Hi everyone. This is my first post. Please give me some advice!

I just married a man this year who is wonderful and perfect in every way, except one - our morals seem to be quite different. While we both agree on the biggies - such as monogamy - we really seem to differ on our opinions on nudity and casual sex. He's not been a real nudist in any sense except that he's gone skinny-dipping with friends many times over the years and nude hot-tubbing at public hot springs. The part that bothers me about this was that it was done with one of his sisters. Others were with them each time, so it's not like it was one on one, but I still find the idea that he's been naked with his sister disgusting. To me, nudity is sexual, and so I feel that he's done something inappropriate with his sister. He's having a hard time explaining to me that, although he gets turned on by erotica and porn, nudity is not sexual to him, and therefore I should not feel like his naked hot tubbing at the springs with his sister and friends was at all sexual. Complicating this issue is that I also know that on one occasion of going to the hot springs, he ended up involved in a sexual encounter with two female friends who had accompanied him, thus again proving to me that these activities were indeed sexual in nature. (btw, this all occured several years before we married) Although I wouldn't participate in nudism in any way, I don't, in theory, have a problem with it. I know there are people who live this way and believe that it's a natural thing, and entire families live this way, but that's not entirely how he feels. In order to try to understand what his moral boundaries are, I've asked him if he would feel comfortable going nude with my family, or if he would feel comfortable being nude with my 17 y/o daughter, or if I were nude with his family, and he says no! He also says that if he had children, he would not feel comfortable in that situation with them. Because of these double-standards, I feel like he is just trying to excuse his past behavior. He says that he would never do anything like this again, now that he knows it bothers me, but that doesn't seem like enough. I feel like I can't be the "morals police" for our marriage - that our morals need to be similar in order for it to work out for us and in order for us to raise children together. I want to understand his point of view, but I just can't seem to. Already, the idea of having to be around his sister disgusts me, since I have lost respect for them both. Complicating matters is that his sister recently took a trip and sent *him* a postcard. Not us, only him. She also sent it to their parents' house - not our home. This certainly doesn't help me feel like her feelings for her brother/my husband are sisterly! She acts nice to me to my face, but what am I supposed to think? How do I save my marriage, establish moral boundaries, and learn to get over my disgust with his sister? We've talked and talked, but we haven't gotten any closer to ironing things out. I feel so hurt! I've known this man for a long time, but now I feel like I never really knew him! Please, please help!

Only your husband and sister know what is truly the nature of their relationship. While I would have the same reaction as you to their nude tubbing together, I've heard that some people have no embarssment over such a situation. It is the secrecy that is developing as evidenced by the mail sent elsewhere (presumably so you would be out of the loop) that would concern me most. Contrary to avoiding the sister and him together, I think you need to take advantage of opportunities to see/be with the two of them together. Then ask yourself, what is my intuition telling me? And listen to that true wisdom. I hope this helps.

Bookworm

Does his sister know the reason behind the fact that she is disgusting to you? You apparently make your feelings toward her obvious, yet you wonder why she would feel uncomfortable sending anything to your home through the mail.

It seems that she shows you a great deal more respect than you show her. She is attempting to maintain a healthy relationship with a brother whom she loves while attempting to avoid causing him more trouble with the shrew he married. You have tried, convicted and condemned the poor girl without giving her the benefit of the knowledge that she had committed a crime directed purposely toward you. If you have convicted her of engaging in incest with your husband you must hold your husband to the same standards that she is held to.

So he was not taught that the human body was something to be ashamed of and you are more conservative than he is. She grew up in the same healthy environment that he did and neither one of them are likely to suffer ulcers caused by being stressed.

What is your real reason for being so insecure? Do you think that he has no morals? Is he going to jump his sisters bones at any minute? Do you actually think that they would engage in that?

You said that you had a seventeen year old daughter, so this is not your first encounter with men. Did you feel this discomfort with them?Do you feel that she is threatened by his comfort with nudity? Or is it just you that is insecure? Did he not say that he would not practice nudity in the future? But that is not sufficient for you. He must change his self concept and addopt your beliefs before he is worthy of your respect and trust. Were you this insecure with your former husband. or was there someone else who earlier caused you to feel such deep discomfort with nudity?

How do you condemn him when you didn't come into the marriage as a saintly virgin. Did he bring children into the marriage or only you? Where were the morals police when you didn't remain a virgin until you married him. Did you engage in sex outside of marriage? Yes you did because you engaged in sex before you met your present husband. And you have the audacity to condemn him for nudity? Now that is seperate standards.

I am not trying to condemn you, only to show you that his standards though different than yours are not less moral. He has promiced that he would adhere to your moral standards. Have you even considered addapting yourself to any of his?

You should be pleased that he and his sister are comfortable with each other. This is a family who loves each other, although not in the sick manner that some people will insist on seeing. There are so many who do not even speak to each other. I pity you that you never felt any of this healthy openness and closeness within your family.

Agape. fudd.

I believe your instincts are accurate. I don't think you are doing a "double standard" like the comment before. I think if you have signals going off then they are warranted. You both can have differing opinions about nudity. However, I don't believe he thinks of it non sexually. Men tend to be visually turned on. The visual input is automatic to them. I think its the mixed information you are getting from him. It might have worked better for you if he said he enjoyed nude swimming for the fact that it is.
Your morals do not have to match, but to be in love and trust each other they should be close.

Go into "conflicts" and read the topic called "always an ongoing conflict" it might help by at least encouraging you.

Fudd--

Interesting that you find it helpful to call me names ("shrew") and tell me you pity me, when you don't even know me. Perhaps you don't realize that if it's ok for my husband to feel that nudity is ok, then it is also acceptable for me to feel that it is not. Open-mindedness means that you are ok with everyone feeling as they do - even if you don't share their opinions - not that you are ok with everyone as long as they feel as you do. Apparently you feel that I am narrow-minded and wrong because I do not share my husbands opinion about nudity! I do not question that my husband has the *right* to feel as he does. But I also feel that I have the same right, and I was seeking useful, nonjudgemental advice on how to come to an understanding when one finds out that their morals differ so drastically from their spouse's.

And regarding my treatment of my sister-in-law . . . I find it interesting that you assume, since I did not say one way or another, that the postcard incident happened as a result of my poor treatment of her. As a matter of fact, i just found out about the hot tubbing incidents and have not seen nor talked to my SIL since then. She is out of the country. I have never treated her with anything other than warm and respect, since I have never, until now, felt I had a reason to do otherwise.

Please don't bother to try to give me anymore advice if the best you can do is name calling. As I mentioned above, I came here looking for nonjudgemental advice. Serious advice. And calling me names and trying to make me feel bad because I don't happen to share your opinions is not helpful.

ckbang and kjoy--

Thank you for your responses. My husband and I have continued to talk about this are are making a small amount of headway. My biggest problem with all of this was, as ckbang saw, that my husband seems to have double standards. We think that part of this is because he has spent his entire 36 years single, with little responsibility, and has never thought about what his moral boundaries might be. Often, I think, we don't truly think about this until we have reason to. In my case, I have evaluated my own beliefs because I wanted to present a clear picture of my morals to my daughter, to try to give her a healthy base for forming her own. My husband is only just beginning to think about this, now that we've started talking about having children together. I don't think we have to agree on everything - that would be impossible - but I do think that we each need to understand what our moral values and boundaries are in order to prevent accidental upsets in the future, and so that we're on the same page if we choose to raise children together. Either of us trying to squelch our feelings and beliefs too much will eventually end up in resentment, in my opinion.

Thanks again.

Insidenout--

Sorry, I somehow missed your post first time around. Thank you for your kind thoughts. I think you're right - intuition will have to play a large part in all of this. Although I know that there's a possibility that neither of them feels that what they did was sexual, I am also aware that incest exists, and only I can decide which I believe.