I will admit that I love adult movies, my wife hates them. So the other day, she decided on an idea given to her by her uncle, that she should throw them out, which she did. Also about a month ago, she returned 2 cats that I adopted from a shelter (while she was away on a trip to Britain where she was attending a wedding for which I was not invited) saying that she told me that she more didnt want any more cats, even though we already have three and so i dont think two will be such a big deal. let me not forget to mention that she doesnt work, does not help AT ALL around the house, we have no kids.I do everything, literally. so my quastion is, should I be angry?!!! i think I should, i think she should have talked to me before throwing the tapes out. in return, i then took many of her tapes and smashed them with a hammer. and am contemplating tearing up some concert tickets for a concert this wednesday that she wanted to see.its just the principle that bothers me, why should she throw out stuff, when she absolutely doesnt provide anything for the home. thanx for your replys in advance.

I'm new at all this, but I think it's pretty obvious that you two haven't worked out the POJA. I know it can seem impossible when you're not getting along, but if you both want the marriage to work, it's a great help. I agree she was thoughtless to do what she did, but your suggestions are just retaliation. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I would suggest you try to talk rationally to each other, keeping in mind the rules of negotiation, about what you can agree upon. Maybe if you knew why she hated the movies so much it would help you understand, for example. Best of luck to you.

KS, thanx for the reply, I've kind of gotten over the anger I had (just cant stay angry)and things are slowly starting to come back to normal.

I am sorry to see that you are having problems of the sort, and I hope that in time they will be resolved. I went back and read your other posts, didnt he ever ask you how you felt about him, before getting up and leaving? Im trying to put myself in his place and I cant see why he would not ask before making such a drastic and harmfull action. I know guys and communication dont mix well, but to just leave for a month and hooking up with someone else, sounds more then "I thought you didnt love me - so therefor I shacked up with an 18 y/o" I think he is transfering some blame he has on himself on to you.This affair thing didnt start after h left. Well he came back and Im glad to see you guys working on the relationship. best of luck to you, and we are all hear to hear you out and empathize with you.

you need to get the movie "war of the Roses"
watch it together..you both sound like the people in the movie..with smashing things.

it is about a couple going to get a divorce and the things they did together..living in the same house..was a good comedy..bet you laugh and see yourself in some of the scenes..

but honestly don't bring critters home without permission so they don't get sent back..

you sound like children instead of adults.with the problems and the way you handle them..

please read the material online...so you know how to handle things and stop being disrespectable to each other..

keep on keeping on..
stop destroying other peoples belonging..at least make sure its your or your wifes..Rofl... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

telexon:

I will admit that I love adult movies, my wife hates them.

TR- This is not uncommon in marriages..but have you ever asked her why she doesn't like them?? What about them bothers her? Does she feel they are disrepectful of women (as many women do)so why
does she hate them so much??

--So the other day, she decided on an idea given to her by her uncle, that she should throw them out, which she did.

TR- Okay, so she didn't discuss this with you in advance that she was going to throw them out..she just did?? how often do you watch them? and do they take away from your relationship with your wife?? Apparently, for her they do..

--Also about a month ago, she returned 2 cats that I adopted from a shelter (while she was away on a trip to Britain where she was attending a wedding for which I was not invited) saying that she told me that she more didnt want any more cats, even though we already have three and so i dont think two will be such a big deal.

TR-hmmm...so you totally disregarded her opinions on this matter, just as she did yours when she threw out your 'adult movies"--

So why did you bring home two more cat's KNOWING SHE didn't want them?? And why didn't you take her feelings on the matter into account??

(sounds like she did the same thing to you with throwing out the 'adult movies' maybe thinking he didn't care how I felt about him bringing home more cats..and he did it anyway...why should "I"
care how he feels about my throwing away his movies???")

--let me not forget to mention that she doesnt work, does not help AT ALL around the house, we have no kids.I do everything, literally.

TR- So if she does nothing around the house, then what does she do??

so my quastion is, should I be angry?!!!
I think I should,

TR--Hmmm...should you be angry?? I guess you have the same right to be angry as she does--when you also ignored her feelings..So what are you angry about? that she 'ignored' your feelings and threw out yuor tapes?? or that you no longer have the tapes to look at and now have more time to give your wife??

--i think she should have talked to me before throwing the tapes out.

TR- Did you talk to her before you brought home the cats?? apparently you had mentioned it..and you ignored her feelings on the matter..

--in return, i then took many of her tapes and smashed them with a hammer. and am contemplating tearing up some concert tickets for a concert this wednesday that she wanted to see.its just the principle that bothers me, why should she throw out stuff, when she absolutely doesnt provide anything for the home. thanx for your replys in advance.

TR- I think this was VERY CHILDISH!! How old are you?? 10?? 11?? Because that is what it sounds like..

You sounds like a spoiled child who is mad that you don't get what you want..

you mentioned "you weren't invited" to a wedding
whose wedding was it, and why weren't you invited?
Did the wedding couple buy the tickets?

What were/are your expectations of marriage??

Did you 'both' agree she would not work outside the home?

How long have you two been married??

Have you considered going to marriage counseling??

your lucky your not married to me..not only would I destroy the tapes by puling them apart if they were something I find porographic I would cut away at them so you couldn't fix them..

she had asked you in the past not to bring those in the home or else right?

well that was the or else...
I also would of collected all types of pornographic thing literature magazines pictures
discs and things on the computer and got rid of them and cancel your magazine subscriptions..
BECAUSE IF FEEL IT IS DISRESPECTFUL TO THE MARRIAGE AND TO ME..and would not want children to find it..or the garbage man..rof..

what do you get out of reading or watching that your wife doesn't help you with?

maybe if your going to work on your marriage you both need to stop the childish stuff..when you say you got rid of her tape smashed them what type of tapes are you referring too?

Keep on keeping on..

If what you are saying about your wife not doing anything at all is true, then she doesn’t have much
value to the marriage, does she? Marriage is not a one way street. It takes two to make it work properly and smoothly. Laziness, selfishness and childishness seems to be a big part of her life. Maybe both can think of a few things that she can do to keep herself productive during the day while you are at work. Let her know that the marriage needs some help getting daily chores accomplished. My wife and I leave “to do” notes for each other all of the time and almost every day. We both contribute to the team to make our marriage a better one.

About the tapes and cats: In my opinion, three cats are too damn many...not to mention five. Although, that’s just my opinion. Your wife throwing away your porno tapes is not surprising. My wife threw away some of my mags and tapes too. She didn’t like them and to be honest they didn’t have much value to me either. I still have one but I keep it in a safe place. I honestly do not think an act of revenge will help. Talk to her and ask her not to destroy your personal property, and don’t keep the tapes where she can get to them. Yes, I believe you have the right to be angry, but acting childish
by destroying each other’s things will lead to more problems.

Dear Telexon,

Thank you for sharing your wife's throwing out your property.

Certainly is a power struggle.

But winning a power struggle, requires, I believe, first resolving that it is ok to lose.

I keep working on develping and expanding a list of phrases to succinctly, yet postively, express my point of view, to my family members. This does not create a win, ordinarily, but creates the possibility of winning, as my wishes are clearly stated.

I have been using plan B lately, in modified form, in that I wait to come home until 4 AM, when my wife is fast asleep. My wife works, and gets up and 7:15, and leaves for work at 7:45 AM, and mumbles about things as see is getting ready.

One of the powers you have is revenge, of course. But if you are cutting off your nose to spite your face, then you are not winning. If you select revenge that is escalating, then you are feeding the negative process. It is a chalenge to find a positive form of revenge, mostly I settle for one that is non-negative.

Plan B is withdrawal of communication. One modification that has worked for me in the past, is to state what I am infuriated about, then bolt out the door. One father would say "I am going out to see a move." I have a motor home 3 miles up the road, so I say I'm going to work on the motorhome. Or, I am going to a church meeting.

Your wife's power does not come from working or not working, it comes from your trusting her with your posessions. If you had most of your tapes in a storage locker, or safe deposit box, then most of them would not have been destroyed. If you had a safe in the house, then she would probably not have been able to destroy the few that you keep in the house.

But an important key is the amont of destructive power that your wife posesses. Becasue too much destructive power is a problem. If, however, she pops off and destroys things occasionally, you can simply manage her destructiveness by keeping important items outside the home. Many self-employed men have their offices separate from their home, so as to minimize the wife's disruptive behavior.

Marriage means that you will forgive a certain amount of emotional upset.

I suspect that it is a crime to destroy the property of another. If a wife, or a husband, destroys property of the marriage, without the consent of their partner, it is a crime. Unfortunately, the U.S. criminal justice system is ill-suited to solving marital problems. However, it is wise to stay within the boundaries of the law yourself. Your power to have your wife arrested may be tempered by the local laws concerning adult movies, so I would be hesitant to call the cops on your wife the next time she throws out your adult tapes.

Maybe her uncle has your tapes in good condition.
See about having him arrested for conspiracy.

But it is a separate problem, if your wife is influenced by others to act against your interests. There is stand-up therapy available if you wife is treating you second, to the ideas of others. How important is it to your wife to try to make you happy?

It is a challenge. I'll see what others said now, but good post, thanks.

Quipper
Married 28 Years, still struggling.

Dear Telexon,

In applying POJA, Policy of Joint Agreement, I am imperfect. But I try to go to significant lengths, to follow the policy, so that my wife does not do things without my joint agreement.

My wife put a window fan in the trash. It works, and I had previousely told her I wanted to keep it in the attick. It had been in the attick since last year. I brought it down, as she wanted some extra cooling. I took it out of the trash, and put in back in the attick. I have easily accessible space in the attick for more items.

POJA means that if my wife wants to throw something away, that is mine, or joint marital property, that she should get my permission first.

You say that your wife objected to your Adult tapes. My wife alternates. Sometimes she thinks I should be ashamed, but when I have something new and kinky, then she wants to watch. "I can't even tell any of my friends about taht!" You do not disclose the reason your wife objects to the Adult movies. Is it the type you have that she objets to? Is it the time of when you watch them? Are there circumstances when it is ok with her for you to watch them, or circumstances when she has a problem with your watching them? Buy another tape and try the POJA on when you watch it.

My son, who is of age, but sometimes lives at home, leaves tapes around that he should not leave around. Did you have good safe place for them? I bought my son a footlocker, and a combination lock, so he could keep his private things private. He does not make full use of it, but I tried to do my part toward a solution.

What attempts to get an agreement on the tapes did you make before you bought them? Are there other videos that you and your wife can agree upon, that serve the same purpose for you and her? I have a video CD of Dirty Dancing that I keep handy for setting a mood. I have Massage Instruction tapes that I leave around, that seem to set a mood also.

I had a serious girl friend at one time, who objected to my masturbation at certain times in the foreplay process. Looking back, I misinterpreted her objections to mean a total ban on masturbation, but I believe that there were just certain stages where she had a problem with it. I mistakenly generalized it as a total ban, and our relationship suffered because of my mis-interpretation.

I felt it was important to marry a woman who could express herself, so things would not build up. My wife can understand principles such as POJA or the Golden Rule, but her fiesty anger (Scorpio/Aires) gets the better of her.

I try to read the signs in advance, but I am not always fast enough.

Best wishes,

Quipper
Still struggling after 28 years.

well,thanx for your replys whether they were negative or neutral...I have not been back to this post for a while..we are obviously getting along and have gotten over this fight. how ever i did want to answer some Q's. and frankly Im still ANGRY - since what she destroyed was not mine but a friend's who could not take them to where he was moving into.

TR- This is not uncommon in marriages..but have you ever asked her why she doesn't like them?? What about them bothers her? Does she feel they are disrepectful of women (as many women do)so why
does she hate them so much?? ----> she just doesnt like them,felt they were disgusting, they were just your run of the mill videos nothing outrageous or out of the ordinary. I believe that she was grown to dislike sex in general and she admits that. taught that sex was dirty, etc.

TR- Okay, so she didn't discuss this with you in advance that she was going to throw them out..she just did?? how often do you watch them? and do they take away from your relationship with your wife?? Apparently, for her they do..--------------------------->

i didnt watch them often, maybe once a week I might take a peak, they were stacked away in a corner downstairs and most importantly I have NEVER brought any of the ideas or actions from the videos into the bedroom, if we have sex its very bland and I donot bring any kinkiness into the bedroom since I know she wont like it.

So why did you bring home two more cat's KNOWING SHE didn't want them?? And why didn't you take her feelings on the matter into account?? -------> because we both love animals, she bought a $600 dog 6 years ago, never asked me when she brought it home, yeah he is cute but the principle is the same,i didnt turn around and throw the dog out its a little different bringing stuff in (which is more of a positive action, then throwing things out which strikes me more negatively) i was hoping that she would like them or end up liking them b/c they were cute, and i dont think that if you already have three, two more would creat such a problem, she loves the three we have very much so it would seem silly that she wouldnt like 2 others then her just wanting to prove something by doing what she did.

TR- So if she does nothing around the house, then what does she do??

NOTHING!!!! she either sleeps til 12pm and then goes online and plays with the computer, if there is anything to do around the house , its me who has to tell/ask her to do it other wise its not done, just common sense stuff (take garbage out, take dog out/ clean dishes/ if she spilled something on the rug, i have to tell her to clean it up - its rediculous!!!! doesnt work, we've been married for 7 years - she's worked 2 months of it. just sits at home and rotts

you mentioned "you weren't invited" to a wedding
whose wedding was it, and why weren't you invited?
Did the wedding couple buy the tickets?

dont know why she didnt want me to come, probably so that she could ***** about me with out me being there to counter that.
no, i ended up paying b/c I am the one making a living, she keeps her money in Germany where she came from. her father died they sold the house and she kept the money, which is fine doesnt bother me i dont want "her" money.

What were/are your expectations of marriage??

certainly not this, she was my first girl friend at 23 when i met her, so even though relatives warned me, having only had her, i couldnt just let her go, and hoped for the best thinking she would prove every one wrong

Did you 'both' agree she would not work outside the home? no, not at all. she just claims its the economy, its her !!!!

How long have you two been married?? 7 years

Have you considered going to marriage counseling?? we went to one years earlier over sex problems, all that happened it that the therapist pitted us one against the other, didnt work.

thnx and best of luck to all.

Dear Telexon,

Glad to hear your house is still standing. My wife decided to tear up a nice pair of speakers, to express her thoughts on my ideas.

While you may never come back to this post agian, I still have some feelings to work out, and the context of a reply to your post, seems to fit for me.

I find it humiliating for my wife to tear up or throw away my stuff. I did advise you that you should keep your stuff in storage, or some other location. Well, what do I have a house for, if my wife is going to tear up my stuff?

I still have more to work through, but my phrase is "There seem to be some things you are holding back, that need to be discussed. You seem to have more issues, than what you have pressented. There seems to be more to discuss."

Quipper,
Still strugggling after 28 years.

I don't know about the cat issue-my husband and I discuss it before we aquire another horse or dog ect.
The porno thing-we'll when you made the marriage vow of "forsaking all others" this was in it. Watching porno is like being a peeping tom and being unfaithful.
When you marry, you are agreeing to seeing only your spouses body nude. It goes the same way for us women. My husband's body isn't what it used to be or could be. In fact-he could use a bra. But I am not checking out other men clothed or not-he is who I chose to be "stuck" with. I am not going to check out the foxes on TV or anywhere else to know what I can't have. It could hurt his feelings and produce more discontentment than the usual married life offers.
Porno -if its for anyone , its for the single person who does not have a mate.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">When you marry, you are agreeing to seeing only your spouses body nude.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Uh...I don't know what kind of vows you took, but I never claimed anything of the sort.

There is nothing wrong with pronography and in fact, it can spice up a marriage. I don't get why people keep swearing it's horrible, other than the fact they're embarassed about their sexuality.

Pornography is NOT about comparing your lover to other people. It's not about where they fall short compared to the people posing.

I have NEVER looked at another man in a pornographic video and made a list of where my husband fell short and I'm pretty sure its the same for him.

It's about being turned on by the human body and stimulated by things that a perfectly natural, and that can be enjoyed TOGETHER, as a couple.

What some people fail to understand is that pornography is NOT about emotions for men. Women think with their hearts so I can see how porn bothers them when they ASSUME that they're being judged and compared.

But it's NOT like that for the men.

<small>[ July 04, 2003, 08:10 AM: Message edited by: Aeryn ]</small>