene and your H should be willing to compromise somehow. Why cant he relive the stress from work another way? What hobbies does he have? Mine loved cars & was always tinkering with friends cars and buying home improvement books to fix things in our house. I let him do whatever, though we ended up arguing over house stuff. I think you both do need to get out separately from time to time & breath some life into the relationship, but the activites need to be positive ones. Alcohol & mixed company & him solo at the bar is NOT the way to go. My ex-H would go to classes at Home Depot onw how to do things, or go to car shows. He likes gizmos & gadgets & spent time in those stores. If he wanted to see some overly macho movie, I wanted him to go with one of the guys etc. What are your interests/hobbies ? Both find something connected to that - volunteer work etc. Sounds like you need a "date night" for each other also or a night away at some nice B&B.

Talk to each other! Dont let this fester!

Sounds like you need to have "date night."

Approach your H in a posative way and tell that you like to spend more "quality" time with him. Get a sitter for the kids and plan a date. Hopefully the outcome will be that both of you get your EN's met.