I obtained my permanent residence status about 17 years ago through a convenience marriage. (It was a business transaction in which my family paid the guy, we never lived together, or anything of that nature) At that time I had a constant abdominal pain due to stress and fear of been deported.

A year ago I got married, my current husband is telling me that it is the most horrific act a girl could commit (even though he knew of this convenience marriage 4 months prior to getting married). He says it is a crime, that I have no conscious, and expects me to be remorseful and ashamed. I’m not proud of such act. But I’m not remorseful or ashamed. He says that the institution of marriage should never be use for any purpose other than to validate one's love for each other. He says that the act that I committed is as bad as prostitution and since we do not agree on this and other issues we are getting divorce. He is asking me to take a poll on this topic.

Dear Honest,

Ther are ehtical princples, and religious principles and laws. Your convenience marriage could be considered under all three categories.

Was your act illegal? probalby technically yes. If you intgended not to fulfill the vows of marriage, when you entered the vows, it is probably fraud, in the state in which you were married. It may be a Federal crime of fraud or conspiracy, or a crime under immigration law.

Are many crimes of this nature prosecuted? probably a small percentage.

Was your convenience marriage ethical? Are the immigaration laws of the United States ethical? Apparently you and your family felt that the immigaration laws of the United States should not apply to you. Whether your evaluation was right or not, it is in the past.

Your husband has a point that many religious teachings emphasize the value of marriage. A convenience marriage compromises those religious principles. I follow the Unitarian teachings, that religious principles should be examined with the purpose of each individual finding the best beliefs to apply for themselves.

Certainly, you probably hope that your current husband has a high regard for all apects of ethical, religious and legal principles suporting your current marriage.

You could perhaps reply that you plan to attone for your compromising of the principles of marriage, by devoting yourself more fully to your current marriage.

I believe that if I make a mistake, then I should redouble my efforts to make up for the mistake, or harm to another.

Many religious organizations attempt to expound religoious principles by criticizing exceptions that have been made to the principles. I find this practice obnoxious, and I feel more comfortable with the Unitarians or the Scientologists.

You might look up some Unitarian churches in your area, and see if one fits you and your husband. You might ask your husband to explain more about his ideas of what is wrong with a convenience marriage, and whom he has heard speak against convenience marriages, and the importance of those people to your husband. Your husband might have some ideas for attonement.

Sometimes, you have to politely ignore the ideas of your partner. Scientologists call this "fair roads and good weather." just reply something like, "I'm certianly going to be more devoted to you, than I was to my first husband."

Because your act is probably technically illegal, it is probably best that you and your husband agree to have a final disucssion of the issue, and put it to rest, and never dicuss it again. Talking about illegal acts in the past, that are now irrelevant, carries a risk of increased liklihood of criminal prosecution.

Hopefuly your husband is not overly under the influence of some religious sect. Hopefully he has not seized upon this issue for the purpose of demeaning you, and giving you less love than you deserve.

One of the reasons I married my wife was to give her the gift of U.S. Citizenship, which she now has. I am still married to her, and I believe she and her family appreciate me to a slightly higher degree for my gift.

My wife goes to fundamentalist churches which preach against many of the religious principles in which I believe. I make it a practice to avoid bringing up the subject of religion with my wife, because she is not speaking about princples that she has thought out for herself, as good for our marriage; but rather she spouts right wing Christian dogma, that she has heard in recent sermons, or conversations with other zealots. My wife then tries to apply right wing principles to judge my beliefs and activities, and our marriage. I listen politely when she brings up Religious ideas, and ask her to explain how she thinks the priciples apply to her, and our marriage, and try to help her integrate the positive aspects of the religious teachings.

Your husband's interest in the opinions of others is confusing to me. My opinion, or anyone else's should not have an affect on your marriage. You two should find a way to forgive, and forget, and go on more loving. I think it is usually counter-productive to discuss past lovers or past marriages.

Quipper,
Married 28 years and still struggling.