My husband and I got into a large fight tonight. He has a friend that dislikes me and is openly hostile to me, and I can't understand why he won't stand up for me.

I don't expect him to choose between me and his friend, but a definate "This is my wife, you don't have to like her, but please don't disrespect her in her presence" would be nice.

We began to talk this issue out and he did what he usually does in arguments; his eyes glaze over. He stops listening to me and he only responds with "uh-huh" "yes" "no" and "I don't know".

It makes it very clear he's not listening to me, which is difficult to talk the situation through.

Then he said something I know to be a bold-face lie. He does this often. He lies about little things, even if they're inconcequential. That got pulled into the argument, too.

I explained to him that on top of him not listening to me, I couldn't handle his lying anymore. He needs to start being honest with me.

I asked him why he lies to me about little things (not that it makes it okay if it's about something big, either) and he responded with "I don't know".

If he doesn't know why he does it, it seems to me he could have a clincal problem. I suggested counseling, which he downright refused.

I tried to ask him questions about it, as his opinon on what we can do to fix the situation, and he kept saying he didn't know.

I'm at the end of my rope. I don't want a divorce, but I don't see how problems can be fixed if he won't listen to me and participate in conversations about what's going on. If we can't talk, how can fix the issues we have?

Any advice?

<small>[ June 29, 2003, 02:32 AM: Message edited by: Aeryn ]</small>

Aeryn, I don't have any advice for you but if you repost this on the Emotional Needs board I think you will get a better response.

sounds to me like he nead to look into his heart and see the importance of a honest and open relashionship . and to also be more forword with his fealings befor he loses as friend he cant get back~ to me my wife (posobly ex wife) was my best friend and once we lost our friendship we fel outa love i hope thast not what he wants to happen

He Aeryn,

Well I can see why you can't talk to him. If someone was lying to me all the time, why talk.. to listen to lies?

I would definitely give him a alternative, no more lies, period!!!

I'm sorry I just cannot cope with a liar, it would drive me crazy because you cannot trust his word about anything. It must be very difficult for you.

It sounds like to me he is very immature also. And to treat you like that with his friend is terrible.

It does seem he doesn't know what to do, and he says it over and over. If he refuses help from counseling or someone, I'm sorry but there is nothing you can do.

The aritcles on Plan A and B here at MB may help.

Sent with Love, Ladysheep

Dear Ayern,

There are different types of lies, and in L.Ron Hubbard's book, SCIENCE OF SURVIVAL, various motivations and types of lies are described.

There are denial lies which are simply the oposite of the truth, and these are common to either be polite to others feelings, or to escape blame for a fault or mistake.

Lies that are troubling to me are lies that are confabulated, and difficult to detect. Those lies are out of fear, and trying to attract attention to others through artful deception. Often back stabbing takes this form.

You have asked your husband to stand up for you, in the presence of his friend. Certainly that is a simple, ordinary solution.

You might think of other solutions, such as not inviting the friend over to your house when you are present. Or your husband can pal with his friend someplace else, outside your house. Or have some pre-arranged place to visit when the friend shows up, like going shopping, or going to the library.

You might try role-play, and you take the role of his friend, and ask your husband to practice some phrases back, or you could take the role of your husband and give his friend, a pillow on the couch, what for.

When your husband says, "I don't know" about why he tells the lies he does, perhaps he is saying that you have not created the atmosphere and zone of safety which he needs to openly discuss the issue.

It sounds like you have some anger on these issues. Are there other issues that are bothering you, which are actually more important than the issues you presented here?

I am trying to work on adjusting my expectations of my wife to be realistic, so I can plan for work-around strategies. I have issues about which I am disapointed, but I am trying to find ways to work around the issues, and still build and increase synergy from the marriage, and synergy for my wife.

My wife does not listen to me, so I can identify with your feeling of neglect from the Uh Huh response. I try to have phrases ready to present to my wife, which encapsulate me desires in a few words, with emphasis. That is why I took the name Quipper. I try to come up with brief phrases to make requests to meet my innermost needs.

Best wishes,

Quipper
Married 28 years and still struggling.