There are so many new names on this board...but i think there are a few who will remember me. I am the 'fool' who has been working for the last 9 months at improving my marriage WHILE also working on my friendship with the OW and letting her remain a part of our lives and trying to forgive.<BR>As you can tell from the tone, i was wrong. Their affair had not ended for very long, they have been at it for at least the last 7 months. They were meeting for 'quickies' on his way home from work. Evidence had begun 'mounting up', our home life got increasingly strained, we fought more over my suspicions. He lied and lied, swore on his children's lives that nothing was going on. Made me feel 'guilty' for putting us through the pain of my 'insecurity'. I was wrong.<BR>So i will say it for Harley. Get the OP out of your lives. Do not talk to them, do not see them. yes they are people, they may even deserve some compassion for what as happened to them but it cannot come from you or your spouse. They need to move on and you need to move on.<BR>If anyone ever had a chance of working out this situation and keeping a friend, i believe it was me. The OW(my friend) and my H are worlds apart. HE is 18 years older. He is very liberal, she is very conservative. He drinks, she hates drinkers. She likes a husband thats right there to do whatever she wants him to, my H hates to be controlled in any way. He and I had a really wonderful marriage for a lot of years and i felt it was a strong enough base that we could recover. I was wrong. If i cannot do this, i really believe it cannot be done. They just had too many unresolved and unexplored feelings and the pull was too strong. <BR>I am now filing for divorce (hello ATW). He has left me no choice. He showed such a lack of respect for me and a lack of caring that i cannot stay.<BR>i wish all of you the best in your efforts. Read Dr Harleys materials and understand that it is painful experience that backs up what he says. I am an intelligent but stubborn woman with way too good of a heart. It got me to this place.<BR>Goodbye all,<BR>Kellie

Kel:<P>I noticed your signature is gone... I guess there IS someplace that far... <P>Read your email. Send some back. Even if what I said isn’t possible, lets talk a bit.<P>Major hugs for you, Kel.<BR>

Oh, Kelstill!<BR> I'm so very sorry! I really have been afraid of this, and I know that you haven't been happy with this whole arrangement all along.<BR> I'm in somewhat the same type of arrangement, only I was never able to prove anything. The only concession my H has made is that he will not go into the OW's business without me or be anywhere around her without me. However, I wonder if that didn't do anything more than make their communication a little difficult. My H seems to know too much about OW's life for someone who is not talking to her unless I'm with him.<BR> I'm so sorry for how things have worked out with you, but you will go on and make a good life for yourself and your children. I admire your strength!

Kelstill<BR>You were one of the first people to reach out to me on the forum.<BR>I'm so sorry to hear that this has happened.<BR>What you tried to do was out of the goodness of your heart.<BR>We all have some lessons to learn. I agree that the OP cannot have any kind of welcome in the marriage.<BR>My prayers are with you. Thank you for all the times you were there for me.

I am so sorry Kel. I don't know what else to say except that I know from experience how the continued betrayal hurts even more than the first discovery - It hurts more, but I at least was more certain of my feelings and whether or not I desired to continue to try to fix the marriage or get on with my life. I decided to get on with my life.<P>Act to protect yourself, but don't act hastily would be my only advice. You have been doubly betrayed by both your H and alleged friend. You are hurting and raw and need some time to grieve. Intelligence, stubborness and a big heart are still excellent traits - Hugs and take care.<P>Starpony

Kellie girlfriend, you have e-mail.<BR>Hi whodat, I'm glad you are here. This is what it's all about.<BR>Kellie, I too believed it could be possible, but I'm glad I didn't have a chance to prove or disprove my point since he did change his hours at work as you know. <BR>It's funny ( not really ) because I remember suse having a bad feeling about it all along,and I was more like thinking, it might be possible, if anybody can pull it off it will be Kell. I'm so sorry,maybe I should have realized it couldn't and warn yo about it as well. <BR>and for that reason I applaud you coming here telling it so if anybody is thinking that it can be done, can now think twice.<BR>No mater what happens you will survive and will have all the reasons to be proud of yourself.<BR>BIG HUG<BR>Kat<BR>

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU<P>When I first found out my H and the person I thought was my "best" friend had an affair I was way more worried about losing the friend than I was the marriage. Of course-since H told me he still loved me and that the reason he told me of the affair was to end it all I guess I was feeling pretty secure in that area. I so wanted to figure out how in the world I could remain friends-how would I possibly forget what they had done. Over the last 13 weeks I have pretty well grown to hate the OW-but miss her I sure do. She and I had a ton of what I thought were good times and I miss that so much. so often I get a funny e mail or hear soemthing funny or see a show is going to be on TV that we both would have enjoyed and I want to call her and tell her. But all along I have known there would be no way I could forget what had been done to me-and never will I allow her another chance to be around my H.<BR>I am so sorry you were hurt and that this happened to you. But in the same breath I appriecate your taking time to let us know what you learned the hard way <BR>Take care of yourself and best of luck to you!!!<P>*heartache*

KelStill<BR> I am so sorry about your latest development , I've always read your posts and you sounded so together and so forgiving.....I am so mad this has happened to you. At the same time thank you for sharing this, we just moved out of state to get away from OW and so many people thought we were crazy and it wasn't fair to our kids....people have told me that "if he says it's over, it's over"....yeah right....Lu

You have been wiser than most people know Lu...good luck with everything...<BR>thank you all for your kind words. i am not ashamed of my efforts. i did what i thought was best for 'everyone'. i tried. i just have failed.<BR>thank you all....

I'm so sorry, Kel. You did not fail. You did the right thing in wanting your marriage to work. Your husband and friend failed. Do not take their selfishness and betrayal upon you.<P>My H also resumed his affair, if it ever ended. At least she's not a friend, but she did lie to me the one time I called her. The continuous lying is so hard to forgive. Now when I question something and he says "I told you that." I do the big umhummmm.<P>I don't blame you a bit for wanting to get out.

Kel, girlfriend,<P>I'm so very proud of you. It makes so many other situations seem like a piece of cake. <P>While it is true that you have tried...it is most certainly not the truth that you have failed. His shortcomings and inability to treat you with respect, care, protection and honesty are HIS SHORTCOMINGS.<P>Honestly, I don't know who I'm more angry with...your husband who doesn't have a clue what he is about to lose or that thoughtless, selfish, self centered, home wrecking person you *used* to call a friend. This doesn't help but I've felt all along that he needed to dump the friendship but I come from the Optimistic side of the fence and will give most the benefit of the doubt....some are not worthy of our GENEROSITY and KINDNESS !<P>I know...people do bad things yet are not necessarily bad people.....I hope he gives you the courtesy of being so shocked to *&%F$ that he gets a sobering wake up call and comes to his senses. <P>I would strongly suggest a call to Harley, if for no other reason than to understand what **usually** happens in cases like these and suggestions for moving forward.<P>-Tina<P>-Tina

My H will just NOT let his wench go (and vice versa) and it just casts a pall over our every interaction. The pain is huge. Why won't she just go away?

Kel, sorry it didn't work out the way you wanted. As you seem to have realized, often one day you will turn around and realize that the lies, deceit and lack of respect have gone on long enough.<P>I too filed for divorce. A very hard decision, if you want to talk about it just let me know. Take care.

Alice,<BR>I searched your posts but haven't really found your 'story'...except that you are dealing with infidelity only 6 months into your marriage and now you have filed for divorce. Is there a thread you can point me too or can you sort of tell your story here?<BR>i'd very much like to talk to people going through the same thing.<BR>Tina, thanks for your words. i'd love to call Harley, i will think about that. i'm sure if he 'ghosts' on this board, he knew from the beginning i was in trouble...sigh..hindsight hindsight hindsight.<P>Kellie<BR>Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough

Hi Kellie,<BR> Thinking about you and wondering if you really want the D? It really is characteristic of the addiction for your H to continue on with the deceit etc. I just don't want you to do something you really don't want...have you considered Plan B? My H was horrible to me , continued on 2x with the affair, lied and lied and was downright nasty. After I went to Plan B and he "came to" we are now in recovery 4 mos.(after moving) and I can say after withdrawl it is starting to become very good.....my wonderful H is coming back to his old self. It really is an amazing process and everything that Harley said has happened (I guess he has plenty of case studies.) I guess what I'm saying is if you don't want the D don't do it, go to Plan b and get some peace..........Lu<p>[This message has been edited by Lu (edited August 31, 1999).]