I need help. H and i are trying to rebuild our life. Much mistrust has happened. I often get paranoid that it is going to start happening again, weird phone calls... unexplained firtations, etc. Whats been bugging me latetly is that matchmaker, lavalife , etc ads keep coming up when i log in. Also, "teen" chats are consistently coming up. I also think he has a blog going. I don't want to cause alarm by mentioning my fears to him but at the same time i am imbolized by these thoughts. Im starting to think that this whole marriage is a complete mistake and am thinking of moving out. I don't want to live in fear... pls help. TKS

I also think he has a blog going.

I think I have entered the time zone..
what is a blog going?

being hyper vigiliant is a bad way to have to spend your life..I know.

I remember when I told my hubby that I hate feeling like the other shoe is going to drop any day..and I told him for some reason this time
I am so afraid it is going to be an elephant this time..big something big..

he told me I shouldn't have to live like that..
and shortly after that out he went and was gone out of my life..

I did not go along with what he wanted.

do you know what it means to disagree?
is that the same as agreeing to disagree?

well he had to be right..I was suppose to agree with him on everything..and if I did not agree with him..I was not allowed to disagree with him..
I did not get it too much fog smog bs..whatever word you want to use..mine was crazy making..

so tell me what is a blog"?
tell me more about you and what is happening or not happening..

and if you don't want to put up with it then get
out..you know when it is enough..

I had enough 20 years ago and I still stayed to hear his stories..and they changed..often..
why do we do this to ourself..all the energy we put into it is so wasteful it makes our health go down the tubes fast taking out age and here we are clawing holding on for dear life..WHAT are we holding on to? A liar, cheater..and he is the other parent..absent without leave..argh..we are fools we are not looked at as dependable loving, faithful, but we are weak to them if we cry..
they hate weak..oh well did God not say to treat us as the weaker vessell..yes he did..
sudenlly I am feeling very weak..and alone..I have God I did what God wanted me to..and it still didn't work..but I still love God..but I finally let go of everything..else it means nothing to me now.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

ok B L O G..hrmmm...I bite..
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Dear Hyper--
I know exactly how you feel. After being lied to for a long long time and many DDays, I wonder all the time where he is, what creative ways they may have found to communicate so I won't find out. I am crazed by the constant worry. I have glimmers of feeling that maybe he is faithful and telling me the truth, but never a whole day that I believe that the A is truly over.He is so good at lying, and she is so devious.

I also hesitate to voice all of my doubts and the little things I find, like--why would you call your own cell phone while at home, of not to cover the redial number? or --why would you check the voice mail on your cell when there are no incoming calls (remaining?) on the log for two days prior? If I am wrong in my suspicions, I am afraid of damaging whatever recovery might be in progress, or driving him away with my paranoia...

So, I keep looking for solid proof. When I have that, he can't lie to me...

Sounds kind of pathetic doesn't it? I know, the pain is constant, and I really feel for you. Do you feel like we're driving ourselves crazy? I keep hoping that time will either give me some peace or show me a concrete truth I can deal with. Meanwhile, doing the best Plan A I can manage is my only hope of being important enough to him that he will not try to destroy me.

Be strong. --DT

I left a post to you also on your other message..

well I think you know what you need to do now..

get your stuff together and get into a womencare shelter and they will help you to get your life together..this is the time to do it..just go and tell them you are desperatly seeking help your abusive situation..and then for your addiction to drugs..

then when you get your life on track you will see things in a totally different lite..perhaps God is trying to separate you for awhile and that is His doing..so go get help, get out of the danger zone now..

if he is on those sites or the calls are coming in..the stuff is going to hit the fan..and I don't think you want to be caught in the middle of it..

perhaps he will get help for himself..instead of lusting after women and children..does he have a criminal history? is he on probation for any thing?
because if he is..he is not suppose to look at that stuff..and also stay away from alcohol.

like I said in the other post your bad for each other right now..that could change after your both dried out and go through rehab..

some times when people get dried out ..they find out they cannot stand each other..with out the drugs and alcohol.. so beware of that, not to fall back into it..

right now your both like the blind leading the blind..this is a sick relationship needs healing..
both need treatment separatly for the drug of your choice needs to be dealt with..then get individual councel and then marriage..I don't even think you know yourself..
take care..and get help..before you hurt yourself more..

and he destroys some childs life..God help him..

Hi, thanks so much for responding to my posts... SadEyes and Desperatelytrying... I did leave my marriage the morning that i discovered the internet sites. I had an appointment with a councellor that same morning and came face to face with the truth of my situation. I could no longer deny what was my truth nor could i expect to have a reasonable conversation about what i had found on the net. I knew that as you said, Sadeyes, that the whole thing would blow up in my face. The sickness was holding me back, keeping me stuck and spinning my wheels. I don't think that i would let myself begin to intergrate into the community 'knowing' what i did about my husband. I could not bring that sickness into a community; therefore, i could not move out and begin partaking or looking for work. I see that now. The day that i left , a huge relief lifted and i could look people in the eye and know that i am safe, in regards to sex. I felt like i could breath again.
I knew that i had to make the break then and there because the initiative was there. If i didn't capitalize on it who knows how much longer it would have been unitl i had the courage again. I made the committment to the councellor and went home to get my stuff. All the way home a moving van followed me... i told myself that i would ask if he could help me if i got a chance. The truck turned off and i tired to follow but lost it , so i continued on home and once again the truck crossed my path. The man said he would help me and went with me at that moment. Within 4 hours i was completely gone and in a shelter.
Its funny, sadeyes, but everything you suggested i did. I have an appointment with a addictions councellor and will hopefully be going into treatment within a month. After that i hope to stay at a second stage housing. I have been getting a lot of help in the shelter. AND, GOD is reaching out to me as i reach out. I was greatly blessed at a service on sunday evening. Without saying a word about my situation, but rather contributing to the evening discussion, I was truly blessed when the pastor suggested that the 20 or so there come together, do the placing on of hands, and pray for me. Just that morning i had been copying scripture ... the part where 'we don't even know how to pray but the spirit prays for us... in goanings'. I know that these people didn't know me; my situation, or what i really needed, but i do know that God does and I was greatly up lifted. I do believe that God does not want us together... i don't know for how long or what... I did see my H twice in one day three days after leaving... but God worked the circumstances so he didn't see me. I have waffled with inordinate guilt over this whole thing. The fact is that he has lied to me about all of this and has continually tired to make me the problem... ie i dont' trust...im paranoid.. all of that ... when in fact there is more to it (his sexual stuff) than what he is say ing to me or anyone else. since leaving i also found a file that was created the day before i left.. It is called John's penis and is a picture of a man sitting on a huge log carved as a penis. My H also lies to me about that computer file... continues to say that i am imagining or making all of this up. Through all of this i have done the greatest damage to myself ... in not trusting my truth.... My lagging sense of worth let this continue for way too long. I hope that he can get help... but i know that he will neeed to tell the truth and that this can be really hard.... HOWEVER, I will not let myself be pulled into this again... i miss him, at times im scared, lonely and confused .... but God IS FAITHFUL! AMEN!

Desperatelytrying: Please, Please, get some help and know that it is a sickness of the most debilitatinng kind... Please BE KIND to yourself and take a time away.... please don't stay stuck inthe crazy's.

THANKS ALLL

Sad Eyes, I just wanted to thank you for replying to my post.... YOU GOT SOME BANG ON ADVISE....TKS... ITS WORKING! yAHOO I CAN SMILE AND ENGAGE OTHERS WHOLE HEARTEDLY NOW.

hyper in space

I am so thankful to God you are safe and on the road to healing.

sometimes the answer is ever before us..and it is usually too simple.

I am amazed at how God put your move all together for you, including the moving truck..God is truly amazing..

I will continue to pray for you..It warms my heart to hear how you are doing..alot of times people come to the boards are sooo distraught as I have also been in the past..

then disappear to never be heard from again..
you encourage me to hear you are doing soooo
much better...by golly I think you got it.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

now what to do with this man..I am going to put a url perhaps you can somehow send it to him..and he will get the help he needs..

please also give it to your therapist..so she can look at it..there is a place for women..to look at things..and books women have read this covers what your going through,finally something with substance..in it and GOD..a man who started it..was involved heavily in porno..and He helps others.they say 67% of men are into this stuff..
how scarey and I wonder..how many woman are now involved..alot on the end of being in the pictures..but what about those who also look..

isn't it scarey and sad..the world is coming to this..
if you need a place to visit.my daughter opened a site with a friend and it would be a benefit to you to come visit..you can come and not mention your past|:0 you are clean and washed in the blood of the lamb..isn't it an awesome feeling to unload..

I am EarthAngel there..I have been earthangel on the internet since 1995...kids in suicide channel named me..lol..it sort of stuck..

anyway there is instant message there so if you want me..I am there to pray with you and talk if you need and don't want to put it on the boards.
come there join us on message board..praising, sharing or fellowshipping and grow in the Lord..we are just new but the Spirit of God is there and you feel it..from this side of the computer..feel sooo blessed..
ok heres the url..for the thing I mentioned for help with the porno for men..and site for wives click on the wives in the main page..
]please get this url out to as many as u can...on the internet..thanks..it is a great help...
for marriages,

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> purelife

the thing is let others here know what works and is working for you now so they will take that
one small step for them self..it means freedom for the soul...you need to be whole first..and I KNOW you are going to be great look how God just moves you along..even for the prayer and you reading before church..that my sweetie..was confirmation..how bless you must feel..you are the apple of Mine eye is what the Lord says to us in moments like those..it is like the world stops..and HE CENTERS IN ON US!!! Praise God..for you...hugggsss and prayers..(let me know what you think of the pure life ministries.I think their books for women are great the testimonys that it works is something especially when these men were so far down they felt like they were living in hell..and marriages in hell too..
thank God there is someone to pave the way..
know what I mean..now when you get stronger you can help others by what you went through..amen..amen..

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
pure intimacy

(scroll our pages at the bottom)
this site is a good site with focus and divorce this one below is my daughters private home page..sign her guestbook tell her I sent ya..

then visit the place for visiting...grin..I will be looking for you..so im me telling me your ner nick..grin..hugsssssss...for you......
come and grow with us..
actually if we FOCUS ON JESUS we would be less apt to run into problems..

focus on Jesus
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> for this one when you get there click on forums for the message boards..

graftmeins inspiration my daughters page,

please come visit anyone is welcome and feel free to post.
I added another url purelife..check it out..for people who have problems with internet porno...and help real help by a minister who was there done it too..
.EarthAngel <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ June 25, 2003, 02:00 AM: Message edited by: SadEyes ]</small>