My husband and I have been married for 11 months.
We can never carry on a conversation with out him getting sarcastic or horribly foul mouthed and cutting me to pieces and turning around our problems to make me look at fault. Yet when we are with other people, he is a master of disguise, charming, funny and loving. People think he is the greatest. Little do they know what goes on behind closed doors!
It is getting harder and harder to put up with the constant put-downs. It is taking a toll on my self confidence. He refuses to see a marriage conselor. He tells me I need one, not him. I am crazy, not him. Everything is my fault, not his.
I truly believe I made a major mistake by marrying him, but he has changed. To make matters worse, we are expecting our first child in December. He is not excited and refuses to do anything that is related to preparing for the arrival. I am totally stressed out and in a depression. He is lazy and does not do anything other than cut the grass. He calls me a nag (among other nasty things)and tells me that it is my job to maintain the house and everything else. (We both work full time jobs.)
I don't see much hope for us. Writing this is just a shot in the dark. I don't know how much more I can handle. If I were to sum him up in one word, it would be "evil"
He is arabic and I am white. That is also a big mistake.

Hi Cloe44,

What a terrible time for you, and expecting a baby at the same time, it should be a happy time for you, and the way he is treating you is emotional abuse!!!

How long did you know him before marrying?

Does he still live in a Arabic culture as a man?

Sent with Love, Ladysheep

Dear Chloe,

You have listed a number of issues, and everything cannot be worked on at one time.

First the situation of pregnancy changes things in marriage, so you need to be aware of the changes in yourself, and the changes your husband is experiencing. In pregnancy, emotions for women can roller-coaster, and the responsibilities of fatherhood are setting in for the husband. Also, you will not be feeling well some times, and you may experience a need for extra sleep at some times. Your husband's behaviour can remain unchanged, but your view of your husband will sometimes be that he has become deliberately uncooperative, as the cycles of preegnancy progress.

Your husband expecting you to do everything around the house is something that can be negotiated. You can ask for help with one or more things, in a neutral, planning time, frame of refernce.

You say that you experience constant put downs behind closed doors from your husband. This should be given a fairly high priority, in my opinion. If he supports you going to counseling, then a goal of counseling could be to address the issue of your feeling put down by your husband. It is important that you feel good about yourself. Ideally, a marriage will make each partner feel better about themselves than they felt when single.

There are many types of counseling available, and while you want your husband to stop dishing out put-downs, you need to look at your options, and the sequenences in which the put-downs are occurring.

There is a book, something like: The Gentle Art of Verbal Self Defense, by Shad Hamstedler

When my wife starts barking, I hold my feet responsible, if I am hearing things that are unpleasant for me. I will ask to discuss the subject another time, or leave the room, or leave the house for a short while, 3 to 18 hours.

If I have unnecessarily brought up a sensitive subject at the wrong time, that preceded my wife's barking, then I have to review my list of Sensitive SUBJECTS TO AVOID LIST.

In the Intimate Enemy books, it suggests that you have a mutually agreed upon place that each partner will go, if the partner feels the need for some space. I haved a motor home 3 miles down the road, and my wife's mother and her brother live 10 minutes away.

Your husband issues put-downs, but what has led up to the put-down? You say he has good social manners. He must have been charming for you to marry him. Do the put-downs occur when you are pushing for more help around the house? Are the put-downs over issues where there is no joint agreement?

You have mentioned that you have unfulfilled expectations for him helping more around the house, and preparing for the baby. What are your options for working around your husband's current viewpoints?

During pregnancy, your powers of negotiating are diminished, and your options for marital relations will become more reduced. Have you thought about develping more ways of having more to offer your husband, so that you will have more to offer him for the changes you are asking him to make?

What things would you like your husband to change that would be easy for him? What changes seem to be difficult, and have you taken time to try to understand the difficulties your husband has in making some changes that are important to you?

What are your options for cutting back to part-time work? Having a maid service come in to do the laundry and run the dish washer?

What are your own visions of what a man should do around the house? What did your father do around the house? What can you stop doing, and let pile up, so your husband will eventually pitch in?

Best wishes,

Quipper
Married 28 years, 2 grown kids, still struggling.

Dear Chloe,

I am learning how other past in quotes from the post. You state:

We can never carry on a conversation with out him getting sarcastic or horribly foul mouthed and cutting me to pieces and turning around our problems to make me look at fault

Quipper responds:
You may wish to do your brainstorming for soultions to problems with other people, and present a soution for him to consider that has some likelihood of being agreed to.

Is there someone who understands the Arabic culture, with whom you can discuss your complaints, list options for soultions, and the formulate a presentation for agreeement by your husband?

Men generally think in terms or practical solutions, so by translating your disappointments into workable proposals, you might avoid the put downs for presenting problems in a way that might be viewed as complaints. Complaining is the first step toward a solution, but some men are not good at listening to open-ended comlaints.

Best wishes,

Quipper
Married 28 years, still struggling.

Dear Chloe,

In thinking over your post, and my comments, there may be an answer to one of my questions in your post, you state your H is:

"...turning around our problems to make me look at fault..."

Perhaps you are bringing up problems for discussion at a less than optimal time, or in a less than optimal manner. There is a gradation of degrees of problem solving, complaining, nagging, and sniveling, and unjstifiable intensity in complaining. MB limits some other words with astericks.

I personally try to avoid bringing up problems to my wife without careful planning and forethought. I use a disabled person, who is available to me by phone and Internet, to present problems to him, and then develop short phrases by which to present the issue to my wife.

Many women, and some men, got married thinking that their partner would be willing to listen to their perceptions of problems.

My wife feels that I am trying to blame her for things when I am not careful about how I discuss my unfulfiled wishes. Your husband may be attcking you as a defense to what he perceives as unreasonable requests. You may just want someone to listen to your unfulfilled wishes, but He may feel threatened by your presentation of unfulfilled wishes.

I have unfulfilled wishes myself, but I am very careful about discussing them with my wife.

your statment that :

"He refuses to see a marriage conselor. He tells me I need one, not him. I am crazy, not him. Everything is my fault, not his.
I truly believe I made a major mistake by marrying him, but he has changed. "

I read your meaning that you have now discovered your mistake in marrying your husband, but orignally you thought he was charming, and now you see another side to your husband.

I would suggest another viewpoint, that you now see that you have some needs that you were expecting your husband to fulfill, but you have not yet worked out how to get some of those needs met. You sound disappointed.

I have been disapointed with my wife, in some respects. I am currently in a realistic expectations evaluation phase. I am disappointed that my wife is not more supportive of my political and social system ideas. My wife does give me room to follow some of my ideas though, and I just avoid discussing those issues with her.

You may be disappointed that your husband is not good at listening to your stream of consciousness ideas on unfulfilled wishes. Find a girl friend to talk to. I pay my coach $15.00 per hour to listen to my complaints about my wife, then to help me develop a more positive approach.

The challenges you face are also in child raising. Your ideas and his ideas will probably need additional work for developing a coherent, cooperative approach to child raising. I took PET class when my son was one year old. How will you coordinate on time outs?

Have you rented child birthing tapes? Have you studied LaMaz? Are you going with an Epidural? Have you studied the signals for getting a C Section?

Are there birthing classes available near you so your husband can be an effective coach for breathing to manage the pain of natural childbirth?

You may be able to find ways to involve your husband more, and find ways to share the experiencxes of parenthood.

Classifying your marriage as a mistake may accurately describe your feelings at some times, but that phrase is not a good problem-solving point of view. Make a list of your unfulfilled wishes, then write out a simply phrased request for assistance in fulfilling each wish, then decide which few wishes to next present, then choose a time to present the ideas, listen to your husband's comments, drop the requests that he rejects, and find a happy way to end your wish session. Then go back to your list, and rework your list and phrases, and choose the next wishes to present.

You might share in a post more specifically some of your unfilfilled wishes, and how you are presenting your request for their fulfillment.

Best wishes,

Quipper
Married 28 years and still struggling